Sunday, July 06, 2014

The deal too good to be true

Ben Scott grinned madly as he carried the last of his belongings out of the ratty corner home across from campus, stuffed the belongings in the trunk of his Lotus Sport 240 and hopped behind the wheel.

Life was good, damn good.

Six months ago, he was on academic probation, struggling in every class, a social loser living in dump that could have been called a flop house in the thirties when it was new and spiffy.

Today it was little more than a bed bug breeder and every tenant knew the sorry electrical wiring might mean they return after class only to learn the whole place burned down.

claws


His former neighbors were stuck there but he was moving out.

He was moving on.

Osmosis:  Learning Doesn't Have To Be Hard.

That's what the business card he found in a study cubicle in the library basement said.

Osmosis: Learning Doesn't Have To Be Hard.

He called the number on the card -- mainly because he had no other options.

A man answered.  A man with a deep, velvety voice.  He explained he had an office on the opposite side of campus, behind his home.

Ben attempted to raise the issue of cost but the man dismissed him.

The way Ginger, the hot redhead, had dismissed him.

Now he was headed off to a condo, his condo.

Life had gotten better.

And it really wasn't that hard.

Not hard at all.

Like the card said.

claws

Osmoso was a man whose skin the sun seemed never to have touched.

A man whose deep set, blue-black eyes grabbed you, pulled you in, commanded you.

Payment?

Riches would flow to Ben.

And he didn't have to open his wallet.


It was that way at the new condo too.  No sooner had he carried his belongings into the unfurnished space then couches, chairs, all the necessary items began to show up.

And Ben showered and shaved then sauntered into the bedroom sleek and wet wearing a towel.

He gave his newly muscled bod a lingering once over in the full-length mirror as he spiked the hair on his head with hair product.  Then gave a look of dismay.

Osmoso lounged across the water bed, studying his protege.

He raised an eyebrow in question as Ben looked at him via the mirror.

"Thing is," Ben explained, "Ginger said all of her other boyfriends had chest hair."

Osmoso twitched his lips and a forest of hair fanned out across Ben's previously smooth pecs.

"Nice," nodded Ben as he tugged on a few strands while staring at his chest in the mirror.


claws



Osmoso made things happen.

Like the tutoring.

It was so easy.

Sitting across from Osmoso, Ben had just suddenly known things, suddenly understood courses which had previously confused him.

And the cost?

There was no negotiation, no figures dickered over.

Ben just suddenly knew the man wanted to hear "yes."

Yes, for everything.

Yes, to everything.

In exchange for what he wanted, yes, he would give up something as unnecessary and unneeded as a soul.

"I will have what I want."

That is the reply Ben felt after he gave Osmoso his "yes."

"Yes," Ben had thought, "I will have what I want."

And he did.

He was acing classes, he was left a condo by a stranger he'd never met, his old boss had not only accepted his resignation but given him the Lotos Sport as a going away gift.

And Ginger?

Just as he'd sprouted hair across his chest today, he'd sprouted four inches earlier because he knew Ginger loved tall men and his sunken chest and thin arms had swelled and swollen leaving him big and beefy.


claws


"You're so good to me," Ginger said, taking the flowers from Ben and kissing him on the cheek.

"Why are you so good to me?" she wondered.

Ben just laughed.

A deep throaty laugh.

And, thanks to the gifts of Osmoso, this counted as foreplay.

They were quickly on her bed.

He was in her, pumping away, sweat soaking their bodies, moans filling the room, her fingernails scratching his down his back, up his butt cheeks.

He was so close . . .

He grabbed her face with both hands and planted a kiss.

His hands slid down the sides of her face to her neck.

He began choking.

She looked startled.

He felt a chill running down his spine.

His hands tightened around her neck.

He shook his head "no" and tried to pull his hands away.

He couldn't.

Ginger was making choking sounds and beating her hands against him.

His grip just tightened

"No!" Ben screamed as he was unable to stop choking and as Ginger's eyes bulged.

He kept screaming.

While she died.

After she died.

claws


When the police arrived, after a disturbing the peace call over the noisy screaming, Ben was found still naked, still on top of her and his hands still gripped around Ginger's neck.

They told him to remove his hands.

He said he couldn't.

Between the two of them, the officers pulled him off Ginger.

He was tossed his pair of boxers, he was put in cuffs, he was put in the back of the car, he was finger printed and had his mug shot only to then be tossed in a cell.

He'd kept screaming "no" throughout most of it.

Finally, the "no" became a whispered cry.

Then there was nothing but silence.

Around four in the morning, outside his cell, Osmoso appeared.

Osmoso was here!

Osmoso would fix everything.

The way he always did.

"I will have what I want."

Ben knew that.  He'd heard it.  And now, thanks to Osmoso, Ben would have what he wanted and what he wanted most of all was to be free.

"Free to do what?"  Osmoso asked him, eyes twinkling.  "Free to leave?  For you will leave."

Ben felt confused which only made a grin spread across Osmoso's face.  As the lips twitched, Ben saw the bars on the cell wiggle and then vanish.

He wanted to step out, to step to freedom.  But he was immobilized, unable to move his feet or any other part of his body.

His eyes were locked with Osmoso's eyes.

"Did you think you got all you wanted because you deserved it?"  Osmoso asked in a mocking voice.  "Because you were special?  You got what you wanted because I wanted it."

Osmoso's eyes began to glow and an orange glint appeared in the corners.


Black wings sprouted on Osmoso's shoulders.

"I am the demon who feeds on the euphoria of dreams and desires."


claws


Already stunned by Osmoso sprouting wings, Ben gasped as Osmoso's hands became claws.

"You were so close to all you wanted and the rush was to be mine."

The middle finger -- or what would have been fingers -- the middle claw on each of Osmoso's hands had a pronounced dagger-like claw.

Ben tried to scream, tried to force a scream.

But no sound would come forth.

Osmoso claws came closer.

"When you heard 'I will have what I want,' you heard me, not yourself."

Osmoso's claws began ripping into Ben's chest, tearing off first the hairy skin, then removing organs.

Two hours later, a guard would pass by Ben's cell and discover what appeared to be a de-boned carcass rotting on the floor.





The Diaries of Tom Hayden

In the 20th century, Tom Hayden was briefly a celebrity.  By the 21st century, he was a nobody. Following his 2019 death at a men's group meeting on how to tap out your ex-wives (his refusal to yield to others in the circle led them to bludgeon him to death with various phallic devices), it was discovered that Tom Hayden had been a life long diarist.  Below, we provide excerpts from Diary IV: The Dildo Homilies -- a volume best described as Manscaping For Those Too Lazy To Try.

November 3, 2008
Dear Diary,

Last night I dreamt a horse race.  In one lane was an old, white nag, destined for the glue factory.  It's name was McCaine.  In the other lane, a sleek and shiny black horse named Obama.  I rode this horse.  I was the jockey.  I dug my heels into Obama's side and yelled at the top of my lungs, "Oh-bama! Oh-bama!"  I bounced up and down as Oh-bama took the lead and maintained it.  When Oh-bama crossed the finish line, I woke up gasping, covered in sweat and other things.  I have not had a wet dream since a concert during the year of our country's bicentennial.  When Hall and Oates sang "Sarah Smile," I lost it.   I felt like that when Oh-bama crossed the finish line.
I hope this is a sign.  Dear Lord Che, please let it be a sign.



February 5, 2009
Dear Diary,
I have been far too busy to write of late.
Most of January was spent making purchases for the end of the month.  I bought my Obama commemorative platters, my commemorative t-shirt, poster and BVDs.  The BVDs are so cute!!!! On the back, next to a little elephant, is says "Kiss it."  :D  I just love them and wish I could show them off.  Of course, the last half of the month was me watching the inauguration.  First live, then over and over.  I Tivoed it.  A part of me wishes I had been invited but then I would not have had my vivid dreams of the various balls.  I was a hit at every one in my dreams.  I was repeatedly asked to dance and told how smart I looked in my new Billie Jean King hair do.  I did look smart.  Yes, they are only dreams but I was looking good.
My joy was interrupted by this gift.

thdil

It came in a box and I don't remember ordering it.  My first thought was: Dick Goodwin!
He's always been such a prankster and such a drunk.  I haven't seen Dick in years.  The last time we were together we got into a bitter argument over who was the bigger drunk.  I insisted I was.  Doris tried to smooth it over by suggesting that, historically, President Ulysses S. Grant could probably outdrink us both.  I was in a particularly nasty mood so I shot back, "Oh, good one, Doris! Who'd you rip off for that insight?  Lynne McTaggart or Hank Searl?"  Well Doris never could take a joke so it was no surprise that she and Dick stormed out.
And now this gift.
I didn't want to be rude, so when I saw it had a wall mount feature I put it in the shower.  Figured I could hang a towel on it or something.  I'm calling it "The Obama."


February 11, 2009
Dear Diary,
I was doing an interview with People You Forgot And Why magazine.  I thought it was going very well.  And then the reporter needed to use the bathroom.  He came out with a curious look on his face, grabbed his iPhone and went back to the bathroom.  Then he left.  I walked out after him saying I had scheduled a full hour for him. "That won't be necessary," he replied, "I have everything I need."
I don't get it.
Did I fart during the interview?


Febrary 22, 2009
Dear Diary,
I am hopping mad and pissed.  I made the cover of People You Forgot And Why -- but the article is all about my bathroom.  Here, let me quote the article:

Why does Tom Hayden, former radical and part-time astrologist, have a dildo in his bathroom?  Specifically, why does he have one mounted on the shower wall?  And does he have a name for it?

Of course I do.   And if he'd bothered to ask me, he would known that.
Instead, the article is a vile and tawdry look at rumors of my past affairs, attempting to hook me up even going so far as to suggest I had a three-way with Bayard Rustin and Langston Hughes. Please. Those two couldn't stand each other.  I had to see them both on the sly.  A three-way would have been soooooooooooo much easier, soooooooooooooooooo much easier.


February 25, 2009.
Dear Diary,
Everyone has seen the cover of this week's People You Forgot And Why.  My phone won't stop ringing.  It's so bad that even I'm starting to get sick of my ring tone (Falco's "Der Kommissar").  I am loving the attention and thinking this could finally be my comeback.  I've even dusted off my notes for The Port Hueneme Statement -- my long planned sequel to The Port Huron Statement. And if it's a success, I could do additional Port statements, be sort of the Anthony Bourdain of the semi-political set, you know?
But I've got to get rid of the dildo.  Everyone asks.  Every phone call brings it up.


March 19, 2009
Dear Diary,
It's true what they say.  If you name an animal, you will keep it.  So if you find a stray, don't name it while you look for its rightful owner.
I learned that the hard way.
For weeks, I tried to get rid of the dildo.  I'd grip it firmly in my left hand, lightly running my thumb along the glans, and prepared to pull it off the shower wall.
But then I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Not to The Obama.
If only I hadn't named it.
If only.


April 7, 2009
Dear Diary,
I am consumed by The Obama.
I go into the shower at regular intervals throughout the day to ask The Obama what I should do. Sometimes, I'm already in the bathroom.  But I'll still seek out the wisdom of The Obama.
"Oh Great and Might Obama," I will says, "please tell me, should I flush or leave it be?"
Some days, I feel it feeds me an answer.
Most days, I feel it mocks me.
Staring back at me in silence with it's single eye, it mocks me.
It is at those moments that I sob, "Yes, yes!  I am a Tom Hayden Democrat!"
And, knowing I repulse The Obama, I feel strangely turned on.


May 14, 2009
Dear Diary,
I dreamt last night that I was riding The Oh-Bama.
We were in a meadow and I was gripping The Oh-Bama tightly as he whinnied and threw his head back.  I then slipped off his sweaty back.  From the ground, I looked up and saw The Oh-Bama aim a hoof at my chest.  Repeatedly, he struck me.
I moaned.
I groaned.
I shivered.
And I shrunk and continued shrinking as I called out his name.
I awoke in the shower, my butt cheeks parted, The Obama firmly inside me.
And I had only one question: What did my dream mean?












Trees

trees2


Trees
Rise
Grow
Trees

Leaves
Brown
Fall
Leaves

Roots
Bury
Dig
Roots

Humans
Here
Gone
Humans.












Where is stupid Sven?



With a mortar, you grind your potion.


"They say he's been trying to get in touch with the Dark Brotherhood."

You grab some cabbage soup.

"Hey, wanna play tag?"

Some glow dust.

"I don't buy fancy clothes, but you look like you might."

Some honeycomb.

"It's good to see a fresh face.  You wouldn't have happened to have come from Whiterun?"

Some lavender and nightshade.

"Don't forget me next time you need herbs and potions."

Thistle branch and slaughterfish egg.

"Oh well. Thanks anyway, I suppose."

Tundra cotton.

"Drink for the thirsty, food for the hungry."

For dragons, power equals truth.

"Great.  Get back to me when you're done and I'll give you something for your time."

Mud crab.

"The Divine saved me from the streets."

Gormlaith Golden-Hilt.


"Cross the bridge at your own peril and the gate will not open.  You shall not gain entry."

Extant






Halle Berry's TV show Extant debuts Wednesday night on CBS.









This edition's playlist

joanna newsom



1) Joanna Newsom's Have One On Me.

2) Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.

3) Judy Henske and Jerry Yester's Farewell Alderbaran.

4) Free Design's Kites Are Fun.

5) Tori Amos' Boys for Pele.

6) Manic Street Preachers' This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours.

7) Animal Collective's Centipede HZ.

8) Prince's Around The World In A Day.

9) Judy Collins' In My Life.

10) The Jimi Hendrix Experience's Are You Experienced?

















The Summer Read Edition

Yes, it's back.

1summerread

The summer read edition.

Where we offer attempts at good writing and bad writing.

Most of us had forgotten last summer's edition:




Specifically, most had forgotten that we had announced we were done with the summer edition.

2013 was awful.  The worst ever.

But we're back.

With another summer read edition.

For those who'd like to look at previous editions, we'll note them below.  In all these years, we think we've probably done enough to pull together one solid edition.  Not great, but solid.

The June 26, 2005 edition was our first summer read. Those who worked on that edition were:

Jim, Dona, Ty, Jess and Ava of The Third Estate Sunday Review;
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude;
Betty of Thomas Friedman is a Great Man;
Kat of Kat's Korner;
and C.I. of The Common Ills

You can also be sure Dallas worked on it as well. The short story content was:

A Fractured Life (the Wally Lamb style book) K-Boy Tries To Get Back Home (a horrific parable) The Gleeful Boy (the Sue Miller type read) Summer poetry: "Filling the Well" Peek (the summer page turner) Kooky Cokie Roberts offers up advice

and rounding out that summer read edition:

Five Books, Five Minutes, Editorial: Mainstream Press Do Your Homework on the pre-invasion bombings and TV Review OC: The arm pit of body wash operettas

The June 4, 2006 edition was our second summer read. Working on that edition (along with Dallas) were:

The Third Estate Sunday Review's Dona, Jess, Ty, Ava and Jim;
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude;
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man;
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review;
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills);
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix;
Mike of Mikey Likes It!;
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz;
and Wally of The Daily Jot.

The fiction offered:

Song of the War Hawks Super Laura?
Once upon a time there were plenty of Baby Dumbasses
Sherman's Story
From a diary found in the Mayflower Hotel
The ones we never know
TV: TESR Investigates


June 24, 2007 was our third edition. Along with Dallas, the following helped:


The Third Estate Sunday Review's Dona, Jess, Ty, Ava and Jim,
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude,
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man,
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review,
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills),
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix,
Mike of Mikey Likes It!,
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz,
and Wally of The Daily Jot

And we produced:

TV: Hidden Yawns
Base Is Hell
The Tired Tryst
The Asbury Park Murder
Creation Theory
Samantha Power Between Her Knees
Cut The Fat! Newt Takes It Off!

June 22, 2008 was our fourth edition and along with Dallas, the following worked on it:


The Third Estate Sunday Review's Dona, Jess, Ty, Ava and Jim,
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude,
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man,
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review,
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills),
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix,
Mike of Mikey Likes It!,
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz,
Ruth of Ruth's Report,
Wally of The Daily Jot,
and Marcia SICKOFITRDLZ.

And our summer reads included:

TV: Breaking what?
New York Times, Early Edition
Clouds
The non-whistle blower
Bee-bees and cockle bugs
Circling

June 21, 2009 was our summer read last year, worked on by Dallas and:

The Third Estate Sunday Review's Jim, Dona, Ty, Jess, and Ava,
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude,
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man,
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review,
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills),
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix,
Mike of Mikey Likes It!,
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz,
Ann who's filling in for Ruth at Ruth's Report,
Wally of The Daily Jot,
Marcia of SICKOFITRDLZ
and Stan of Oh Boy It Never Ends.


And our efforts were:


TV: Fiction

The curse

Hey there! Marilyn Monroe is using Twitter.

Clooney's Dark Secrets

Summer reads

The Dumb Ass Hour every Saturday morning

The wedding day

The house

The literary ranter





In summer 2011, the following worked on the July 17th edition:


The Third Estate Sunday Review's Jim, Dona, Ty, Jess and Ava,
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude,
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man,
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review,
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills),
Mike of Mikey Likes It!,
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz),
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix,
Ruth of Ruth's Report,
Wally of The Daily Jot,
Trina of Trina's Kitchen,
Marcia of SICKOFITRDLZ,
Stan of Oh Boy It Never Ends,
Isaiah of The World Today Just Nuts,
and Ann of Ann's Mega Dub.


 And we came up with:








In the summer of 2012, the following worked on the edition (the following plus Dallas):



The Third Estate Sunday Review's Jim, Dona, Ty, Jess and Ava,
Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude,
Betty of Thomas Friedman Is a Great Man,
C.I. of The Common Ills and The Third Estate Sunday Review,
Kat of Kat's Korner (of The Common Ills),
Mike of Mikey Likes It!,
Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz),
Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix,
Ruth of Ruth's Report,
Wally of The Daily Jot,
Trina of Trina's Kitchen,
Marcia of SICKOFITRDLZ,
Stan of Oh Boy It Never Ends,
Isaiah of The World Today Just Nuts,
and Ann of Ann's Mega Dub.

And the edition included:





Highlights



This piece is written by Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude, Cedric of Cedric's Big Mix, Kat of Kat's Korner, Betty of Thomas Friedman is a Great Man, Mike of Mikey Likes It!, Elaine of Like Maria Said Paz, Ruth of Ruth's Report, Marcia of SICKOFITRADLZ, Stan of Oh Boy It Never Ends, Ann of Ann's Mega Dub, Isaiah of The World Today Just Nuts and Wally of The Daily Jot. Unless otherwise noted, we picked all highlights.


Isaiah's The World Today Just Nuts "Barack Explore..." -- Isaiah on Barack's decision to be a bear in the gay community.

"Tammy," "A movie plea,"  "Begin Again," "Maleficent," "A film," "Begin Again," "Tammy" and "Paul Mazursky passes away" -- Stan, Betty, Ruth, Elaine and Trina go to the movies.


"Reading assignment for Joel Wing and other nut jobs," "and f**k you, tom hayden," "The idiot Chris Hill,"Joe Biden, another politician of broken promises,"  "Barack's betrayal of Iraq," "Barack backed Nouri, remember that," "As C.I. told you, Barack is prepping for possible combat in Iraq "Despot Nouri," "Thug Nouri," "Why does the press whore?," "kurds and the krg,"  "Even more troops into Iraq" and "Iraq" -- Iraq coverage in the community. 


"Pig boy Barack" and "THIS JUST IN! BARRY O'S WAR ON WOMEN!" -- fair wages.


"Son of a Bush" -- Isaiah dips into the archives.

"A few thoughs on Hillary," "Hillary's chances don't look good to me," "Hillary and Benghazi" and "The greed of Hillary" -- Ruth, Ann and Kat look at the 'front runner.'



"Mistresses (Karen gets a pick up)," "Some thoughts on True Blood," "salem and community" and "Meshach Taylor" -- Rebecca, Stan, Ruth, Marcia and Ann cover TV. 



"Why I hate fan bois and girls" -- Mike's post on those who gush over Glenn but ignore Ed.
"The bloom is off the rose, Barack" -- Betty on Barack.
"A special investigator is needed" and "IRS scandal" -- Marcia on the IRS scandal.

  
"Jewel and privacy" and "Diana Ross" -- Kat and Betty cover music.


"Barry O takes it hard!" and "THIS JUST IN! HE'S THE WORST!" -- The American people have spoken.

"Ivan Eland's Outrageous Statements" -- Ann calls it out.
"US involvement in Pinochet crimes" -- Trina on a court verdict.
  

  






Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.
 
Poll1 { display:none; }