Sunday, June 24, 2007

Cut The Fat! Newt Takes It Off!

What would summer be without a weight loss book? Wading in to the annual bikini and toga debate this year is former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. An excerpt from his upcoming book, Cut The Fat! Newt Takes It Off! as told to William R. Forstchen.

America is a fat nation and that has to stop. Cut the fat! Cut the fat!

Under the leadership of the late Ronald Reagan, America was a nation where things flourished, trains ran on time, the world was at peace, neighbors openly hugged one another on the streets and we all had the appropriate body mass. Then came McClinton and it's been fat, fat, fat ever since.

Waistlines or Waste Lines

You want to look good on the beach? Well how can you when, as soon as you get there, you're confronted with all these Welfare Beachers? Sucking on the government teet. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. It's time to cut them off. We need legislation that will impose a maximum of two weeks for unemployment insurance. If you leave a job, you're expected to give two weeks notice. Two weeks is certainly long enough to find a job. If you can't, then there must be something wrong with you! You should either kill yourself or move overseas where most of the jobs currently are!

Firm Buttocks or Bullocks!

As my third or fourth wife likes to remind me, no one likes a flabby ass. And why should they?

And why should we take it upon ourselves to provide free breakfasts to school children? Aren't they fat enough as it is? Most of them only go to school for seven and a half hours a day as it is. Are you telling me there's not time to work? Want to eat? Get a job! Are you telling me that the children in China, Malaysia, Thailand or Vietnam have more fortitude than American children? If it's so, it's only because we baby children in this country.

We used to take pride, in this country, in our sweat shops. Saw them as a by-product of the Industrial Revolution. As Jeffrey Sachs has said, "My concern is not that there are too many sweatshops, but that there are too few." I share that concern and think we've gotten awfully namby-pamby in this country over a few fires right after the turn of the last century. Fires are exciting and fun. Kids love them. Lot of them want to ride a fire truck. Quit trying to shelter them and hide them away. Put 'em to work and let them show a little productivity that made this country great.

"There's nothing like the satisfaction you feel after an honest day's work," friends often tell me and I take their word for it. You should too. It is child abuse to deny that same satisfaction to children.

Thighs or Piernas

One of the most slimming things about anyone's appearance is the ability to stand up. You need strong legs for that. Whether you are pointing out that Spanish is "the language of living in a ghetto" or calling out for the end of bilingual programs in public schools, as I did, in 1995, you have to take tough stands. Not only does that make you more attractive, it also gives you stronger legs which enable you to run quickly should anyone notice that you who insult Spanish also hectored David Branccacio that Marketplace should broadcast in Spanish back in 2001?

Saggy Man Boobs

One of the things we hear often is "Be All That You Can Be" and sometimes we may overreach. Like when Bill Clinton thought he could put me and Bob Dole at the back of Air Force One. Like Rosa Parks before me, I didn't hesitate to protest. I shut down the entire federal government. Where's my White Man's History month, huh? But a lot of times we have to grasp that while aspirations are good, acceptance is sometimes needed.

Take my saggy man boobs. Please! I joke about them but I wouldn't live without them. Not now, since I've accepted them. I always used to drool over women's breasts and, the way I see it, my own saggy man boobs are just the Lord's way of rewarding me. I may not ever need divorce again. Anytime I feel a little frisky, I just close my eyes, reach inside my own shirt and fondle away.

Newt below, at a photo session, posing for the cover of Cut The Fat! Newt Takes It Off!

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