Monday, January 16, 2017

The Coward's Guide To Surviving The Week


Friday, January 20th, Donald Trump is scheduled to be sworn in as President of the United States.

Primed by hucksters in Congress (yes, we mean you tired ass John Lewis), fools and liars, some in the United States are living in huge fear of this impending day.

They're acting like most of the cast of Mimi Leder's DEEP IMPACT after President Tom Beck explains a massive extinction event will be happening shortly.

To aid them, we've prepared a little survivors guide that may get them through Friday.

1) Remember to breathe.  Failure to breathe won't result in death, it will simply make you pass out, at which point you will breathe automatically.   (Some may elect to pass out.)

2) Passing out can also be accomplished via consuming large amounts of alcohol.  Not recommended for those in recovery or those operating vehicles.

3) Nodding out is quite common among those who use heroin.  If you haven't used heroin previously, grasp that heroin is quite addictive and that a new addiction (or ''habit") can consume plenty of time -- both while active in addiction and while recovering -- which might not just get you through the day but also through the next four years.

4) Present yourself with pain to distract from the day.  Cut off a toe, slam a car door on your hand, go to NETFLIX and binge NCIS, anything to cause severe pain can distract.

5) If distraction won't work, embrace your hatred and anger by visiting the feeds of psycho Twitter users like Debra Messing and Kurt Eichenwald.

6) If distraction and hatred won't work, retreat.  Stream the box office bomb SOUTHSIDE WITH YOU or the equally tired BARRY.  Keep telling yourself, "It's still 2009.  Yes, we can!  Yes, we can!"

7) If you need a stronger retreat, maybe try bringing back "the rest cure" Charlotte Perkins Gilman endured and documented in THE YELLOW WALLPAPER.  To make sure sexism doesn't take root, we would encourage as many males as possible to join in.

8) You can also retreat by checking into a mental institution.

9) Or, by all means, move to Canada.

10) Or just find a quiet place to hide because, trust us, no one needs a sniveling coward around.

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