Monday, April 25, 2016

Political Match Up (take the quiz)

Voting can be hard.

Especially with the current slate of candidates

Lena Dunham said in 2012 that voting was like sex -- and if you looked like her, you might confuse the two as well.

But with four simple questions, we can match you up with the candidate you are most similar to.

Choose your answers and for every "1," give yourself one point, for every "2," give yourself two points, etc.


When your neighbor puts up a fence to keep their dog from running free, you:

1) tell your neighbor it's a good idea and you appreciate it
2) tell your neighbor that he is an idiot or that she is a stupid woman but what can you expect from a woman anyway
3) congratulate your neighbor on starting the wall but explain it needs to be bigger, longer and serve as a southern dividing wall
4) convey your surprise by ordering a bombing of your neighbors home
5) talk about Gaza and the suffering there.

When you learn someone you know has died, you respond by:

1) Feeling sad and offering condolences
2) Scream, "Traitor! You can't leave yet! You're a f**king quitter!"
3) Ask the surviving family member if possibly the deceased had requested an absentee ballot and, if so, could you please have that?
4) Cackle and shriek, "I came, I conquered, he died."
5) Publicly wonder how many people died in Gaza today.


You see two wrecked cars and someone bleeding walking to the middle of the road and waving you over.  You:

1) Call 9-11 and pull over to offer assistance
2) Yell, honk your horn, speed up and flip everyone off as you pass
3) Pull over but ask the bleeding person, "Do you have AIDS?  I can't help you if you have AIDS. I won't help you if you have AIDS."
4) Wave the person over because you're in a hurry while you yell, "What difference, at this point, does it make anyway?"
5) Pull over and rush to the injured to ask them if they realize that Palestinians suffer far greater injuries on a daily basis?

A friend is unsure who to vote for and you are running for office.  You:

1) Go through the candidates explaining the pros and cons of each.
2) Bellow, "You stupid moron!  You don't know who to vote for!  Who would want your vote anyway!"
3) explain the queerosexual, feminazi, tree hugging, Wiccan  agenda has destroyed the country so there is only one candidate to vote for and that is you or "we're all going to hell in a tea bag."
4) Insist that you are the only one running for office
5) Insist that you are the only one running for office.


Time to add up your answers.

4 - 7 You are a match with Bernie Sanders.  Congratulations.

8 You are a match with Donald Trump.  You have our sympathies.

9 - 13 Ted Cruz is your Dream Date.  Have fun.

14 - 17 You ended up with Hillary Clinton -- someone had to.  Ask Bill about how this will age you.

18 -20 Jill Stein is your candidate of choice -- but do you know what happened in Gaza today?

For those who had 'spoiled' ballots -- meaning you didn't answer all four questions -- Hillary Clinton and the DNC already filed a motion insisting you intended to vote for her so those of you who scored 1-3 are Hillary voters by default (and by hook and by crook).

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