Monday, December 24, 2018

More Hetero-Wash Films for Rami Malek


Rami Malek's 'success' in BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY means he'll go on to hetero-wash the lives of other noted gay men.

1) SHY BOY: THE PAUL LYNDE STORY Status: Completed

SHY BOY traces Paul's life and career starting with his 1956 guest appearance on THE MARTHA RAE SHOW.  Looking at Martha (Lena Dunham) from a distance, Paul exclaims to himself, "Kitten, I'm smitten."  But he's shy and unable to convey his feelings to Martha.  This shyness follows him throughout his career including on the set of BEWITCHED where he has more than cousinly feelings for Elizabeth Montgomery (played by Emma Stone).  Agnes Moorehead (Lea Delaria in a show stopping performance) pulls him aside and tells him there is trouble in Montgomery's marriage and that, "You're just the sort of rough neck stud our Lizzie needs.  Tell her, Paul!  Go work your manly magic on her!"  But even with such prompting, the tragically shy Paul is unable to pursue Elizabeth. Finally, on the set of TEMPERATURE'S RISING, Paul conveys his hots for Joan Van Ark (played by Sally Kirkland), "You got my temperature rising, doll!"  But Van Ark rebuffs him and quits the show to avoid him, sending him spiraling into a depression that is only broken when, on the set of THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, Paul meets Fannie Flagg (Sarah Jessica Parker) and his shyness vanishes as the two move in together and Paul, with Fannie's loving strength, defeats his booze addiction.


Filming of this musical ode to heterosexual manhood was completed in late October.  Rami plays playwright Oscar Wilde and Tom Cruise (sensing Oscar bait) plays Oscar's buddy Alfred Douglas.  The film opens with a shot of Rami and Tom in bed together, each plowing an unnamed maiden (Emma Roberts and Leslie Grossman) while Rami does a voice over narration in song: "Balls deep in pu**y, Red blooded men are we, Me and my buddy Alfie, We drink, brawl and hunt pu**y."  The bro-ship is deep but it bothers Alfred's father (Tim Allen in a rare dramatic turn) who wants his son to settle down so he works to break up the bromance.  Stand out numbers include "Bros Before Hoes" performed in spangled (and assless) chaps and especially the line dancing clog number "Mary Had Only One Son But Cher Had Two."


Filming came to a standstill last month when Rami shot the scene where George Michael encounters police officer Marcelo Rodriguez (Mario Lopez playing a rare butch role) in the public toilet at Will Rogers Memorial Park in Beverly Hills.  In the script, Rami's George has the turkey trots and darts into the men's room only to discover no toilet paper in the stall.  Seated next to him, Marcelo insists he's "giving birth to a massive turd and I can't spare any t.p."  "Not even a square?" asks George.  Marcelo huffs, "I can't spare a square!"  The battle over toilet paper leads to a fist fight and George's arrest for assaulting a cop which  was supposed to hetro-wash out the gay sex offer by the police officer.  As filming of the scene ended, director Joel Schumacher realized Diablo Cody's script 'borrowed' heavily from SEINFELD's "The Stall."  Though Cody offered to do the rewrite, Schumacher and WARNER are holding out for Michael Arndt and Simon Kinberg.  Filming is on hold until a suitable rewrite is completed.

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