Sunday, February 18, 2007

Big Daddy Dumb Ass


Big Daddy Dumb Ass

not-so-secret identity: Tony Blankly

Super Powers: Can defy the bounds of gravity and logic. Able to "reproduce" through a freakish childhood accident.

Hatched in 1948, little Anthony Blankly showed every indication of living up to his name and leaving no mark on society. His bland demeanour allowed him a very brief run as a child actor.
In 1956, his career came to an end as a result of a freakish accident.

While flipping through the pages of Atlas Comics' Millie The Model, Blankly came across an ad for sea horses. Though his parents said "no," in a rare show of spunk and a seldom seen again ability to stand against authoritarianism, little Anthony pointed out that he'd brought home the bacon, most recently with The Harder They Fall, and that he darn well intended to spend some it.

To their eternal regret, his parents relented and Blankly was soon sending a money order in. Tragedy strikes the day after the parcel arrives as Tony Blankly opens it in front of the TV (that he was repeatedly told not to sit so close to). That dark Tuesday, while holding the sea horses up for a better look, the TV screen caught his eye as Andy Pandy was performing his closing song. Rushing to wave goodbye to Andy Pandy, Blankly inadvertantly tossed 20 to 30 seahorses down his gullet.

Gulping and bathed by the TV rays his father had repeatedly warned him against, Blankly felt something going on inside him: the seahorses were dissolving into minute DNA which was attaching itself to his own genetic code.

The transformtation allowed Blanky the power to defy gravity and logic by taking his voice to volumes never before heard. In addition, they allowed him to both breast feed and reproduce.
Blankly prefers breast feeding because it is less taxing on his system; however, he has twice birthed offsprings (as all male seahorses can): Tucker Carlson and Fred Barnes.

More often, he likes to return to his old stomping ground of Loyola where he offers his teets to unsuspecting students who, once they have suckled, are eternally bound to the Dark Prince of Dumb Asses, more commonly known as Big Daddy Dumb Ass.

That monicker has resulted in at least one battle surpreme, on Mount Punditry, when he was challenged for the title by the Fox "News" crew (Bill O'Reilly taunted, "Daddy? You gave birth, you friggin' sea horse! Shut up! Shut up!") and the CNN right wing and centrist squad (basically, their entire punditry squad). (MSNBC sat out the battle thinking that by hanging back, they could ape whomever emerged victorious and finally find a direction for the cable channel.)

Blankly's fist-a-cuffs quickly disposed of Bill O'Reilly but Nancy Grace proved to be a formidable challenge until he resorted to his loud vocal volume and sent her fleeing in tears. At that point, Chris Wallace unleashed the device his tinkering mad scientist father had created for him and nearly won the battle. Pulling the lever off a square box, Wallace stood back as an annoying high pitched whine began: "Did you ever wonder?"

Yes, Wallace's father had managed to capture the sound of Andy Rooney's voice in digital form and increase it ten fold. Realizing he was close to losing and seeing Jeffrey Goldberg and Brit Hume advancing, Blankly opened the compartments on his NursingMamas blouse and unleashed the lactation which not only stopped everyone in their tracks, it also caused the box emitting Andy Rooney's voice to short circuit.

"Run!" Tony Blankly roared as he manipulated his nipples. "Run like cowards! I am Big Daddy Dumb Ass!"

Most recently, on the latest edition of PBS' McLaughlin Group, Blankly demonstrated that he can still defy gravity and logic as he insisted that the Dixie Chicks' Grammy wins resulted from nonpolitical music. (As anyone who's listened to Taking The Long Way can attest, it's a strong mixture and mingling of the personal and the political. Possibly Blankly, haven't birthed by Carlson and Barnes, only focused on the songs about motherhood.)

Most recently, in attempt to cater to the kiddies, Blankly has been attempting to recruit a junior division of Dumb Asses to carry on the tradition. He has been most successful with regards to Teen Dumb Ass.
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