Sunday, December 25, 2005

All Puff No Politics (parody)

We love our parodies. Our readers tend to as well. Consider this your Christmas gift.

At the intersection of politics and pop culture, you'll find us lost and asking for directions

We Finally Weigh in on the War (Our Official Statement)
A number of critics have expressed disappointment that we've had nothing to say about the war after all this time. I want to note first off that we couldn't provide you with the much needed coverage of Wentworth Miller and snaps for Veronica Mars if we took the time to weigh in on every issue some nut case has.
But as the chorus has grown louder, I felt that possibly, perhaps, maybe we needed to weigh in.
So a number of us sat down to come up with an official statement on the war.
We've been accused of ignoring the deaths and destruction. We've been accused of silence at a time when brave voices were needed.
Not true, say I! Nobody can question our bravery. Not all that long ago, I wrote a piece on pies and Thanksgiving. That wasn't easy for me. I prefer cakes to pies. I would have been happier writing about cakes. But pies matter to a lot of people. And pies were a big issue in circles around the water cooler. So I stepped up to the plate, I bit the bullet, and I found my voice.
You'd think I'd get a little credit for that. I don't know that a great number of other blogs addressed the very important issue of pies and Thanksgiving.
But I did. I did it here. So no one has a right to ever question my stance on the issues.
For those who have been critical, here is this site's official position on the war:

After much soul searching and consulting our leatherbound editions of The New Republic, we have concluded that the war was both necessary and needed. If Americans had not gotten into the war, what kind of world would we live in? Here at All Puff No Politics, we will stand up and state loudly and clearly that we support the actions taken in World War II.

It wasn't easy to come to that conclusion because we are majorly uninformed on most topics that aren't discussed at the A-list table in any high school cafeteria. But we did our work and we are proud to offer our statement on the war. Hopefully, that settles the issue.
-- Pristine

Uh, Pristine, I think people were asking you to make a statement about the Iraq war?

Iraq War? Is that the sequel to Arachnophobia? I hated that movie! Spiders, ugh!

I truly think you should be ashamed of your silence regarding Iraq. I would suggest that you read the chapter entitled "Colony Within the Colony" in Sheila Rowbotham's Women, Resistance & Revolution which came out in 1972.

Lucille, are you as big a drip as you seem? And why would I want to read such a book? How does such a book have anything to say to me? It's not even a Best of containing articles from The New Republic, I bet. We've made our official statement on the war, we support WWII. If that's not good enough for you, I'm sad that you won't be visiting All Puff No Politics anymore.
(I'm not really sad, Lucille. I was sticking my tongue at you while I wrote that I was sad.)

Women's Voices Coming Through Loud and Clear
Everyone must read torture supporter Dotty Bush's
latest at GOPLovingButCentrist

What is about torture that's so wrong? I roll up the newspaper and hit my dog over the snout when he's bad. How is that different from torture?
Also do not skip Laughing Lottie and her
addressing the pressing issues effecting women today:

So Dell comes in and starts jabbering right in the middle of Prison
. Wentworth Miller once a week almost makes my marriage
Couldn't he have chosen a better time?
So true, Laughing Lottie, so true. Right Wing Sue further explores the state of womanhood today:

I hate Jane Fonda!!!! Don't you hate Jane Fonda!!!! Jane Fonda's movies set my nerves on edge!

Many influential critics at major media outlets have echoed Right Wing Sue so I will too. Now I'll take a break because it's really hard for a professional journalists like myself to write so much in one entry.

I like Jane Fonda and Monster-In-Law was a funny movie.

Oh beg to differ Marthy, I can give you a list of male critics and male wanna bes at major papers who trashed Monster-In-Law. The film bombed!

Monster-In-Law, starring a white woman over sixty, a Latina woman and an African-American woman, was probably the most inclusive movie, cast wise, last summer. And excuse me, but Ms. picked Jane Fonda as one of their women of the year not all that long ago and Wanda Sykes was on the cover last summer.

Who reads Ms.? I said "major media outlets." Don't you know how to listen! The film bombed!
I'll attack it and Jane Fonda in the name of sisterhood. Deal with it!

Actually, Pristine, the film didn't "bomb." It made over eighty million in a lackluster summer and it outperformed recent films that starred a woman over fifty. It was very funny and addressed the lengths that a woman in crisis could go to. The message was positive. I don't know about your "major media outlets," but I do know that I don't need to judge a woman's performance, or a film's, by what someone writes in the mainstream media especially when they are ignorant enough to call the film a "bomb."

Well aren't you just all full of yourself. What, did you just finish Gloria Steinem's Revolution From Within? I'd urge you to put that time into reading some real papers that concern themselves with larger issues. I can call the film a "bomb" if I want to. Major media outlets did, so I can too. Truth is what institutions dominated by males tell us. You make a silly fool out of yourself Maria.

Has anyone noticed that Pristine writes more in the comments than she wrote in what she considers "her" entry?

Music: Wayne Newton Rocks & Rules!
Grooving on the wild and way cool New Republic!!!! They have the best art's coverage! They have the best everything! (They really showed Arundhati Roy, didn't they! As a pro-feminist male, I applaud them for encouraging violence towards Arundhati Roy.) Hugs and kisses and warm snuggles to everyone at The New Republic. They've turned their probing eyes to the accomplished works of Wayne Newton today so let me give them props, give them links and try to interject myself in the discussion hoping they'll reciprocate!
Wayne Newton is an American institution! His music was pioneering! I'm not sure whether he recorded in the fifties or the sixties and TNR didn't provide that information so let's just say he recorded some time ago. And he did it his way! He even had a huge hit with that song.
Wayne Newton and his music stood for all that is good in America. It represented the American spirit. It represented the Holy Ghost! It represented everything and surely today's rappers owe a great debt to der Newton.
Wayne Newton started it all!
But to prove my "objectivity," let me note that not everything Wayne Newton recorded was excellent. Some songs were merely good. None come to mind because I really don't know what I'm talking about. But I am objective so I need to demonstrate that. I'm like the professor that doesn't believe in handing out more than a couple of A grades because, if I recognize quality in many, that degrades the excellence of my chosen few.
See, there are standards. And standards have been set down in stone. The white, straight, male canon is one that I celebrate because I believe in "quality" and I believe in "tradition." You can see that thought pattern in my work.
So though I love The New Republic and Wayne Newton (I sleep with both under my pillow!) (Well, a photo of Wayne Newton) I must note that excessive praise does no one any good. It's the equivalent of opening up the canon. Preserve our standards and praise be to Alan Bloom!
-- Barney (not the big purple guy)


I have no idea what you're talking about and wonder if you do.

Wayne Newton rocks! Loved him performing at the GOP thing in Florida after we stole
the vote!

Here here for Wayne Newton. F**k yourself, Linus! We own the world.
GOP Party On!

In a pinch, if I couldn't have sex with Bully Boy, I'd so do Wayne Newton. Linus is an idot who needs to be killed. Slowly and painfully tortured to death.

Some of you may have noted that Kat disagrees with me. Well she ignores me. She doesn't even write about me. She's just writing about the "hailstorm" (her term) in the comments. I've written her to demand that she correct her opinion. Like Glenn Close in Fatal Beauty, I will not be ignored! So go over to her site and give her hell. I found a way to scream at her in an e-mail and I bet you will too. Burn the witch! Bash the bitch! Motto for now and forever!

Barney, you the man! Way to put that uppity girl in her place. I'm as sick as you are of chicks thinking they can have their own opinion. Give me my marching orders, Barney, I will follow!

Excuse me but I enjoyed Kat's post. As someone who has long supported Pristine's work, I'm surprised by the tone of the comments here and the deliberate attempts to distort. Frank Sinatra had the hit with "My Way," Glenn Close starred in Fatal Attraction, not Fatal Beauty, and Kat used the term "firestorm," not "hail storm." As a Latina woman, I'm hesitant to post here considering the anti-woman nature of the comments and the fact that there seems to be no effort to question or explore "conventional wisdom" that always inducts white males into the canon but reduces others to the margins.

Maria, I'm not thrilled with the comments here either but Barney linked to himself on a Wayne Newton fan site which has brought us a lot of traffic (we've had twelve hits today!). I could have defended Linus but really, what was the point? He disagreed with Barney and I only support free speech when it's me or Barney. As for Kat, I read her blog.
She's not very smart. Barney's a much better writer. As a feminist, I have no trouble tearing down a woman to build up a man and neither should you. If she can't get with the program and blindly cheerlead every white male in creation then she has to take her lumps. I'm very interested in hearing your opinions as a Latina. Feel free to post more so I can ignore your points (like Barney's factual errors that you point out) and trash you as I have Kat.

On Protecting Our Daughters
Daughters are important to the future. Without them, who would our sons marry? (For those offended by the question, we'll post a transgender post tomorrow so give me a break already!)
And it's important that we raise our daughters to realize both what their rights are and what their rights aren't. Rights are a finite thing.
Which is why I recommend that every Thursday night, if you have a daughter, or maybe if there's a young teenager in the neighobrhood that you speak with, you sit down with her to watch UPN's Veronica Mars which is like mainlining Joss Whedon on an empty stomach! See Veronica Mars is an empowerment role model for young girls. For instance, last year she went around screaming she was raped. This year, she finally had to face reality that she chose to have sex. That's an important message for young women, one they need to hear.
I'm so glad and so proud that Veronica Mars has made year two about crying false rape. I can get behind that message.

You have truly lost it. You need to read Susan Brownmiller's Against Our Will and possibly put some actual thought into what you write.

What do you want from me, Lucille? Am I supposed to consult you for a reading list????
Excuse me, but I just got season seven of Buffy on DVD and I think that says a lot more than any dopey book could. I'm also hard at work, something you might want to try doing, attempting to break my record for most views of a movie (72 for Lethal Weapon II) with Serendipity and I'm only up to 64 on that so I don't exactly have a great deal of time.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.
Poll1 { display:none; }