Sunday, June 27, 2010

US (SR) Socialist Worker (Parody)

socialist worker

Remember, our Socialism 2010 Conference in Chicago was a huge success. Counting wait staff, we had almost 1,000 people present! Now we're taking it to Oakland! Thank you to the ten people who have RSVPed. (That includes Milton who wrote back, "F**k you!" Milton, we put you down for the fish dinner.)

The U.S. Social Forum in Detroit was a smashing showcase and a learning experience. Among the stand out moments was the Bismarck at Supino Pizzeria. Its crust is too thin and there's something gross about a fried egg on a pizza but if you drown it in blue cheese, mmmm, good. I headed over to Hunter House Hamburgers for . . . Golly, I guess an onion burger. I looked at the overpriced biscuit and wondered where the hell my beef patty was? Did they leave it on the grill? With a vagrant, I led a chant of "Where's the Beef! Where's the Beef!" until the police arrived and wrote me up for trademark infringement. I think I can beat the rap next month when I go on trial. On the way back to the Festivas, I stopped in Ann Arbor for the chicken shawarma plate at Jerusalem Garden. As I pushed my plate away and wiped my mouth with my napkin, I began banging on the table and demanding that Israel agree to a full investigation into the attack on the flotilla. Fellow diners were clearly on my side but, intimidated and beat down by Da Man, they refused to make eye contact and determinedly stared away from me. I think with a few more visits, I can really light a fire under this crowd. And I'll for sure try some more of that delicious lentil soup! Back at the Festivas, I attended a discussion sponsored by the National Assembly to End the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars where we all talked about the last episode of Lost and how ABC really f**ked it up. My big contribution was offering that Lost was basically The Prisoner but with American accents and suggesting that we head to Mario's on Second Avenue to get the linguine with white wine clam sauce. Resist, fight the power and bring a dining out bib!

The New Face of the KKK
In what I plan to be my absolutely last and final column on Arizona -- the most racist and hateful state in the union -- I must discuss the little racists of district 13 who refused my request that they honor The Dave Zirin Arizona Boycott by refusing to play Little League this summer. Speaking to 9-year-old Nathaniel Johnson, I refused to allow the little racist to squirm his way out by accepting his laughable assertion that he didn't know what a boycott was. For shame, Nathaniel, for shame. I chased him around the diamond screeching, "Racist! Racist! You killed Medgar Evers!" After ten minutes of this, Young Nathaniel ran like a little crybaby to his mother and sobbed. Next I cornered District 13 Board President Joe Diaz and asked him why he was encouraging racism by staging little league in the most racist place in the entire world? As he attempted to formulate a justification, I hit him with the hard fact that if he had any self-respect, he'd have moved out of the state long ago. I will be here through July 12th in order to call out these racists.

It's Up To The Teachers' Unions
The only thing that can stop the corporatist steamroller that is the Obama White House is the teachers' unions. But, stupid teachers, they don't appear to grasp that they are under threat.
I don't understand that. And pausing long enough to remove my tongue from Mikel Weisser's ass, I realize I don't understand a lot of things. But I do understand the teachers unions better do something! I didn't do a damn thing. Mikel didn't do a damn thing. We rolled over and played dead. Now it's up to the teachers' unions to do all the work we were too scared to!

Israel still sucks!

Sex in What City by token 'gina
Sex in the City is back and US (SR) Socialist Worker went looking for a woman to hide behind in order to trash the film and you know I grabbed the dough! I've never called out Observe & Report and I never called out any of the many films that don't even have an actress in the lead -- even when they have five leads. But that's how we roll at US (SR) Socialist Worker, we find something with women in it and we tear it apart and trash it and pretend like we're all high and mighty. I mean, have you ever seen us take on Matt Damon's trashy films? We eat that violence up. Those Jason Bourne films glamorize and justify spying, pimp the notion of a few bad apples and toss up on screen everything we supposedly oppose but we never call out no-neck Damon or his films. We only trash women. Now let me come up with my pull quote for this review: Sex in the City? Golly, even the original cast of Star Trek got put out to pasture for the reboot!

A People's History of Children's Stories reviewed by Tony Noloaf
One time Trotskite Zowie Henn may have departed but we can still milk his name. In his final years, having successfully turned "A People's" into a brand and serving it up on books, calendars and even sex toys, Zowie knew he needed "to jazz things up," writes junior historian -- Cub Scouts division -- Tony Noloaf in his incredible introduction where he explains how indoctrination needs to start early. "As only he can," Noloaf writes, "Zowie takes us through the ugly realities that are The Little Red Hen -- a tale of how to squeeze the last bit of life out of the Communist Party -- and many, many more stories that appear to exist only to amuse children but secretly indoctrinate them into lives of capitlist pigs. The Heart Of The Monkey, Zowie reveals, was really just a screed against universal health care." A must read and US (SR) Socialist Worker readers can read an excerpt here.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.
Poll1 { display:none; }