Before the Water Cooler Set started trying to kill off the sitcom by telling the world the format was dead, TV was doing a pretty good job all by itself. "Fat man, skinny wife; fat man, skinny wife . . ." Karen repeated to Jack in one too true, 2004 episode of Will & Grace as they flipped through the channels. It was so bad that we could picture a desperate to work Alan Thicke being informed he needed to pack on at least sixty more pounds just to get called in for a reading.
For those who've forgotten this brief entry into the sitcom canon, it included such unnotables as King of Queens (just cancelled), Yes, Dear (cancelled some time ago), Grounded for Life (cancelled some time ago), and According to Jim (just cancelled and then, on June 18th, brought back). The match up was becoming so common that the average and ugly match up on Somebody's Got To Love Raymond actually struck some as a relief. (For any wondering, Ray Romano is average.) If there was one entry in the field worth watching, it was Still Standing which featured strong leads, strong supporting performers and strong writing. It was the exception.
As if America hadn't suffered enough on 9-11, According to Jim debuted in October 2001. The program stars Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith and should have come with a voice over from Jonathan and Jennifer Hart's chauffeur, "And when they met it was murder . . . for the audience." As if the weight difference didn't make them mismatched enough, there's also the fact that Belushi is 13 years older than Thorne-Smith (though he looks 20 years older). Thorne-Smith was never plump on the show, but she did start out a great bit 'healthier' originally. We'll assume that she made an acting choice to become bone thin (while still sporting those breasts?) based on the fact that, with Jim in the house, Cheryl's not going to be eating a great deal.
What confused us was Thorne-Smith's voice which started off at a high but normal range yet has since become this tinkly instrument reminiscent of wind chimes. Is it an acting choice or a refusal to face the fact that you're turning forty? (This November.)
Thorne-Smith played a bossy little thing named Alison on Melrose Place and no one gave a damn until Heather Locklear showed up. As Alison she was prone to issuing orders such as when she told then fiancee Billy that, though they lived together, since they were about to get married, they'd have no more sex until the wedding day. Fortunately for Billy, the wedding never took place. After that even die hard viewers turned on Alison and, near the end, she didn't just show up late to Jo's trial to win back custody of her child, she showed up in the same clothes from the day prior and drunk. Did we mention Alison was an alleged 'good girl'?
From there, like many a Melrose female, she did a guest spot on Spin City before landing a regular gig on Ally McBeal where she was involved with another Billy. If anorexia was contagious, we'd guess she caught it then, from series star Calista Flockhart. She played Georgia and no one noticed and no one cared.
Which is how she ended up portraying Cheryl whose paring with Jim is like watching a fifties sitcom where Harriet Nelson leaves Ozzie to shack up with Eddie Haskall. Like Harriet Nelson's character, Cheryl's lines tend to be delivered while trying not to smile, shaking her head and saying, "Oh, you boys." The 'boy's in question are her husband Jim and her brother Andy (played by Larry Joe Campbell in a performance so bad, it really says something about the others once in the running for this role).
Life, According to Jim, consists mainly of penis jokes. If the show seems to be going for a world record in that category, there's a reason. Jim Belushi never found fame on the big screen. On Saturday Night Live, he never found laughter with one exception. Usually cast (accurately) as the loser in the skit who couldn't interest a woman, he has one bit that can be added to the next clip show SNL elects to broadcast in primetime. Having struck out repeatedly in a bar, Belushi goes off to the men's room and proceeds to stuff his crotch. Near the end, he even puts the hand dryer in there. As he struts back into the bar, his crotch preceding his body by several feet, he finally catches some attention and, a first for the actor, some laughs. After that, it's been The Penis Monologues non-stop except when he makes the mistake of fancying himself an actor and attempts a dramatic role.
That's why you get the character of Jim obsessed with penis jokes. Have no fear, they can work it into any plot. Why even a surprise birthday party can work it in as Jim explains that he hates birthday parties because, as a teenager, he thought he was alone, dropped his pants, grabbed his unit and went to town only to give those who would be yelling "Surprise!" a little (we're sure very little) surprise of their own. From birthday parties to the son's circumcision, and everything in between, it's Penis on Parade.
Originally Cheryl's sister got to get in on the 'guy' humor. Dana (played by Kimberly Williams-Paisley) was the sports interested sister -- and not the idiot her brother Andy was. Then Dana got married and had a baby and now she's been barred from the boys' club. It's a real shame because the Dana who thought her sister was a little pathetic was the most relatable thing about the show.
When not exploring the many levels of penis jokes, According to Jim likes to deal with the really pressing issues . . . from fifty years ago. That may be why the theme of Jim's "My money! I make it!" plays so overly familiar, then again, it may be due to the fact that the themes been repeated each season -- most recently when Cheryl was having to hide money in the cookie jar and Jim was swiping it since, yes, he made it, it's his. (Cheryl does not work outside of the home. Which would make her a natural on CBS a few years back.)
Sometimes According to Jim decides to rip off something a little more recent which is how you get last season's episode where Cheryl coaches their girls' basketball team and then Jim takes over. If it reminds you a lot of the same episode of Still Standing, just remember there were laughs in that episode of Still Standing. By contrast, Jim offered the 'wisdom' that kids today have "too much" self-esteem. Should we note that never has a school basketball team been so White?
We probably should. If you're wondering how something so lame and disgusting could turn out so bad, look no further than Warren Bell who, as we've noted before, complained in his online National Review column:
Yesterday the head of Disney's Touchstone Television and the head of casting for ABC/Disney called me to, er, suggest that According to Jim might do a little better this year in terms of casting minorities in significant roles. Our admittedly dismal track record was recited to me -- two Asian-Americans, one Latino (oh, dear, is that the rightterm?) in roles of "guest star" billing during the 26-episode course of last season.
That was posted on August 10th. 2006, not 1956. In 26 episodes, two people of color and one whose ethnicity was not Anglo were featured in 'guest' roles. These weren't lead roles or even big guest roles like Laraine Newman's or Linda Hamilton's. These were bit parts.
Though According to Jim will return with new episodes, executive producer Warren Bell will not. Before you breathe a sigh of relief, please note why. Bell, who couldn't get Senate confirmation to the Board of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB, overseeing PBS and NPR), got recessed appointed by the Bully Boy in December 20, 2006 -- as if December 20 didn't already have enough baggage what with the 1968 death of John Steinbeck, the 1989 invasion of Panama, etc. Having lowered the bar with qualifications by previously installing Kenneth Y. Tomlinson (whom Bell replaces), Bully Boy decided to honor the 'accomplishments' of Bell -- which include not only According to Jim but also such 'stellar' contributions as What I Like About You and Coach. Where others might see crap TV, the Bully Boy saw just what PBS needed.
And that the mediocre weak house that is According to Jim gave Bell enough 'heft' to become a player on the CPB may be the show's greatest offense. Then again, those who've sat through even one episode may beg to differ.
