TV Review: King of Queens, watch with aspirin

While the premise of the Seinfeld was doing a show about nothing, CBS' The King of Queens puts them to shame as it celebrates, week in and week out, the fact that not only is it about nothing, it has nothing to offer. It would be easy enough to dismiss The King of Queens as just another boring sitcom starring a fat man and a thin woman, but it's so, so much worse.

Possibly that's why the latest DVD set (season four), released almost three months ago, languishes at number 776 currently on Amazon's DVD sales list? We can easily think of a million things we'd rather do than watch this show; however, we'll take comfort in the fact that there are at least 775 other things to watch.

This is one of those sitcoms that never really knew what it wanted to be other than a rip-off of other sitcoms. At its roots, The King of Queens is a really bad (really, really bad) rip-off of The Honeymooners. In recent seasons, it's teamed Patton Oswalt (Spence) and Gary Valentine (Danny) up in apartment in an attempt to evoke The Odd Couple. That never happens. It doesn't even qualifiy as a good rip-off of Lenny and Squiggy of Laverne & Shirley fame.

From one season to the next, the show fails to match up. That's not merely because Kevin James (Doug) has gone from chubby to grossly obese or because Leah Remini (Carrie) has been made over repeatedly (glamor clown appears to be this year's "style"). It's also not just due to the fact that actors appear frequently in some seasons and then completely vanish. Ricki Lake had a run as Doug's sister Stephanie. At one point, Victor Williams' character (Deacon) had a wife and kids. Possibly the strangest moment for people attempting to watch the series from start to finish will be the emergence in season five of Anne Meara as Spence's mother. In the first season, Grace Zabriskie originated the character Veronica. In that same episode, Anne Meara guest-starred as a woman Arthur (supporting character played by Meara's real life husband Jerry Stiller) flirts with at a retirement home.

Either the regular King of Queens viewers are very accepting or else they're lazier than Kevin James' Doug (prone to playing with his male "boobies") and can't change the channel. (Possibly, they're hands are also playing with their own male "boobies?")

The show generally plays like a shouting match. Kevin James usually gets first dibs but most episodes, Remeni and Stiller will get in their own hollering before the opening credits roll and the theme music comes up. And if you're wondering, yes, the show's also changed themes -- from an instrumental to Billy Vera & the Beaters moaning about "My eyes are gettin' weary/ My back is gettin' tight . . ." The song plays like a country tune (many asked us if it was Tim McGraw) which is rather strange for a show set in Queens, New York.

But it's also strange that show set in Queens, New York apparently has only one African-American character (Deacon). From time to time, Carrie & Doug have neighbors who live in the house to the right of their own. Possibly the heavy turnover of that house is the result of people being unable to stand living next to Doug, Carrie and Arthur, or as we like to think of the trio: The Three Shouters.

And possibly the teaming of Spence and Danny is an attempt upon the part of the writers to provide the show with "quieter" moments? (If the Hefernan household screams, Spence and Danny whine. Usually softly.)

Wednesday night, CBS reaired this season's episode entitled "The Name Dropper." In this non-laugh riot, Doug attends an office party with Carrie and, since he can't remember the names of her co-workers, he fakes a heart attack to avoid acknowledging that he can't remember one of her co-workers' names. While that's going on, Spence's mother (Meara) is staying with Spence and Danny at their apartment and is attracted to Danny (creeping out Danny and the audience). To get back at Danny, Spence invites Danny's mother (who has a drinking problem) over for . . . a glass of wine -- a drinking problem, by the way, that Spence is aware of.

In other episodes, James' character frequently refers to sexual acts and sexual organs (when not playing with his man "boobies"). In a flashback episode, Doug and Danny hook up with Carrie and a friend (who vanishes, Carrie seems to have no friends, female or male) for what they plan to be a night of casual sex. Carrie's prone to disagreeing with priests (and just about everyone else, but stay with us, we do have a point).

"Are you two prudes or what?" Or what. We bring up the above for a reason. Despite the drinking, sex refs and assorted other misdeeds, the Parents Television Council rates this show as family friendly. For those unfamiliar with the "watchdog" that wants to have the last say in what you can see, let's just note that bad actress Connie Selleca serves on their "celebrity board" along with such "class acts" as Namoi Judd, former moralizer and gambler William Bennet and professional nuisance Pat Boone.) So what do those lovlies at the PTC think of King of Queens? Though some of the above is noted, the show never goes into the red on the PTC's green (safe for all), yellow (watch out young children!) and red ("Warning, John Ashcroft!") chart. Why do you suppose that is?

Apparently "'guy' humor" (as CBS brags of the show having) is perfectly fine. Sex jokes from the mouth of males don't rankle the PTC. In contrast, Living With Fran is a four-alarm fire for the PTC. While it's true that Fran cohabitates, it's equally true that when Deacon did have a wife, he not only cheated on her, when his wife returned, he had taken up with another woman. Living With Fran earns the PTC's "honor" of "worst TV show of the week" but "boys being boys" is apparently okay.

Personally, we'll take the 'wicked' Living With Fran over the show that boasts of such guest 'stars' as Orson Bean, Florence Henderson and Donny Osmond. CBS viewers are regularly lulled into world that doesn't exist and King of Queens does it's part to lie to them.

In Wednesday's episode, despite seven seasons of packing on the pounds, Doug learns that he's actually healthy and just "big boned." (That over hanging gut be must made up of a ton of bones.) We're sure that's "comfort food" to the viewers of the show. "Comfort food" also includes tired lines such as the following:

Spence: Instead of focusing on what's in my trunk, why don't you focus on not being such a slob?
Danny: Well why don't you work on getting your mom out of our apartment?

We're not sure what's more irritating: that this tired teenage dialogue is spouted by someone in their mid-thirties and someone in their early forites or that Kevin James' Doug expresses shock with the comment, "Your mother lives with you?"

In case James and the writers have forgotten, Doug's father-in-law lives with him. In case viewers ever wonder Gary Valentine is allowed to break character and laugh at his own jokes because in real life he's the older brother of Kevin James. We're unaware of any family members writing for the show so we'll just assume that no one pays attention and that's how an episode comes to a close with Spence and Danny reaching the agreement not to hit on one another's mothers (in order to creep each other out) only to then show them slow dancing with each other's mother as the end credits roll.

The series has never had consistency from one season to another, true, but who knew it was too much to ask that an individual episode have consistency? We're not really sure that we can blame the writers for falling asleep on the job. Churning out this junk on a weekly basis must be mind numbing. (It was mind numbing to watch.) But if you want puzzle something, puzzle this. Being on Monday nights when CBS was drawing large numbers never made the show a hit and on Wednesday nights it's still not a hit so exactly why has this show been allowed to go on for seven season? Watching the show, we saw promos for two different sitcoms debuting this fall. Both looked promising (we won't get our hopes up, this is CBS). But this fall, CBS allows King of Queens, one of the most erratic shows around (bad has been it's only consistent feature), to return. If your a series starring a fat guy married to a skinny woman, what does it take for CBS to cancel to you? Low ratings don't seem to do the trick. Not being funny doesn't appear to harm you.

With it's long history of prime time sexism (the battle among the suits to water down Cagney & Lacey are legendary to cite but one example), we're guessing that if you're willing to promote "guy humor" you can write your own ticket at CBS. From the promos, it looks like that might be changing this fall. But we're honestly amazed that CBS has been able to get away with so much (Designing Women, Murder She Wrote, Touched By An Angel, Kate & Allie . . . go down the list for shows the suits actively worked against, shows that were hits) for so long with so little comment. That needs to change.