What an awful and awkward event it was. Male driven, women seeking male approval, females pretending that tokenism and boobs on display qualified as progress.
Oh, it was horrible.
As
Isaiah noted, "
Oscars So Full Of It."
As Isaiah's comic explains, generic film maker Bryan Fogel -- of JEWTOPIA non-fame -- won for BEST DOCUMENTARY -- a newbie with no style or art defeating Agnes Varda, a true artist who's been directing since 1955 and who influenced the French New Wave -- it was robbery.
Of this hideous moment, WOMEN AND HOLLYWOOD's Melissa Silverstein gushed . . .
Oh, keep it in your pants, Melissa.
Greta was sporting breasts, not displaying, sporting.
Way to be taken seriously as a director, dear.
Were you at the Academy Awards or a photo shoot for the cover of SPORT'S ILLUSTRATED swimsuit issue?
Learn a little self-respect and grasp that for every Melissa Silverstein drooling over your tits, there are plenty of us wishing that, as you posed as a role model, you'd conducted yourself as one.
Also, probably not the moment to talk about the need to be real, Greta, while sporting a necklace on loan worth more than most viewers will make in ten years of hard work.
Not every woman was an embarrassment.
Notice that Sandra Bullock, presenting Best Cinematography, did not sport boobs or embarrass herself with loaned out 'bling.' She just looked classy and also managed to garner a few laughs.
Take a lesson, Greta, take a hard lesson.
As a nominee whispered to us while Greta was on stage, "Bitch be frontin'" -- and she wasn't the only one.
Salma Hayek, an actual actress of merit, shared the stage with two wax statues: 49-year-old Ashley Judd and 57-year-old Annabella Sciorra.
The latter two looked ageless -- not young, mind you, ageless. Every crinkle of life had been pulled and ironed out.
All that work done before you've even hit sixty.
What will they resort to in their later lives?
For now, they're enjoying a career resurgence as professional victims.
Ashley, who's long been rumored to have slept her way into roles (this predates that harassment allegations she's made against Harvey Weinstein and, for the record, the biggest rumor of Ashley sleeping her way to a role involves Ashley bedding a woman), had a brief moment when she starred in a LIFETIME woman in jeopardy film that somehow made it to the big screen. It's the same movie she then made over and over which was a huge help to movie goers -- allowing them to skip Ashley's latest same old and save a few bucks.
If Ashely once co-carried a hit, that put her ahead of Annabella.
The extreme cosmetic surgery probably left some wondering who Annabella was?
That's fine, that confusion has been the reality for Annabella throughout her career.
Even in Nancy Savoca's TRUE LOVE, Annabella was upstaged (by Ron Eldard) and, as everyone knows, Rebecca De Mornay stormed off with the film THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE. Though Ronan Farrow -- in his typical dishonest manner -- called Annabella a "star" in THE NEW YORKER, she was never a star. For a film or two, she was a leading actress.
A star delivers not just a performance, a star delivers ticket buyers. A star carries a film.
Annabella was never a star.
She was a leading actress -- in bulls**t like the 'erotica thriller' WHISPERS IN THE DARK (a whopping $11 million in ticket sales in 1992).
She'd like to act again and, if PIXAR can make TOY STORY, some studio has to be able to make MADAM TUSSAUD and employ Annabella, Ashley and all the other actresses and actors whose faces can no longer register emotion due to addictions to botox, fillers, Restylane, et al.
We were pulled away from that fantasy casting as a woman declared that "the changes we are witnessing are being driven by a powerful sound," we had to wonder if she meant the muzak pumped into the office of plastic surgeons?
But we couldn't ponder that too long because Mira Sorvino was insisting that "everyone is getting a voice to express something that's been happening forever -- not only in Hollywood, but everywhere."
Really?
Everyone?
Because the victims without money and fame still have to struggle, Mira, you know, the way you struggled after winning an Academy Award for comedy, struggled to become a dramatic actress and were soundly rejected because you didn't have the chops for it or the smarts to stick to comedy?
Harvey destroyed Mira's career?
We kind of think THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS, SUMMER OF SAM, MIMIC and WISEGIRLS beat him to the punch.
But what do we know?
Every time we saw a clip with Armie Hammer during the evening, we were impressed by Armie's acting but puzzled as to why he'd made a film with Screech?
Last we'd heard of Dustin Diamond, he'd been arrested for pulling a switch blade on someone in a bar and here he was, tonight, nominated for Best Actor for his work in CALL ME BY YOUR NAME.
We kid, we kid.
It was Emily Loyd.
No, no, still kidding.
That pointy little chin belonged to Timothee Chalamet, a twenty-two year-old trick who was up for Best Actor.
Has a nomination ever been so undeserving?
No body of film work to stand on and a failed attempt to be the male equivalent of gamine, he appears to have been embraced by all the men of the Academy who wish they could sleep with the 17-year-old character he played in CALL ME BY YOUR NAME.
Possibly that desire explains why Armie, whose performance was actually an acting achievement, wasn't nominated -- envy that he got to play opposite Timothee in those love scenes?
It's still a man's world.
Even with the strong efforts by Frances McDormand to recognize all the female nominees, it's still a man's world.
Male is the 'norm' at the Academy Awards.
We realized that repeatedly.
Such as when Tom Petty's "Room At The Top" was performed by . . . Eddie Vedder.
Not Stevie Nicks who worked and toured with Tom repeatedly, you understand.
Stevie's a legend, a singer-songwriter who still sells albums.
But she's also a woman.
Eddie's a man. So what if his group, Pearl Jam, was never as successful as Stevie's Fleetwood Mac? So what if her solo albums actually sold and contained hits while his solo work is an embarrassment?
So what if Stevie's celebrated her fellow performers and Eddie's never gotten over his jealousy of Kurt Cobain -- jealousy, please remember, that led him to tell Bill Clinton not to take a moment to note the death of Kurt.
It was him on stage, not Stevie, performing Tom's song.
Because Eddie was a "he."
And that's why we suffered through his hog calling vocals that hopefully sounded better on TV than they did in the Dolby Theatre.
It's why we had that long shout out to war -- but not to peace -- during the proceedings with a series of clips that appeared to never end (yet somehow managed to undercut women's roles in those films).
It's why people cheered accused rapist Kobe Bryant.
Or maybe they were cheering rape?
At this point, honestly, what's the diff?
It's all a bunch of pretense.
A bunch of holier than thou failures using rape and assault -- and claims that saying no to giving a man a massage counts as assault -- to try to justify the failures of their careers -- and not the fact that they did cheesy ass movies that no one wanted to see.
Taint nobodies business, least of all Brendan Fraiser who's using his allegedly stroken taint (over the cloth, mind you) to insist he was traumatized and it effected his career too.
Thank you, Brendan, for bringing the whole proceedings to a new level of laughable when we'd previously thought the 'poor' gal on the Aziz Ansari date had already taken the gold in The Oppression Olympics this year.
There were no thank yous for that at the ceremony but the holier than thou Oscars did give thanks to our military while ignoring that the military members are also the ones being victimized,
filing record numbers of assault claims.
But, hey, hey, hey, we applaud you and we applaud the glorification of war by Steven Spielberg and so many other hacks who, when they could have served, chose not to but, in their old age, glorify combat and war and destruction.
Just when we thought we were already choking on the hypocrisy, there was Gary Oldman winning!
Accused of domestic violence and he won.
Now we're not saying Gary didn't deserve to win. He gave an amazing performance and the award is supposed to be for excellence on screen.
But we mention it because of starlet Greta Gerwig.
You may remember, she slammed Woody Allen because Dylan Farrow claims she was molested by him -- claims that have been tossed aside in two investigations.
But because chubby Dylan says she was molested, Greta won't work with Woody.
There's little doubt that Gary battered his wife.
So imagine our surprise to watch Greta leap forward to grab Gary's hand when he was announced as a winner.
Apparently, Greta has no real ethics -- that was kind of clear when she was talking about being real while dripping in diamonds.
Keep it whore, Greta, keep it whore.
And trust that the media will be right there with you, Greta.
Late in the game, Melissa got called on her sexual longing for Greta and how it allowed her to miss that one of the few living women veteran directors got overlooked for a Let's-all-hate-Russia victory.
So Melissa did that Tweet and we're all supposed to pretend like an honorary Academy Award is the same as a competitive one.
It's not.
Even Melissa knows that.
Hate Russia?
You were in the right place for it.
Hate those damn Commies -- that could have been a theme of the night.
Bryan Fogel won for his stupid and facile documentary attacking Russia.
Doping in sports!
Damn, Russians!
Uhm, golly, we remember Lance Armstrong.
We remember that Lance was doping and threatening people and destroying the lives of people who called him out.
But let's express our outrage at Russia, right?
And that wasn't the worst of it.
Oh, Rita.
How could you?
That's what we puzzled over as Rita Moreno used the night to salute "the great" Frank Capra.
What was so great about him?
That from at least 1947 forward, he was an FBI informant? Ratting out people he suspected of being or having once been members of the Communist Party?
Was that what was so great about Capra?
Or that he pushed for the loyalty oath in the Directors Guild?
These awards are about the arts.
Writers and directors lost work because of Frank Capra. (Ironically, he'd be grey-listed which is somehow fitting after all the people he ratted on lost work.)
Seriously, Rita Moreno, what the hell were you thinking?
Or did you just want to celebrate hate of Russia by taking it all the way back to the witch hunts of the HUAC?
It was embarrassing and stupid.
As embarrassing as Greta saying in a clip, "All the movies I loved were directed by men."
Really, Greta?
You never saw the work of Nancy Savoca (including DOGFIGHT)? Lee Grant (including STAYING TOGETHER)? Barbra Streisand (YENTL, PRINCE OF TIDES, THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES)? Elaine May (THE HEARTBREAK KID, A NEW LEAF, MIKEY AND NICKY)? Ida Lupino (THE TROUBLE WITH ANGELS, OUTRAGE, THE BIGAMIST, etc.)? Jane Campion (THE PIANO, THE PORTRAIT OF A LADY, IN THE CUT, etc.)? Lois Weber (FINE FEATHERS, HOW MEN PROPOSE, WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN?, etc.)? Gillian Armstrong (MRS. SOFFEL, MY BRILLIANT CAREER, LITTLE WOMEN, etc)? Betty Thomas (THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE, DR. DOLITTLE, 28 DAYS, PRIVATE PARTS, etc.)? Kathryn Bigelow (NEAR DARK, POINT BREAK, STRANGE DAYS, DETROIT, ZERO DARK THIRTY, THE HURT LOCKER, etc.). Dorothy Arzner (THE BRIDE WORE RED, CRAIG'S WIFE, CHRISTOPHER STRONG, MERRILY WE GO TO HELL, etc)? Penny Marshall (BIG, AWAKENINGS, RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS, JUMPING JACK FLASH, etc)? Nora Ephron (SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, YOU"VE GOT MAIL, JULIE & JULIA)? Jocelyn Moorhouse (A THOUSAND ACRES, HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN QUILT, THE DRESSMAKER)? Amy Heckerling (CLUELESS, LOOK WHO'S TALKING, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, etc)? Nancy Meyers (THE HOLIDAY, WHAT WOMEN WANT, SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE, IT'S COMPLICATED, PARENT TRAP, etc)? Diane Keaton (UNSTRUNG HEROES, HANGING UP)? Sofia Coppola (THE BLING RING, LOST IN TRANSLATION, SOMEWHERE, THE VIRGIN SUICIDES, THE BEGUILED, etc)? Cheryl Hines (SERIOUS MOONLIGHT)? Ava DuVernay (A WRINKLE IN TIME, SELMA, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE)? Penelope Spheeris (WAYNE'S WORLD, THE LITTLE RASCALS, THE BEVERY HILLBILLIES, THE BOYS NEXT DOOR, etc)? Jodie Foster (THE BEAVER, LITTLE MAN TATE, HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, MONEY MONSTER)? Joan Micklin Silver (CROSSING DELANCY, HESTER STREET, etc)? Mira Nair (MONSOON WEDDING, MISSISSIPPI MASALA, SALAAM BOMBAY, etc)? Kimberly Peirce (STOP-LOSS, CARRIE, BOYS DON'T CRY)? Lisa Cholodenko (THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT, LAUREL CANYON, HIGH ART)? Mimi Leder (DEEP IMPACT, THE PEACEMAKER)? Martha Coolidge (RAMBLING ROSE, VALLEY GIRL, REAL GENIUS, etc)? Karyn Kusama (GIRL FIGHT, JENNIFER'S BODY, AEON FLUX)? Allison Anders (MI VIDA LOCA, GAS FOOD AND LODGING, GRACE OF MY HEART)? Anne Fletcher (THE PROPOSAL, STEP UP, 27 DRESSES, THE GUILT TRIP, etc)? Randa Haines (CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD, DANCE WITH ME, THE DOCTOR, etc)? Gina Prince-Bythewood (THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES, LOVE & BASKETBALL, BEYOND THE LIGHTS, etc.)? Patty Jenkins (MONSTER, WONDER WOMAN)?
Greta was born in 1983. Her formative years include the 90s -- check out the list of women who couldn't make a film Greta enjoyed: Amy Heckerling, Penny Marshall, Jocelyn Moorhouse, Nora Eprhon, Kathryn Bigelow, Barbra Streisand, Nancy Meyers, Diane Keaton, Penelope Spheeris, Jane Campion, Ida Lupino, Gillian Armstrong, Betty Thomas, Lois Weber, Dorothy Arzner, Nancy Savoca, Elaine May, Jodie Foster . . .
How sad and pathetic Greta is.
Women have successfully directed comedy -- sophisticated and low, children's films, musicals, action, sci fi, fantasy, drama and melodrama but not one of those women earned any love from Greta.
Embarrassing included Sarah Silverman stating that "some people, in their hearts, are threatened or they're scared and there's really nothing to be scared of."
Maybe remember that the next time you attack conservatives, Sarah?
Barry Jenkins was babbling about how, women at the film WONDER WOMAN, were in tears and "this is what White men feel like all the time" -- apparently women need action films to be moved? And apparently films like TOMB RAIDER and SALT didn't count?
Barry Jenkins didn't seem to grasp that he was defining the world by his terms and standards, not by women's standards or terms.
He took his male reaction as the norm -- which let him fit in perfectly.
Though Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph killed in their brief moment, the show was again hosted by a man -- as were the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, the Spirit Awards, the Grammys -- pretty much everything in the last six months except The American Music Awards (hosted by
Tracee Ellis Ross).
It was a man: Jimmy Kimmel.
And notice that in the patronizing stunt where Jimmy led a group of actors across the street to a movie audience, he chose one person among the ticket buyers to speak.
One person.
Excuse us, we mean one man.
Of course it was one man because Male and White are the standard and the norm for Jimmy Kimmel.
And tonight again demonstrated it was the standard and the norm for the Academy Awards.
"We're the interpreter of dreams," insisted Mira Sorvino.
You're the interpreter of something. But those aren't dreams, honey, they're nightmares.
