Sunday, February 08, 2015

The World Can Wait (Parody)

Turning a Mass Murderer Into a Pin-Up
by Larry Chip On My Shoulder Bigger Than Mt Everest

American Sniper is wrong for so many reasons.  First of all, the film is directed by Clint Eastwood.  Eastwood the eternal tease.  For years, the man has left me coded messages in his films.  In Dirty Harry, he said to me, "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?'  Well do you, punk?"  And in Sudden Impact, he said to me, "Go ahead, make my day."
Those are but two examples and, in fact the final scene of Pink Cadillac and at least two-thirds of Bronco Billy read like a mash note to me.  So one day, in the late 90s, in Carmel, I mosey up to Mr. Big Movie Star and say, "Let's get to it."  I pop open my belt buckle and reach for his and he's all like, "Son, I think you've got the wrong idea."
Oh, I did.  I thought he was for real and on the up and up.  Turned out he was just another little pud teaser.
Fade in, fade out, or something and it's 2015 and I see the poster for American Sniper and realize he's trying to send me another message.  I could blow him off but if I'm known for anything besides my devilish grin and rank b.o., it's my ability to forgive.  Everyone who knows me will tell you I am generous and kind to a fault.
Imagine my shock when the target wasn't -- even metaphorically -- my butthole.
No, the sniper is aiming at Iraqis.
As an anti-war Communist it is my job to not only call out the illegal war but also to condemn those who participated.  I don't mean people like Barack Obama, the president of the United States, no I'm too much of a coward for that.  But I can and will attack those the government sent into battle.
I think it's important to trash those men and women.  I think it's important to rip those assholes apart.  If I were part of the peace movement -- and not the antiwar movement -- I might feel that the enlisted were used as much -- and, yes, victimized -- as much as anyone else in this country.  If I were part of the peace movement, I might feel that empire is only brought down when citizens and soldiers unite.  If I were part of the peace movement, I might even get laid.
But as a member of the masculinist and misogynistic antiwar movement, I just say I'll take off my Depends and take a dump publicly on any American who served in Iraq.

Comrades Unite!
by Debra Sweet Cheeks

Comrades, hear my clarion call!  Or maybe it should be Claritin call because I have been feeling a little woozy and wheezy.  At any rate, it is time for us to take to the streets yet again in another of my brilliantly thought out protests of Hollywood.
James Franco is turning In Dubious Battle into a film and he is making Selena Gomez a co-star!!!  We know what this will mean: Tits and ass, tits and ass -- and maybe a few shots of Selena naked as well.  Mr. Franco may be very fond of his backside but it has left me indifferent all these many years.
As I thumb through my well-worn copy of the Cliff Notes to In Dubious Battle (I'm far too busy to have ever read the actual novel), I find no reference to Franco's dimpled cheeks, his crack or even a hint of his balls.
Where does this man, this masculinist, this hairy beast get off turning a classic Communist tract into a soft-porn film starring his dewy and supple form?

With that supple body . . .

Oh, hell, I'm calling an affirmation gathering!  Forget protesting In Dubious Battle!  We'll gather to affirm the sex appeal of James Franco.  Trust me, it's the politically smart thing to do.

by Sarah Lazare

The year is 2015, comrades, and we have one person and only one person to blame for all of our current troubles: Bully Boy Bush.
He is the reason for the current problems in Iraq.  He is the reason for The Drone War.  He is the reason the prison on Guantanamo Bay remains open.
Comrades, we must confront power at every turn and that means confronting Bully Boy Bush.
When I speak this truth, sometimes a heckler -- Robert Parry has told me that they must be neocons -- will holler out, "What about Barack Obama?"
Comrades, we must focus.  We must confront empire and the man who heads it.  We must call out Bully Boy Bush.

John McCain's A Mean Old Meanie
by  Ray McNutless

If you missed it, evil cat hater and longterm senator John McCain called Medea Benjamin of CodeStink  "scum."
Who is John McCain to attack poor defenseless Medea like that?
Those of us on the left -- or those of us in the CIA posing and pretending to be on the left -- must yell and scream like holler monkeys because this is beyond the pale.
Yes, Medea has spent years insulting John McCain and ridiculing him but she is a girl and, as such, off limits.  I have always maintained that girls are off limits unless they are rape victims and then I attack them as honey pots.
As a former CIA operative -- well I'm still semi-active -- I know all about honey pots.  September 8, 1962, I invented twerking in Cuba in order to get two rather burly and surly Russians ship workers to let me on board so I could confirm the first consignment of Soviet SS-4 offensive missiles had arrived.  20 minutes of twerking later -- plus a few reminders to the boys not to be so handsy -- and I had completed my mission.
But back to Medea, she's been called "scum" and that's a crime against humanity and femininity.  As a nutless apologist for George H.W. Bush, I am very concerned about femininity

[James Franco photos from his Instagram account.]

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