Sunday, December 08, 2013

The Week In Funny


Vice President Joe Biden this week visited China and urged young students there to challenge their government, teachers and religious leaders.  Then his punk band finished the rest of their set.
-- Cecily Strong, Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live (Saturdays, NBC)

Marty: Hey! This is my old little league mitt. I remember the day my dad gave me this. He said, "Here you go, moron. Maybe this glove will help your game.  Because right now I can't tell if you're playing the outfield or coming out of the closet."
-- Marty (Lenny Venito) has a family memory that starts off nice, The Neighbors (Fridays, ABC).

Zach:  It's go time.  How's my hair?

Lauren: Perfectly tousled.  

Andrew:  Why so anxious?  You date models all the time

Zach:  From the Sears catalogue!  These are Victoria's Secret models.  There's a difference.

Andrew:  There's no difference.  They're human coat hangers.  They're mannequins who can vote.

Zach:  Hey, you watch your mouth.  Models are people too.  Don't mock them just because they're beautiful.  In fact, this is why I date models: To fight this kind of prejudice. 

Andrew:  You are so brave.
-- Zach (James Wolk), Lauren (Amanda Setton) and Andrew (Hamish Linklater) prepare for the arrival of Victoria's Secret models on The Crazy Ones (Thursdays, CBS).

Caroline:  And time!  37 minutes! We got from the apartment to the subway to the pastry school in record time!  I mean, I'm not wearing a bra and my thong may be on backwards. 

Max:  There's no wrong way to wear a thong as long as it's uncomfortable. And with you the bra is just for decoration.  I have to wear one because you get a ticket for not putting the kids in a car seat.
-- Caroline (Beth Behrs) and Max (Kat Dennings) rush through NYC, 2 Broke Girls (Mondays, CBS).

Bonnie:  I say we start shopping for wigs today.

Marjorie:  I don't think so.

Bonnie:  You sure?  Curly blond hair and gummy bear double-Ds, you might even get laid.  By a man.

Christy:  Mom, ease up.

Bonnie: I'm sorry.  I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Marjorie:  What are gummy bear breasts.

Bonnie:  The latest in implants.  Like a memory foam mattress with nipples

Sexy Doctor Huss:  Hi, Marjorie, ready to start your treatment?

Bonnie:  Yes, we are!

Christy:  I'm ready too!

Bonnie:  C'mon, I'm her best friend.

Christy:  So am I.

Marjorie:  What do I need new boobs for?  I have you two.
-- Christy (Anna Faris) and Bonnie (Allison Janney) go with Marjorie (Mimi Kennedy) to her chemo treatment and encounter sexy Dr. Huss (Peter Porte), Mom, (Mondays, CBS).

Maddie:  So you managed to raise a child.  How did you do it?

Thelma: Well I had to accept that once my daughter came along I wasn't the center of the universe anymore.

Maddie:  Well obviously that isn't going to work for me!

Maddie and Thelma walk into her living room which is filled with Maddie's son's belongings. 

Maddie:  Uh!  He's here.  And he isn't going away.  He's like these last five pounds.  Shut up!
-- Maddie (Kirstie Alley) and Thelma (Rhea Perlman) address parenting on Kirstie, (TV Land, Wednesday nights).

Burt:  I guess Hope's been going into their bed at night.  So I brought her here so Jimmy could go home and take a nap.

Virginia:  Hope's been sleeping in their bed?  That's got to put a real damper on the old s-e . . . [Pointing to Hope] Can she spell yet?

Burt:  Uh, I don't know.  Better safe than sorry. Look!  [Tosses pennies across the room.] Pennies!

Hope: [Chasing] Pennies!

Virginia:  They're not having sex.  Trouble in the bedroom is the number one sign for divorce -- according to Oprah's O magazine by Oprah.

Burt:  Divorce?  You really think it could be that serious?

Virginia:  If they're sleeping with the baby in the room, it's only a matter of time before Jimmy's just another loser divorcee who's picking up women at the ice cream parlor next to the fat lady's gym.

Burt:  Oh, we can't have that.  We've worked too hard to get Sabrina to believe that Jimmy's the best she can do.

Maw Maw:  I'll tell you how you fix it, you keep the sex poison here as long as you can.

Virginia:  Sex poison?

Maw Maw:  That's what I call children.
-- Virginia (Martha Plimpton), Burt (Garret Dillahunt) and Maw Maw (Cloris Leachman) discuss the problem with Hope (Baylie and Rylie Cregut) on Raising Hope (Fridays, Fox).

Marty: Deb, what's happening?

Debbie:  Well I think this is what it's like when you have good parents.  Or at least one's who are sober.
-- Marty (Lenny Venito) and Debbie (Jami Gertz) are surprised by Jackie Joyner Kersee's parents (Meredith Baxter and Reginald VelJohnson), The Neighbors (Fridays, ABC).

Sophie:  Hey, Caroline, I got your nanny death text so I'm wearing black out of respect. And, also, I got my period. 

Caroline: Thanks, Sophe, that's lovely.

Max: It is?  Which part?

Sophie:  You know, back in Poland, when my nanny died, I was so heartbroken I could barely eat her.

Caroline:  You ate your dead nanny?

Sophie:  Well a goat's a goat.  Doesn't matter what you name it, it's still good goat meat!  Alright, I'll be in my booth.  I'm going to order a tuna melt and three Midol, please.
--  2 Broke Girls deal with the death of Caroline's nanny as Sophie (Jennifer Coolidge) remembers her own nanny (Mondays, CBS).

Simon: So you want me to go to lunch but only if I act -- what was that distasteful word you used?

Gordon:  Normal. Look, these are traditional clients and you're a little too colorful for their tastes -- like that ridiculous tie.

Simon:  I love this tie.  And my colorfulness is what brings everyone to this agency.

Gordon:  Not everyone, okay, because 30% of our client base prefers things boring and safe.

Simon:  If these pie people want us to change who we are then we don't want them

Gordon:  Yes, we do because they're about to go national. Listen, I've been out loud and proud ever since I was on the Radical Fairy float in the Gay Pride Parade but when Timothy texted me during that pitch?  Well I just played it off like he was my wife because you do what you have to do to land the client.

Sydney:  I believe you referred to him as "the old ball and chain," liar.

Gordon: Actually, that is not a lie.  Balls and chains have been involved. 
-- Simon (Robin Williams), Sydney (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Gordon (Brad) discuss how to run an ad agency in The Crazy Ones (Thursdays, CBS).

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