There is a food chain, the commercials told us. We learned that there were only three stars who matter in America: Amy Poehler, Kaley Cuoco and Dwayne Johnson. The three pitched Best Buy, Toyota and milk.
Of the three, Dwayne Hickman, aka The Rock, was clearly the most powerful.
He pitched milk in one commercial and a film in the other (Fast and Furious 6: This Time Brian Tops Dom!).
A food chain includes those at the top and, yes, those at the bottom.
So we also saw failed celebrities. For example, if you're biggest problem as a car maker is trying to make your car 'hip' and 'cool,' then someone from the 1800s probably isn't your best celeb to go with . . .
even if he does share the same name as your car.
That just made them look silly. If Amy, Kaley and Dwayne were 'fresh,' there was no 'buzz' around Honest Abe. And the point of the night was that celebrities fade quickly and spiral down the food chain.
Jeep made that life lesson clear with what was the worst commercial of the game.
It wasn't just that it was wordy but it was wordy.
Over a lot of images of men in the military and a token woman or two, you get the following voice over.
There will be a seat left open, a light left on, a favorite dinner waiting, a warm bed made. There will be walks to take, swings to push and baths to give On your block, at the school, in your church. Because in your home, in our hearts, you've been missed. You've been needed. You've been cried for, prayed for. You've been the reason we push on. Half the battle is just knowing, this is half the battle because when you're home, we're more than a family -- we are a nation that is whole again.
Oprah does the voice over.
"You've been the reason we push on"? So now she's blaming the military for her decision to self-start the epic failure that is OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network)?
The problem isn't just that the woman whose own pocketbook goes to a scandal plagued 'girls school' in Africa probably isn't the best voice for America. Nor is the problem just that she sounded throughout as if she'd recorded her voice over on the toilet while trying to force a dump. It also includes more than the fact that who is this woman who has turned on her own relatives and started no family of her own (unless she's getting honest about her and Gayle) to talk about family?
But mainly the problem is that with over 8,000 US service members killed in the Iraq and Afghanistan War, not to mention all the wounded a War Whore named Oprah really isn't the one to do that voice over. March 1, 2009, we revisited the War Whore named Oprah:
Or has everyone forgotten that Oprah used her trashy show to pimp the Iraq War?
Has everyone forgotten how a woman in the audience called the garbage out and Oprah got curt and nasty?
There was Oprah -- in the only moment of TV she should be remembered for -- getting all mean and nasty, that fat neck tensing up, as she let the little peon know that Oprah knows what's what and so do her guests, thank you very much, now shut up and let Judith Miller provide us with more 'facts.'
That's right, Oprah pimped the war, she even brought on Judith Miller to do so.
Oprah rallied her audience of shut-ins to the Bully Boy and to cheer on the Iraq War.
Oprah was part of the media roll out of the illegal war and using that cheap, lying closet case to deliver a 'message of hope' for the troops was insulting.
It was also surprising because Oprah's influence -- as everyone knew would happen -- plummeted the moment she was no longer available on free TV.
So the use of the tired and haggard Not-So-Big-Anymore-Except-Around-The-Waistline O was shocking.
So was Calvin Klein's Concept 2013 which appeared to be about little more than jutting nipples on men, a man in various poses to give him 'jugs,' in other words Calvin's own eternal dilemma: The significant other must have a penis but Calvin's own personal issues (internal homophobia) means he sees the man as a woman.
While Calvin and Oprah demonstrated how quickly the mighty can tumble down the food chain, another food battle was at the heart of the rest of the commercials.
America is said to be the land of the plentiful but we, the commercials informed, have a scarce resources issues. Now don't panic, there is no oil crisis as evidenced by the fact that only Lincoln MKZ appeared aware of the need for "smaller [energy] footprints."
But there is an apparently more dangerous resource scarcity on the horizon: Junk Food.
The self-proclaimed "global leader in the beverage industry," Coca-Cola, attempts to prepare us for the coming Junk Food Wars, where various groups of people will compete over scarce bottles of the once plentiful and inescapable bottle of coke.
So their ad pitted four groups against one another. The battle for thirst kicked off as 4 people with camels (3 ride, one is on foot) see a giant Coke bottle in the desert, a multi-ethnic group of six cowboys (five men and one woman) ride up and then see it as, over the hill, four rowdys from a bus-and-truck company of The Road Warrior appear and head for the Coke bottle -- but, wait, look, it's a bus of Atlantic City showgirls armed with a glitter cannon!
Who will reach the prize first?
Sadly, it's a cardboard display announcing Coke is "50 MILES AHEAD."
The Junk Food Wars have begun. Someone call Rick Deckard or at least Tank Girl.
A world apparently so shaken by dwindling supplies of Junk Food is left with little to do but fight in public over unseen cookies.
That's the point of the Oreo 'whisper fight' which takes place in a library as sides are chosen in the eternal cookie or cream debate. The Junk Food Wars, no doubt, is behind the decision of adult males gathered to play football to instead cross-dress and play princess . . .
. . . all for a handful of Doritos a crafty little girl managed to stash away in her bedroom.
Another Doritos found wild animals -- or at least a farm animal -- descending upon the bedroom of a man who had stockpiled bags of Doritos.
Of course, there will be resisters in the Junk Food Wars and M&Ms ran a commercial that was apparently co-sponsored by PETA.
Throughout the commercial, an M&M makes it clear that being cooked and eaten does not change the fact that M&Ms have feelings too.
Are you prepared for this bleak future?
This future where, Redd's Apple Ale informs you, non-junk food will attack people, hitting them upside the face?
If you're not, don't despair, shop!
Sketchers will give you the ability to outrun anything, even cheetahs and panthers, regardless of whether you're in peak form or kind of average like the man in the commercial.
You'll need those Sketchers because in this future where Junk Food is Scarce, the elderly will take to making midnight runs to Taco Bell.
To come out a winner in the Junk Food Wars, like the elderly, you will need to plan for your future now.
Fortunately, Prudential is there.
