Sunday, June 17, 2012

Columbia Journalism Ridiculous


Strongly Partisan, Weak Watchdoggy

by Greg Maxie
Surely, the biggest journalism story of the week is when a reporter for The Daily Caller interrupted our sainted Barack Obama as Dear Leader was delivering a speech.  I don't really mention the reporter's name, do I?  That's because I'm obsessed with Tucker Carlson and would rather make this all about him.  
Some might wonder about how this is a watchdog matter?
Here at CJR, we pride ourselves on decorum.  Why when Victor Navasky lets one of his smelly, old man farts rip, we always light a vanilla candle because that screams class.

by Erickya Fry Daddy
Earlier this week, I wrote about e-mails of a superintendent and pretended like this was huge news.  Now because some reader is insisting I cover the e-mails that one time journalist Gina Chon sent to Bush official Brett McGurk, I guess I have to.  But if you ask me, dealing with my smegma problem was more fun.
So Gina Chon was in Baghdad in 2008 and working for The Wall St. Journal and Brett McGurk was there working for the Bush administration.  And Gina wanted some tips and leaks and we ARE talking penises!  Gina tapped that ass.  Go, girl!!!
Tap it, tap it, tap it!  I would love to tap some ass.  In fact, ever since I read All Women Stalk's "Men To Lust After . . .," I've thought of little else.  And then I heard Lindsay Lohan was making some film with a real-life porn star and I thought, "Hot damn! Male full frontal! Coming to my multi-plex!  Coming for to carry me home! Amen!"  The "amen" because I'm real religious.
Well semi.
Okay, not at all.  But don't tell my mom.  
So I type in "big cock" and "porn star" and the results come back Conner Habib.
conner habib
And I'm all, "Oh, yeah, Mama likes!  Mama likes a lot!" 
But that "Habib."  It is Muslim?  
I'm not religious but Mom thinks I am and I can probably hide the fact that Conner's a porn star when I take him home -- and if I can't hide it, well, Mom, now we know you've been watching!  But how the heck do I hide "Habib"? 
So I go to Wikipedia which is like so much more valuable than the six years I spent as an undergraduate and I find out that "Habib" means "sweetheart" which is kind of cute and romantic.  But then I see that it also means "beloved" which has me thinking about how Oprah tells Beloved, "Baby, I ain't never going to let you go."  But Beloved just wants to know, "Why we don't have any pie no more!" And Beloved starts tearing up the room and I never got that movie at all.  Or why there wasn't any pie or why they don't sell pie at the movie concession stands.  They sell hot dogs.  And nachos.  Surely they could sell a slice or two of pie.  
So that's just confusing me but then I see that, yep, "Habib" is Arabic.
How I'm going to take Conner home now?
But then I'm looking at the pictures of Conner and that's not a corny dog in his mouth! 
He's a gay porn star.  I couldn't belive it.
So I went to YouTube and streamed five or twelve sex videos of him to make sure and, yep, that's what he was.  Like Lonnie.  Well, Lonnie was gay.  Not a porn star. 
And he was my prom date.  
And I mean, I was willing to play the beard but I wasn't willing to be the hag, if you get what I'm saying.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.  So Gina sleeps with Brett and lets him read her copy before she turns it in and he's her source and that's breaking every known rule of journalism.  And they don't tell their bosses because Gina and Brett are considerate and they don't want other people to have to worry about them.  And what thanks do they get?
Gina's out of a job.  The Wall St. Journal fired her this week!  For love!
Fired for love!
I swear,, I haven't cried so much since Paris Hilton did her slow fade into obscurity.
So the lesson here is . . .   
When you search for male porn stars put in "NOT GAY."  
Unless you're gay.  
Or bi.  
Or get turned on by seeing two guys together even though you're a gal.  
Some women like that.  
Not me.  
But some women do.  
I mean, maybe if it's like Luke Perry and Jason Priestly and they're at the Peach Pit, I wouldn't turn it off.  You know, like Jason's closing up the Peach Pit late at night and Luke comes running over all, "Brandon, Brandon! I had a bad dream! Nate was hurt! Is everyone okay?"  And Jason's all, "Dylan, yeah, everyone's fine except my t-shirt which has a big tear in it, let me remove it."  "Oh, okay Brandon, but let me take my shirt off as well.  And my pants too!"  And Jason's like, "Yeah, you bad Daddy, you take off those pants and then you forget about the Peach Pit and get to washing my furry pits with your tongue, bad Daddy!"  I mean if something like that showed up, I'd view it at least once.  Maybe twice.

by Greg Maxi
I'm late to this, but The Washington Post's Crystal Ball had a sharp piece the other day about the election and who might win it.  I know it's hard to handicap so I'll just go with Donna Brazile because she's cooking with grease and on MSNBC all the time.  I hope she's right about Bush getting 48% of the vote and Kerry 51%. I feel really out of it because I didn't even know John Kerry was running again.  But I guess that's why Donna's a Democratic Party operative and I'm just a lowly blogger for CJR and have to assist Victor Navasky in farting after lunch.  (I press down on his belly and he lets them rip.  If I forget, there's a good chance that he could hold it in and it would build up until it threatened to blow out the eastern seaboard.)

by Erickya Fry Daddy
"Why you leave me?"  That's what Beloved asks Oprah.  They're showing it on cable this month so it's been on my mind.  But it really works here.  Why you leave me?
Courtney Cox has responded to David Arquette's petition for divorce with one of her own and we know it's for reals because she's "Courtney Cox" now and no longer "Courtney Cox Arquette."
If I got married, I don't think I would add his name to mine or change my name to his.  Not because I'm a feminist.  (You know CJR doesn't hire feminists.  Or women who refuse to be doormats.)  But because I figure any man I could land would be such a loser that I wouldn't want to advertise that we were together, you know?
I mean, I could see calling myself Erickya Fry Daddy Pattison or Erickya Fry Daddy Lautner but I'd never get those guys and not just because they'll probably end up together.
I've had two dates my whole life.  Three if you count a doctor's visit where I was in the stirrups as "Afternoon Delight" played on the PA.  I count that one.
But three dates doesn't make me an expert on love.  Which means I'm the perfect one at CJR to write about it.  Like Victor always says, "We need gas bags, not experts!  Respect the gas! Release the gas!" Then Victor sits on a whoopi cushion.  I hope that's a whoopi cushion.
I don't know why Courtney Cox would leave David Arquette.  But I'm not really sure why she would marry him either.  I mean, did he have a big organ or could he go for hours?
If so, I could totally understand that. 
But he just seemed funny.  And didn't she already have Chandler for that?
You know what would have been a really good Friends episode?  That one where Joey and Ross start napping together.  If like things had gotten sexual.
But it didn't.  
Except in my slash fiction.  I'm on chapter 42 of "Joey Takes Ross."  Each chapter is at least 14K.  Sometimes I'll be pretending to write something for CJR here in the office but really be working on my slash fiction.  Once I got so aroused, I had to drop to the floor and 'release' if you know what I mean.
Not really.  But if Victor ever checks my work I need that in there.  "I said I was joking.  Didn't you read it all?"  
So Courtney and David are splitting up.  And Cougar Town's going to TBS.  I guess nothing lasts forever.  Things fade and get forgotten.  Things like love and people.
Hey, do you think Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray would still be around today if he hadn't kept telling Rolling Stone he had a small penis?  I wonder about that too.  It's like the most important journalistical issue of the day if you ask me and my good buds here at CJR!

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