Sunday, January 11, 2009

The New Ms. magazine! (Parody)

Ms. Pathetic

Our hot, hot cover will have all the girls in your steno pool seeing red as you walk into the office flashing the latest issue! Hot-hot-hot Barack removing clothes! It's enough to make any and every woman think she's having a heat flash! We got very lucky with this issue because our first choice for the face of today's feminism, Frank Hart, told us he was too busy working on a new musical set to hit Broadway later this year. At which point, we thought of Barack. He called us all sweeties, pinched our fannies and suggested if it would get us home sooner so we could get busy fixing our husbands' dinner, he'd do it. What a prince!!!!!

-- Michie Kort, Head Girl in Charge . . . Until A Man Walks In The Room

Saying Yes To Get What You Want: Empowering Your Way Into A New Mink Stole

by Robin Gurley Morgan

Empowerment doesn't have to be a 100% thing. That can be taxing. It's so much easier to be empowered on your terms. And if you're really smart, like I or my friend Dorothy Shaw, you'll quickly grasp that putting out should be done on an installment plan. You give a little, he gives a little.

And if you play it just right, you end up with a lovely mink stole. No, it can't tell you "I love you." But it's dead. So it has an excuse. And it looks so lovely around your shoulders. Remember gals, Fur Is Murder . . . on the pocketbook. That's where a gentleman caller can really come in handy.

For 10 Seconds I Thought I Was A Lesbian, Then I Realilzed I Was Just Ugly

by Donna Brazile

Sometimes when I'm down on the swamp back home, I'd get to thinking, "Now Donna Brazile, I don't want to shock you,, but child, I think you one of those lesbians." And I would immediately shoot back, "No, I'm not." Then I would point out how I haven't had a date with a man in . . . well never. Then I would raise my voice and tell myself I didn't appreciate being spied upon!

Pretty soon I was yelling at myself and cursing myself and my mama was running out on the front porch hollering, "Donna, get your ass inside the house. The neighbors already think you're plumb loco and all the kids in the neighborhood run from you like you're Michael Jackson." And I'd say, "I'll come in when I've finished my discussion, Mama." And so I'd be trying to wrap up real quick and, I gotta tell you, that ain't easy because, this may surprise you, but I've learned that I fight dirty. I'd just make up any old lie and shout it at myself.

But after another hour or so, it hit me like all the ugly sticks on a tree I was shimmying up but ended up falling down: Donna Brazile, I said, you is ugly. You is the ugliest thing I ever did see. You're fat. You've got bad skin. Even Al Sharpton wouldn't want your hair.

And that's when it hit me: I'm no lesbian, I'm just ugly.

I started thanking Jesus right then and there because I know all lesbians go to hell. That's what my preacher used to say and Mama would slap me on the knee and say, "Donna, you pay attention to that. Donna, you especially pay attention to that."

So now when I get into arguments with myself and I start accusing myself of being a lesbian, I just shoot back, "Hell no, Donna Brazile's just ugly. She's just about the ugliest woman you ever did see. In fact, there are animals in the zoo that look prettier than Donna Brazile!" And that always makes me feel better. Like I did back when I was a teenager and I'd study the photos of Janet Jackson in Right On!

He Won't Sleep On The Wet Spot, What Do You Do?

by Michie Kort

It is one of the oldest dilemmas in human civilization. I bet if we were to look at those funny drawings on cave walls, we'd find that ancient cave men, after they tossed a woman over their shoulders and rode their dinosaurs home, would argue with their women about who was sleeping in the wet spot that night.

Instead of making it a big hassle, just sleep in it.

It can be a real thrill if you think about it. All night long, the small of your back will have the dampness and you can tell yourself, "There it is, the proof that he loves me. He won't say the words and I know that's because he's just scared to share his emotions. But right now, if I press my back into the mattress, I can feel his squishy and total love."

It can be such a blessing that I can get lost in it and not hear him leave at 4:30 in the morning. At other times, when I'm paying attention, I'll grab his right leg and beg him to stay long enough for me to make him breakfast and maybe iron his clothes.

The Purpose Driven Life: Making His Dreams Your Own

guest column by New Face Of Feminism runner-up Rick Warren

A strong woman is a woman who knows how to be meek, a woman who knows how to shut up and, most of all, a woman whose jaw can take a solid upper-cut.

Time and again, I hear from girls today that they just can't meet any men when, in fact, the reality is that they just couldn't keep the men they met.

Remember, ladies, divorce is the two-way street, marriage is a dead-end one.

And if you want to land a man before your chances to be fruitful and multiply dry up completely, you better learn to give a little.

Maybe that means accepting the fact that he's got a little hair on his lower back, or that he's unemployed, or that he likes to drink, or that he's got seven kids by five mothers already. But if you can learn not to try to change him and to accept him for who he is, you can find happiness or at least a husband.

Submit rhymes government. Well if you say it 'gov-ment' it does. And like government, someone needs to be a ruler and someone needs to be the ruled. Submit also rhymes with Thin Mints and those are my favorite Girl Scout Cookies. What was I saying?

Closing Thoughts From An Empty Mind . . .

by Michie Kort

Wow. Huh? Huh? Do you like our new direction? And how about that Rick Warren? Hubba-hubba, am I right? I haven't been this excited since I begged for help on my Laura Nyro book and just copied and pasted everything people gave me, word for word, into the text and called it all my writing.

I hope you enjoy our new direction as much as I do. We're already hard at work on the next issue and our cover story will probably be, "Don't Let It Make Those Brown Eyes Blue: Domestic Abuse Can Provide You With Ample Opportunities To Wear Ray-Bans Indoors!" Rick Warren really likes that idea and told me that I looked like a girl who needed a good sluggin'. He such a stud, isn't he?

Be sure to check out our new corporate sponsor: Mary Jane. Like the new Ms. magazine, its name promises so much but then just turns out to be tired candy.


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