Sunday, April 03, 2005

CJW Daily from Corporate Journalism Whores (parody for your laughing pleasure)

CJW DAILY Non-reality based media chatter from the Corporate Journalism Whores
The Water Cooler April 3, 2005

Where we interview someone you've never heard of. For good reason as it turns out.
Mel Smith is a gray haired, gray man with gray personality. Watch the sparks ... sputter.

Swoosie: Mel Smith, you are one of my oldest heroes! Truly, you are like 97! What did you think about the Dan Rather firing and what it says about the state of the media today?

MS: They fired Danny?

Swoosie Q: Wow! Insight! Eason Jordan recently stepped down from CNN. As an industry veteran, what were you thoughts on that?

MS: Who?

Swoosie Q: Amazing! And pertinent.

-- Swoosie Q

posted 04/03/05
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Bueno, El Feo Y El Malo April 2, 2005

On the heels of a so-so news week, big news comes trumpeting out of The Times. The bestest and most amazingest article on the story of our time pops up in this morning's New York Times. Kiddies, take off your pajamas (unless they're footy pajamas like I'm wearing), get dressed, and feast your eyes on Charlie LeDuff's "Star's Accuser Had Troubles In Home Life, Witness Says."

LeDuff has turned in an article that is [Fill in generic bromide] .

Close your eyes and make a wish and click your heels three times while saying "I wish I was a real boy" and see if you can't feel liberal hearts breaking across the country!

Though amazing, LeDuff's article is matched by [trot out Washington Post story so we don't piss that potential future employer off]. And of course, it reminds me of the strong reporting in People as well!

Amazing stuff. We sure do like bringing you good news. But it's not easy. We feel like the Spirit Bunnies in Fast Times at Ridgemont High sometimes. Somebody hire us for a real job!

-- Brock Jones (resume posted online, hint, hint)

Posted 04/02/05 at 6:15 pm
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I was a geek who never played sports

In The Times, Joe Drape brings up memories of musky locker rooms and coaches who taught health and algebra while cupping their groins. Drape is a FABULOUS writer who perfectly captures the nature and spirit of every coach that has ever lived on this crazy globe that some of you kiddies might call a ball but it is a globe. Read "As the Curtain Goes Up, the Players Are Not the Thing" and see if you too aren't recalling how the coach who taught algebra used to cheer you on when you were at the blackboard with, "Girlie-boy, is that a home perm? He-he-he. Damn boy, can't you do anything right! X=3! X=3! Oh sit down, you cry baby wuss!"

Equally important and amazing journalism and must read to stay informed of the world around you and setting new standards for journalism is Tyler Kepner's "Tightness for Brown as Yankees Head North" which details the decision by forty-year-old Kevin Brown to remove himself from a game. Read it and see if relief doesn't wash over you the same way it did when you were a freshman sobbing in a stall in the men's room with your hair damp from a fresh toilet dunking as you slowly realized that stupid, sorry, butt face Gerry was a senior and since it was the last day of school, you'd never have to see him again!

And don't miss Lee Jenkins' most excellent article that really drives it home. It's called "The Mets Are Starting to Reflect Randolph's Aggressive Approach." It's a universal article that everyone will relate to. As you read about loose cannon Willie Randolph you will no doubt remember when Howie Steel told you the football team really wanted you to be their
equipment manager and you went skipping into the locker room all excited, so excited a little
bit of pee pee slipped out and stained the front of your tighty-whities. Grinning up at Howie Steel, you were shocked when he ripped off your candy necklace. See if you don't remember
how you felt when they shoved you, nose first, into the cart containing their dirty jock straps while they gave you a nuclear wedgie.

God I love the sports pages! Reminds me of when I was almost on a team! "And girls whose names were never called while choosing sides for volleyball . . ." Huh! What the crap was

-- Candy Perfume Boy

Posted 04/02/05 4:59 pm
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Three Months Later and Still No Boners!

Which is more true, Playgirl or Mandate?

Sure the models in Playgirl are cuter. But they don't sport wood. Why is that? How is it realistic? At CJW we probe the important question. Maybe really cute guys don't get boners when they're photographed naked?

To figure it out, I attempted to get a blogger who has a hottie photo I've mentioned before to pose nude. He wouldn't. Doesn't a clusterfuck count for anything anymore?

So I drove out to a Wal-Mart in the suburbs and stepped into a photo booth, pulled the curtain and got naked. My nips got all pointy and, right away, the Major was saluting.

Maybe it was just the thrill of knowing anyone could peep over the curtain. But I really think that really cute boys will sport dancing dogs when they're photos are taken. I didn't even have anyone cooing, "You're beautiful." So I had to say that to myself. I also gave myself orders to chew on my candy necklace. I was awesome, wicked hot!

For kicks, I've posted the photos at my own personal website. I'm such a Gannon/Guckert!
So take it from me, you're spending your money better if you buy Mandate. Sure the models are less cute, but they're real with real woodies.

-- Candy Perfume Boy

posted 04/02/05 at 4:42 pm
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Covering the Clusterfucks and a Token Conservative

Name check, name check, name check. The blogs are in an uproar over what CBS alumni Wilson Cronkite had to say about Dan Rather. Name check, name check, name check.

Now that I've covered all Candy Perfume Boy's clusterfuck buddies, they let me write about what I want to write about so let me direct you to Rebel Grand Dragon who weighs in that Wilson Cronkite was never good on CBS's Nightly News and that rumors have it Wilson Cronkite is really a "high yellow." Groundbreaking stuff:

Cronkite has always struck me as high yellow. When I was sitting
on grand pappy's knee, he told me Cronkite was probably high
yellow. I've never forgotten that.

Wow! Huh? Huh? I've written about Rebel Grand Dragon three days in a row because he has something of interest to say. That's my standard! It's about diversity and finding new sources and then running with the same one new blog over and over because I'm slightly hung over and have a life that's really not working out quite the way I'd hoped.

We have vastly expanded our blog coverage since those copycats at Slate started doing blog reports and since those meanies at The Third Estate Sunday Review exposed our clusterfuck. That means I now pick a conservative blogger to write about in addition to clusterfucks. Check the time stamp on this post. It's past three o'clock! And I'm writing about the morning blogs!

You know what that means, I've spent an hour online. Twenty minutes reading the blogs Candy Perfume Boy bookmarks for me, ten minutes posting my resume and reading online classifieds, five minutes checking my account balance, and twenty-five minutes trying to track down that dancing baby from Ally McBeal. Has anyone seen the dancing baby lately? I miss the dancing baby. I feel like I'm kind of like Ally McBeal because I think I'm cute when I don't make sense. If you think I'm full of b.s. you can find something else to read or track down the dancing baby!

Where's the dancing baby? I must find the dancing baby. Once, at senior prom, this guy told me I looked like Calista Flockhart. Okay, he said Camryn Manheim. But that's close. They both worked on David E. Kelley shows and they both played attornies.

Where's that dancing baby?

-- Swoosie Q.

posted 04/02/05 at 3:31 pm
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Correction: This post has been corrected when Swoosie realized that Wilson Cronkite did not host CBS's Good Morning America.


News Magazines scratching their heads find religion

Let me start by plugging The New Republic where I used to work as contract labor but not as a salaried employ so it's not really important that I ever tell readers that I'm usually highlighting the magazines that have published my work. (In the past, but fingers crossed, the future too, baby! Daddy needs some new capris!)

In the brave voice that no one but The New Republic (and any other magazines that have published me) has, The New Republic deals with all the important issues this week. Each and every one. They don't miss a thing at that magazine. They are the best. Hands down. The bestest of the bestest. I HEART THE NEW REPUBLIC. Their current ads on Air America say they are a lefyt magazine so, even though Uncle Marty's been shooting down that idea for

years, I better get my game on and call them a lefty magazine too or they'll start blaming me
for circulation being flat for the umpteenth year in a row!

Hey, Michelle Cotts, I watched Rambo for the 80 millionth time this weekend! I got the war lust! Just like The New Republic, I can support any and every war! I don't even know who the contras were but if you supported them, me too! Freelance out to me! (Daddy needs a new pair of clogs!)

Newsweek runs a cover story on the Pope.

Time does too!

US has Nick & Jessica! She could call me "Pope," but I bet she'd call me "Big Daddy!" Do you think Nick wears candy necklaces? I bet that's why she fell for him. My six-year-old sister tells me candy necklaces are way cool and bitchin' too.

People has Nick & Jessica too. US says they're breaking up, People says they're back

together. It's a tsunami, I tell you! Kids, when US and People conflict, do what I do, reach
for The National Enquirer. It says Jessica is an alien and that Nick is really aging
character actress Estelle Parsons!

Oh my God! Barkeep, a drink! And a bar stool with guard rails!

Now we turn to The Weekly Standard and William Kristol. Why? Well obviously we need to endorse the view that Time and Newsweek and even US (it's a weekly now, praise God!) are lefty mags. Don't you know that? Where have you been? Don't you get Fox News? Don't you watch? I bet Britt Hume would wear a candy necklace. It takes a real man to wear a candy necklace. And Fox News says that the media is liberal so when we cover the mainstream media, we damn well better go from Time, Newsweek, US and People over to The Weekly Standard

or we wouldn't be just as guilty as perpetuating the lie as Fox News. Hey, they shouldn't be the only one with the press's blood on their hands! We just spit out conventional wisdom here, folks. You want deep thoughts, check out Jack Handy!

So William Kristol is writing something about something and saying something about us needing to do something. I'm too busy thinking about him getting hit in the face with a pie and besides I know that The New Republic will run the same story next week and I want it to be fresh.

If I ever go around speaking to college audiences, I hope they throw candy necklaces. I always end up eating mine and sometimes my kid sister won't share her necklaces with me. It's embarrassing to go up to the counter with a candy necklace. The clerks look at me funny. So lately, I've been grabbing Pepto Bismol, Teen People & tampons and saying, with a heavy sigh, "They're for the little lady."

Wait, is it time for us to mention The Nation? We got our asses ragged out for not mentioning it for over a year. We don't like it because we've never been published there. And it's so lefty. And like Swoosie says, "No glossy cover! I wouldn't even read Glamor if it didn't have a glossy cover!" I feel the same way about Sassy.

But The Nation outsells The Weekly Standard and The New Republic. So to stop all those damn lefty radicals from e-mailing complaints -- hey, if they don't like it, they should go somewhere else, we write about what we want to write about -- we mention The Nation about once a month. For now.

As soon as the heat's off, we'll go back to ignoring it the same way we do The Progresive, In These Times and all the rest. So right now, we pick a column to mention in the Blog Report once a month. Do you think anyone's noticed that we never report on the reporting in The Nation? That we just choose a column that fits into our water-cooler-conventional-wisdom world so we don't have to do much thinking?

Christian Parenti? If we start including him, what's next? Including Dahr Jamail in our blog report? Shudder! Next we might have to mention the largest independent media collaboration in the country, Democracy Now! -- we sure as hell don't want to do that. We're in this to kiss ass and leave CJW with a cushy post at places that pay a lot of money so we kiss corporate ass. (Daddy needs a new belly shirt!)

-- Candy Perfume Boy

Posted 04/02/05 at 2:59 pm
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