Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Jill Abramson to release 10 more books

Jill Abramson has been busy promoting her new book MERCHANTS OF TRUTH and even busier defending it as a result of her plagiarism.

  1. I've long admired Jill Abramson, but the definition of plagiarism she gives here is a...looser one than has been true at the publications I've worked at, and I think it shows less generosity in citation than is appropriate.

Never one to pass up an opportunity or an easy buck, the failed executive-editor of THE NEW YORK TIMES has decided to use this media moment to promote ten new books.  Yes, ten!  Jill explains she's been very, very busy and has diversified.  "All these great ideas just came to me," Jill exclaimed.  "It's been a very fertile time for me."

All ten books will be released this Friday.

1)  Jill Abramson's A TALE OF TWO CITIES.  Explains Jill, "I was doing adderall and wine coolers when this line just came to me: 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'  Heavy, right?  So I just dashed this one off on a drug induced high."

2) Jill Abramson's 50 SHADES OF GREY.  "I like a little kink as much as the next freak -- and twice on Saturdays," boasted Jill.  "Honestly, the Abu Ghraib coverage left me damp, if you know what I mean.  Here I picture myself the sexual plaything of a wealthy man.  This is not a book you show to your mother!"

3) Jill Abramson's THE FIRM.  Insisting that she's always had a strong interest in the law, Jill says this thriller came to her "during a particularly long and frustrating dump on the toilet.  I was just about to flush when the image of this young lawyer Mitch came to me and I thought how he could be corrupted by working for a crooked law firm.  This is a page turner!"

4) Jill Abramson's FIRST YOU CRY.  "I've never had breast cancer," confesses Jill, "but I think this is what it would be like.  My main character is a newswoman named Betty Rollins."

5) Jill Abramson's DREAMS FROM MY FATHER.  "This one was a writing exercise.  You know, like Carole King's FANTASY album.  What if, I wondered, my father was from Kenya?  That's what led me to write this book.  It left me exhausted but wanting to run for president."

6) Jill Abramson's VALLEY OF THE DOLLS.  "Adderall's my drug of choice most days but I'll drop anything and that's what led me to write this book.  I see a lot of myself in Anne whereas I based the character Neely on Judith Miller and the character Jennifer on Maureen Dowd.  I really think I found a new voice on this book and I'm rather shocked that I finished it in less than 30 minutes.  One minute, I was popping another adderall and the next I was standing at a copy machine at Kinkos with all these pages of my new book."

7) Jill Abramson's SILENT SPRING.  "This book is going to shock people," Jill whispered to us, "especially when people realize just how ecological I am.  And ethical!"

8) Jill Abramson's THE COLOR PURPLE.  "I really like colors and purple.  It's a good color.  I write about it in this book.  I write about other things too.  My character Cecily -- I mean, Celie!  My character Celie is married to this guy and he's real mean to her.  I can't remember all of the story, I mean, come on, I wrote it three days ago. But it's really good.  Really, really."

9) Jill Abramson's ON THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.  "People do not realize how deep I am," maintains Jill.  "But I have a feeling that, with this book, I've written something which will truly stand the test of time.  This is a book that will change the world."

10)  Jill Abramson's THE BIBLE -- A TESTAMENT TO NEW AND OLD.  Says Jill, "I've always been a spiritual person and I just really let myself go with this one.  I jokingly called it 'The Queen Jill Version'."

All ten books come with a disclaimer from SIMON & SCHUSTER which reads: "We just published this crap, we didn't check anything.  Direct any and all complaints to Ms. Abramson."

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