10 actors who need to consider retirement -- at least semi-retirement

1) Matt Damon.  He's bored us forever and had more bombs in 2017 than anyone else.  Take a hint, Matt, go fishing for a year or two.

2) And maybe take George Clooney with you?  Everyone's grown tired of him as well.  It's not like he ever delivered at the box office but it's only getting worse.  As he stares down 57, he makes clear that his biggest moment on screen will always be the box office bomb BATMAN & ROBIN.

3) Meryl Streep?  You've shown us everything you can do -- and it wasn't all that much.  From 1977 to today, she's only had two years where she's not appeared in a film -- 1980 and 1997 and in 1980, she was onstage performing ALICE IN CONCERT while, in 1997, she was in the TV movie . . . FIRST DO NO HARM.  Most years, she's appeared in several film.  It's all too much and all too exhausting.  Oh, and during that same time? She's gotten married and had four children. Oh, and the freak won't put out during filming.  We don't mean with others, we mean with her husband.  Meryl's celibate when filming a movie.  That certainly explains why she comes across so cold and non-sensual in one role after another.  COLD FISH: THE MERYL STREEP STORY, soon to be coming to LIFETIME.


4) Amy Schumer.  Did anyone think a cousin of Chuck Schumer's could become a movie star?  She can't.  Especially not when she's a cousin who makes the senator look like the best looking member of the family.  We'll never forgive her for taking away our NETFLIX ratings.  Remember that?  Her awful comedy special got negative user reviews.  She insisted it was some right-wing conspiracy and NETFLIX caves and takes away our five stars giving us instead the option of thumbs up or thumbs down?  For that alone, we say f**k you, Amy Schumer. 

5) Ellen Pompeo.  14 seasons as the star of a drama and never a single Emmy nomination?  Pack it in already.  No one's buying you as an actress.

6) Seth Rogan.  We're tired of your yelling in your voice that frequently cracks.  You're apparently not naturally funny and you either need to retire or else take greater care when selecting your next project.

7) Patton Oswalt.  You've never been funny.  But you were the least irritating as Spence on KING OF QUEENS.  Now you seem to be everywhere and you add nothing to anything, not to MARVEL AGENTS OF SHIELD, not to KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES, not to THE CIRCLE, not to DRUNK HISTORY, not to VEEP, not to MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, not to HAPPY!, not to DIMENSION 404.  You're overexposed and undertalented.  Were you a woman of your size, you'd be unemployable.  Were you a woman with such so-so looks, you'd be unemployable.  But as a fat, short, ugly man you keep getting work despite never having demonstrated you can act.  Repeatedly.

8) Louie Anderson.  You're not funny.  You're playing a woman by playing her exactly like your other characters, but in a dress, isn't funny.  You're a piece of s**t that needs to scraped off our feet.

9) Tom Hanks.  Like Seth Rogan, you need to grasp yelling is not acting.  Having demonstrated how tiny your range is and having become yesterday's news, maybe it's time to take the tired act to audio books?

10) Matthew Perry -- with a qualifier.  If you want to do a sitcom, we want to watch -- provided it's a multi-cam sitcom.  Even the tired premise of THE ODD COUPLE provided laughs as a result of being a multi-cam.  Without playing to a studio audience, you can't hit your rhythms.  That's why you were not funny in film and it's why you failed in MR. SUNSHINE, GO ON and STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP.