Sunday, July 06, 2014

TV: Overt Affairs

Some live for recap.  Some get lost in it.  We just  move forward and supply what's needed as it's needed.

Annie Walker didn't spend a lot of time on the farm.  Neither did we but we had common sense while Annie was pulled from the farm and tossed in the field just because of who she'd slept with.

It made sense, in its own stupid way.   Annie's the type of woman who will claim to be a natural blond -- and bask in the claim being repeated -- while never grasping that once the Toms River High School North photos get published (thank you, Life & Style magazine), that little lie will be exposed.

Annie has so many lies.

Her entire life -- not just her hair color -- is, in fact a lie.

Right now, she's trying to continue as a spy despite a heart condition she's failed to disclose to the CIA and despite the fact that the head of a mercenary contractor corporation knows about her heart condition.

Some people just aren't made for spying.

We thought about that last week as we went on our mission.

Unlike Annie Walker, our cover didn't include going down to Venezuela to terrorize Muslims (again, she's not very bright) or pretending we were there to get breast implants.

Unlike Annie Walker, we also don't fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants.  We realize that's the sort of thing you leave to a Julia Roberts movie.  When you have an actual mission, you do recon.

Our recon informed us that Campps Americana was popular with both General Martin Dempsey (Chair of the Joint-Chiefs) and Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel.  We further learned that Dempsey preferred the Walnut Crusted Chicken while Hagel enjoyed the Bourbon Salmon.

So we were all set to 'enhance' their lunch July 3rd right before they held their joint-press conference.

The group we work for believes the American people have a right to know.

That's how we reconnected with Annie, in fact.

We'd been asked to infiltrate the CIA's Domestic Protection Division because, if something went wrong, our bosses wanted to be sure our mission hadn't been for naught.  If things went screwy and we got taken out, they wanted to be sure it could be blamed on the CIA.

The first thing we noticed as we grabbed our desks in DPD was just how sexist the division was.  It was so bad that our joining up had doubled the number of women in the division.  Yes, other than us it was just Annie and Joan Campbell who'd been a power player at some point, heading the division, but was now reduced to glorified office manager.  She couldn't get you a new assignment but she could get you a stapler or pair of scissors from the locked supply closet.

While Joan and Calder Michaels spent every day sparring, we focused on an elaborate scheme whereby we took over Campps Americana with a team of others.

As a cover story, we told Joan our operation's target was Fidel Castro, that he'd be in town July 3rd and we'd need to assemble a small team.

Joan looked genuinely happy as she explained she'd worked on a good portion of the CIA's 638 previous attempts on the former Cuban leader's life and she was just pleased to know that the CIA hadn't given up, even at this late date, on taking out Castro.

However, Joan made clear that the most she could spare for our team was Auggie Anderson, so we dropped to a much smaller scale operation.  We'd be waitresses and dope the food when they arrived for lunch Thursday, July 3rd.

The drug we'd be using?  Clonazepam.  75 mg for each man should do the trick.  It would produce confusion and euphoria putting Hagel and Demsey just where we wanted for the press conference.

See, US President Barack Obama has been sending hundreds of US troops into Iraq over the last weeks.  He's stated to the American people that these troops will not be combat troops.

And a gullible country swallowed that nonsense -- as if the Green Berets were trained in both combat and hospital candy striping and the group Barack was sending would be working the children's ward, delivering crosswords and jumbles.

We knew better and we knew the Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Secretary of Defense had to know what's what as well.

So drugging them before their afternoon press conference on Iraq seemed the best way to get the information out to the American people.

Things were going smoothly up until the point Auggie started hitting on us.  It wasn't even flattering.  We'd seen him flirt with two different women from outside the division in our first two days.  He was trying really hard to pretend he was over Annie when it was so clear that he wasn't over her and probably never would be.

We found it puzzling.  She was a frothy creation when she emerged on the scene -- even pretty except for that greenish tint in her bleached blond hair.  But that was many years ago and the years -- and her hair dresser -- had not been kind.  The smiling optimist had been replaced by a secretive scold who was forever down in the dumps.  Even her wardrobe looked borrowed from Ally Sheedy's Breakfast Club character.

Auggie was pining over Annie.  As we've already explained, she wanted to bully some Muslims -- something the CIA always approves of -- so she'd gone to Venezuela -- in part because she's just not very bright.  From there, she was calling Auggie constantly, using their past relationship to get various favors while pretending  they had a strictly business relationship now.

Considering all the problems Joan and her husband Arthur had caused the agency, we found it telling that no one objected to former lovers Annie and Auggie working together.

Then again, considering a crook, John Brennan, now heads the CIA despite his role in torture and extraordinary rendition. it's not like ethics are overflowing at the CIA.

We did see dowdy and dumpy Fran, the old whore for the CIA.  She worked in countries where she was considered a blond (just like Annie!) because her hair was light brown.  She was also considered attractive -- in those third world countries.

In the US, she couldn't have bought a cup of coffee selling her tired and worn out goods.

But, with a Ford Foundation cover, Fran spread her legs all over Indonesia, Pakistan, Jakarta, India and elsewhere -- she did it for country, you understand.

We were surprised to see her because she spends most of her time today pretending to be part of the left --  a visionary, even --  all the while taking notes on various left figures which then turns over to her former (or is that 'former') bosses at the CIA.

Grasping that she'd out us in an instant, we dashed out of the office, taking great care to ensure she didn't see us.

It was for the best because any information that makes it into Langley is either useless due to being out of date or due to being distorted.

In an out of the way coffee shop was where we'd learn that the afternoon press conference had been switched to Thursday morning.

We'd get a slightly less than 18 hour lead on that.

Screw elaborate plans, we'll just drug their morning coffees.

Which we do Thursday morning about 57 minutes before they go into the press conference.

It was obvious the drug was kicking in as Martin Dempsey began to get silly, "So the questions get more and more complex as we go. [. . .]  Yeah, I know you haven't. Well, you know, it's impossible to wrestle the podium away from John Kirby."

While Dempsey was cracking up in public, Hagel had a deathly smile on his face and a vacant expression as though he were watching Finn and Jake on Adventure Time.

While Hagel zoned out, the telling exchange took place.

Q: Mr. Secretary, you said the advisers would not be involved in combat. General Dempsey, you have raised the possibility that those advisers could be used as forward air controllers in the event that you called in air strikes, which I think most people would regard as being involved in combat. So, which is it on that?
And second, you mentioned that the Iraqis, to go on the offensive, would most likely to need help in logistics, which sounds like a prescription for sending in more U.S. advisers, troops, opening up supply depots. Is that on the table?

GEN. DEMPSEY: You know, there's a tendency to think of this as kind of industrial-strength, you know, where we're going to put a mountain of supplies someplace, and then that's going to require us to protect it, and then we've got to move it forward into the hands of the Iraqis to ensure that they use it and use it responsibly and effectively.
And that's -- that's obviously one possibility, but it's not one that personally I think the situation demands. I think the situation demands first and foremost that the Iraqi political system find a way to separate the Sunnis who have partnered now with ISIL, because they have zero confidence in the ability of Iraq's politicians to govern.
If you can separate those groups, then the problem becomes manageable and understandable and allows us to be in a position to enable Iraq, not with a huge industrial-strength effort, but rather with the special skills, leadership and niche capabilities that we possess uniquely. And there's no daylight between what an adviser will do.

  We haven't made -- right now as we sit here, the advisers are categorically not involved in combat operations. They're literally assessing. That's their task. If the assessment comes back and reveals that it would be beneficial to this effort and to our national security interests to put the advisers in a different role, I will first consult with the secretary. We will consult with the president. We'll provide that option and we'll move ahead. But that's where we are today.

That's what we'd been waiting for.  That's what we'd been hoping for.

Barack's claim of the troops not doing "combat operations"?  His June 19th declaration that, "American forces will not be returning to combat in Iraq, but we will help Iraqis as they take the fight to terrorists who threaten the Iraqi people, the region, and American interests as well"?  The Joint Chiefs of Staff had just made clear that all options were on the table and if the advisors felt the best move would be US forces in combat, then Dempsey would gladly address that with Hagel and with Barack.

We hurried back to Langley where Auggie was on the phone with Annie, giving her information on a Muslim woman, on what the woman had been Googling and other information Annie could use to strong-arm and intimidate the woman.

She'd snidely put down the woman, declaring, "I know, right now, this must seem like the most exciting thing that's ever happened in your life."

Then she'd be spilling secrets to a mercenary who'd tell her, "Everyone's entitled to a secret or two, right?"

Apparently so.

Provided you worked for the US government as an employee or contracted labor.

Otherwise, you weren't a person, you were a pawn to be used, to be blackmailed or bullied.

Everyone had a target painted on their back by the CIA.

Not really all that shocking.  Hadn't that, after all, been the real point of NSA whistle-blower Ed Snowden's revelations?

What surprised us was that Annie's Covert Affairs still hadn't been shut down.

She'd physically become as ugly as the shenanigans she and her co-workers attempted to white-wash. In 2010, she was a frothy confection, a cup cake.  These days, she's tired, stale and likely to cause vomiting and/or diarrhea.

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