Sunday, April 20, 2014

NYT Expose: Things get gassy out of Brooks' assy

It was last Tuesday, The New York Times Birthday Committee was meeting yet again.

1 man

Present were Chair David Brooks sporting his fetching new hair-and-scalp style, Gail Collins, Frank Bruni. Ross Douthat and Paul Krugman.  Unbeknownst to the participants, they were being recorded.

David Brooks:  Okay, okay, okay, okay we need to get started.  Where's Dowd, Kristof and Friedman?

Gail Collins:  Maureen thinks she's too good for the Birthday Committee.

Ross Douthat: I saw Friedman circling the halls.  I think he's lost again.

David Brooks:  Okay, okay, okay, okay forget them.  Kristof?

Gail Collins:  He's taking a personal day to put medication on Mia Farrow's liver spots.

A loud explosion is heard.

Paul Krugma:  What the hell was that?  A terrorist attack?

Frank Bruni:  I think someone farted.

Paul Krugman:  Gail!  C'mon!

Gail Collins:  I did not pass gas!

David Brooks:  Okay, okay, okay, okay let's stay focused. Joe Nocera's the next birthday, May 6th and --

Paul Krugman: I thought we agreed you had to do two columns a week to get a party?  Two -- one plus one.  I'm an economist and I can add and I know when I'm being ripped off.

Ross Douthat: Is that why I never get a cake?

Frank Bruni: Krugman's rule.  He said it would save money.  But Joe publishes Tuesday and Saturday.

Paul Krugman:  Are you sure?  I'm an economist and I can add and I know when I'm being ripped off.

David Brooks:  Okay, okay,okay, okay he does publish Tuesday and Saturday so Joe gets a cake, even by your rules, Paul.  Now what kind of cake?

Gail Collins: Oh!  I was at a party last week!  They had a tres leches cake!  That's Spanish.  Or maybe Mexican.  What's the difference there?  I should write a column about that.  But it's like a cake with fruit.

Frank Bruni:  You were not at a party.  No one invites you to a party.  You saw that on The Food Network.

Gail Collins: Yes, Frank, yes!  I was at home.  I was waxing my mustache, for your information, and I happened to be watching The Food Network, okay?  Is that alright with you!

Ross Douthat: I don't know if I want to eat a cake with fruit.  Call me a traditionalist, but a cake needs to have icing and it needs to have cake.  How did we become a nation of cake heretics?

Gail Collins:  Does Joe even like fruit?

Paul Krugman: Is Ross chipping in?  If he's not chipping in, I don't think he should get a vote.  I'm an economist and --

David Brooks:  Okay, okay, okay, okay!  Ross chips in, Ross always chips in.  He gets a say.

Ross Douthat: Even though I never get a cake thanks to The Krugman Rule.

Gail Collins: If we charged by how much everyone eats, Paul would have to pay for half the cake.

Paul Krugman: I have one slice.  One.  One plus nothing is one! I'm an economist, I know this.

Gail Collins: You eat one at the party but you always take the leftover cake home, swearing it's for your dogs Consumption and Surplus!  No one gives cake to dogs, no one.  I don't know who you think you're fooling, Paul Krugman!

Frank Bruni:  What about an ice cream cake?

Gail Collins: Are you trying to undercut me?  Are you trying to do that, Frank?

David Brooks: Okay, okay, okay, okay!  We can't do an ice cream cake unless we ask Bill Keller to clear all of his Weight Watchers out of the break room fridge.

Gail Collins: Why are you treating me like this, Frank?  Is it because of the sexual tension?

Frank Bruni: What are you talking about?

Gail Collins: You're a Scorpio and I'm a Sagittarius.  We mix well in bed.

Frank Bruni: I'm gay.  You're married.

Gail Collins:  We both see each day as an adventure.  That's a fact.

Frank Bruni: It's astrology.

Gail Collins: Yes, Frank, it is science.

Ross Douthat: I'm a Sagittarius.

Gail Collins: Ross, do you mind?  Frank and I are trying to talk.

A loud, muffled explosion is heard.

Paul Krugman:  Damn it, Gail!

Gail Collins:  That was not me!  Oh my God, that smells bad.  Who keeps farting?

A loud, muffled explosion is heard.

Gail Collins:  Oh my God!  Oh my God!  It smells so bad!!

Frank Bruni: It's David!  David's the farter!

David Brooks:  Okay, okay, okay, okay!  I had refried beans and ranchero beans both at lunch!  Look, we'll just do a basic yellow cake with chocolate icing, a jug of Hawaiian Punch --

Paul Krugman: We still have plates and plastic ware left over from the last party!  We don't need to buy any.

Ross Douthat:  Are you sure?  I keep seeing Bill Keller using those plastic forks to eat his Weight Watchers.

Gail Collins:  Yellow cake?  I'm not sure.  What about cupcakes?  They're like fun little mini-cakes and --

A loud, muffled explosion is heard.

Gail Collins:  Oh my God!

Paul Krugman:  Do what you want and e-mail me!

Gail, Paul, Ross and Frank run fleeing from the conference room.

David Brooks:  Oh, yeah, like none of you ever had gas before!

A loud, muffled explosion is heard.

David starts coughing.

David Brooks:  Oh, that is rank!

The above is in response to the ridiculous statements David Brooks made about NSA whistle-blower Ed Snowden on PBS' The NewsHour Friday:

DAVID BROOKS: Well, you know, I find him repellent. If somebody talked about internal conversations at the NewsHour, or at The New York Times and then broadcast them, I would find that person repellent, and doubly so when it’s national security secrets, after he’s sworn an oath to do so. So I’m no fan of him.

The arrogance and ego on David Brooks.  Internal conversations at The NewsHour or The New York Times?

Don't worry, David, no one cares about your farting.  Your secret is safe.

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