The man whose belly launched a thousand MPREG fantasies, Robert Gibbs, has just completed Why Men Still Can't Have It All. In the book, he not only explains how the world is set up against men, he explains that, as a menist, he used his position as White House spokesperson to ensure that women were restricted in the White House.
"With only 78% of the positions filled by men, I knew that a menist like myself was needed to ensure that we finally achieve the 100% we hadn't really seen in over a century. I thought about that as I finished a Hungry Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich. Needing to make a statement, I burned my boxers but that only prompted Rahm Emanuel to joke that even I didn't want to touch my dirty drawers. So I went to Target and bought a bra -- while lying to everyone that it was Janet Napolitano's and saying 'you know!' when asked how I got it -- and burned that. The menist movement was fully launched."
Gibbs goes on for 18 pages about the first meeting of the menist movement and how his big contribution was in disputing the myth of the penile orgasm. He then goes offers five pages on how early reality TV star Sarah Purcell was "the original Honey Boo Boo and Mama June combined into one comely package as mouth watering than a slice of Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie."
In a section labeled "Regrets," Gibbs writes:
Like many other men, I have had to face the reality that I will most likely never be able to carry a pregnancy to term. No matter how long I have tried and dreamed, I have yet to give birth. It is a special ache, a special kind of loneliness that no woman could ever understand but that I can sob over when meeting men friends for chili cheese fries at Applebees.
He also dishes on sex and politics. Excerpt:
I basically never met a Republican until I was 17 and at Bible camp. He wore ostrich skin boots, smelled of Canoe Cologne and red licorice, and drank Zima that he smuggled into the camp in 2-liter bottles of Tiki Punch Shasta. He was Dudley Do Right and I was Betty Boop. Oop-boop-a-doop! We had sex quickly and afterwards he wiped his penis on my Snoopy blanket making me associate Sunday comics with so much more than mild laughter. Totally.
He addresses body image by advising people to buy "stretchy fabrics" and "avoid mirrors." Mainly he dispenses what he calls "hope lessons."
"Hope," Gibbs explains, "is that thing that keeps us eating Chips Ahoy! cookies even though there's never been one in history that actually tasted good."
He goes on to explain how hope "drove Obama straight into the White House without stopping for fries." He elaborates that hope "misled so many of us into believing that we could have it all. We could have work and family! But no matter how hard you try, there are still only 24 hours in a day and you will never be able to give birth. Even sadder, as a men, we are rarely invited to either bridal or baby showers -- so just forget about eating those cute little finger sandwiches or pastel mints."
Time and again, what stands out most, other than his irrational hatred of women, is how food pops up in at least every other paragraph. In the final pages of the book, Gibbs address this and confesses, "What some might call an obsession, I proudly call an active addiction. And while sexism and inequality may prevent me from ever actually giving birth, I have had many a large bowel movement. That's something no woman will ever be able to take away from me."
