Sunday, November 25, 2012

The week in funny

Some of the funniest lines from last week's television.


Whitney, I'm not with you for your money.  You're a trophy wife.  Third place.
-- Alex (Chris D'Elia) to Whitney (Whitney Cummings) as they open a joint-checking account on NBC's Whitney which airs Wednesday nights.

Alex:  Okay, you know what?  Just stop, Penny.  I'm starting to get it now: You had feelings for Dave.  And you know what?  Maybe you still do.  So you said all that stuff about him not moving in.

Penny:  No!  What I said on The Real World was nothing.  And it was 2002!  It was such a crazy time.  We were all still reeling from the events surrounding the film Vanilla Sky.  I mean, what is reality?

Alex:  I am so tired of people using Vanilla Sky to defend everything!

-- Tensions erupt between Penny (Casey Wilson) and Alex (Elisha Cuthbert) when an old episode of The Real World finds Penny admitting that she loves Dave.  Happy Endings airs on ABC each Tuesday night.

Jimmy: I thought you said "cookie."  It sounded like you said "cookie."

Sabrina:   What?  Why would I say, "If we hurry, we can have a cookie in the shower"?  It doesn't even make sense.

Jimmy:  That's why I said "no."  Damn, I'll never get that one back.
--  Jimmy (Lucas Neff) and Sabrina (Shannon Woodward) go for a walk on Raising Hope, airs Tuesday nights on Fox.

Boy, Freckles wanted to get out of here worse than me.  Is-is he an outdoor cat?  No?  Alright then.
-- June (Dreama Walker) exiting Thanksgiving dinner after being thrown out by Chloe's mother. Don't Trust The B---- in Apt 23, airs on ABC, Tuesday nights.

Mindy: Josh, where are you?

Josh: I'm at a strip club in Atlanta with some players I rep.  The buffet here is all over the place.  Turkey, sushi, pizza.  It's weird.  I wish you could see it.

Mindy:  Josh, why are you calling me from a strip club in Atlanta?

Josh:  Because I miss you.

Mindy:  I'm sorry, I di - hear what you said.  Can you just repeat it?

Josh:  You totally heard me.  The reception in this strip club is spectacular.  

Mindy: Okay, well the reception at the strip club that I am in is not that good.  Just please repeat yourself.

Josh: Put it this way, kid, two girls just offered to take me to the backroom and grind the pretty out of me and all I can do is think about one girl who is a thousand miles away.

Mindy:  Well that is just about the grossest thing anyone has ever said to me.
-- Mindy (Mindy Kaling) and Josh (Tommy Dewey) firm up their relationship over the phone on The Mindy Project which airs Tuesdays on Fox.

Okay, you don't buy sunglasses.  You find them on the train.
-- Whitney (Whitney Cummings) giving economic tips to Alex (Chris D'Elia) on NBC's Whitney which airs Wednesday nights.

Jane: I'm Greg? 

Max: I said, "I'm gay." I'm a hero!

Brad:  You're definitely a hero to all the Gregs out there.

Jane: The first openly Greg person on television.

Penny: They're letting Gregs in the military now.

--  The gang watches The Real World 2002 where Max (Adam Pally) comes out while eating a sandwich and the food in his mouth making it hard to understand what he's saying -- Alex (Elisha Cuthbert), Jane (Eliza Coupe), Brad (Damon Wayans Jr.) and Penny (Casey Wilson).  Happy Endings airs on ABC each Tuesday night.

Mark: Lily, I'm drowning! I have no idea what I'm doing!  I have never been so scared in all of my life! And I have been shot at!  Stop looking at me!

Lily:  Mark, it's going to be okay.

Mark:  I don't know.  Last night, I dreamed that the bar ate me.

Lily:  Okay, c'mere.  Listen to me.  I have been through something like this, okay?  I was in grad school, set to get a degree in marketing.  But for fun, I would write these little reviews of restaurants around campus and it just made me so happy.  So I bailed out on school, gave up on having a really stable job to start my food blog.  And when I started it, I had nothing.  Look at me now.

Mark: You still have nothing.

Lily:  No, I have less than nothing.  I'm in debt.  I'm sleeping on Roxanne's couch.  I don't have health insurance.  I have a mole with irregular borders.  Oh my God, what have I done!

Mark:  No, no, Lily.  Lily, Lily, Lily, it's going to be fine.

Lily:  Yeah.  Yeah.  I'm going to be okay.  Right?

Mark:  I don't know.  But you just made me realize that I am.
-- Lily (Zoe Lister-Jones) helps Mark (Dan O'Brien) through a career panic on Whitney which airs Wednesday nights on NBC.

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