They killed Santa Clause and put in an illegal occupation

Repeatedly, press reports run with the claims that the "US killed X number of terrorists in __ Iraq today/yesterday." The reporters don't know if the dead were terrorists or not. They haven't verified anything. Most don't even put 'terrorists' in quotes. The US military says it and the press runs with it. This despite the fact that a number of 'terrorists' killed have ended up being innocent civilians.



Last week, Wally and Cedric attempted to demonstrate the absurdity of it in a series of posts.



We loved their series and wanted to note it in full.



From Tuesday's "Christmas in Baghdad" and "THIS JUST IN! U.S. MILITARY KILLS 'TERRORIST'!:"



BULLY BOY PRESS & CEDRIC'S BIX MIX -- BAGHDAD.

IN THE U.S. NATIONAL GREEN ZONE TODAY, THE GIDDIEST GABOR OF THE GREEN ZONE, WILLIE CALDWELL, STEPPED BEFORE THE PRESS TO CONFIRM WHAT HAD BEEN UNCONFIRMED FACT BUT COULD NOT BE REPORTED UNTIL THE U.S. GOVERNMENT CONFIRMED IT BECAUSE THE PRESS CORPS HAS NO SPINE. LAST NIGHT, OVER BAGHDAD, THE U.S. MILITARY SHOT DOWN AND KILLED A MAN.

WILLIE INFORMED THAT THE MAN WAS ONE OF AL-QAEDA'S LEADING TERRORISTS AND DISMISSED SPECULATION THAT THE U.S. MILITARY SHOT DOWN SANTA CLAUSE.

"THAT IS AN ALIAS!" INSISTED WILLIE. "HIS REAL NAME IS KRIS KRINGLE. ONLY TERRORISTS NEED ALIAS! WE HAVE IT ON RADAR THAT HE FIRST STOPPED IN IRAN AND WE HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE HE WAS SMUGGLING IN I.E.D.S. AND OTHER EXPLOSIVES."

AS THE PRESS CORPS DUTIFULLY WROTE DOWN WILLIE'S EVERY WORD AND A BEAMING MARTHA RADDATZ EXCLAIMED "LOVELY!" VIA SATELLITE LINK FROM THE UNITED STATES,

THESE REPORTERS ASKED WHETHER OR NOT SANTA CLAUSE MIGHT HAVE STOPPED IN IRAN TO DELIVER PRESENTS?

"KRINGLE!" EXCLAIMED WILLIE. "I DO NOT KNOW WHY YOU INSIST ON CALLING HIM 'SANTA CLAUSE.' HIS NAME IS KRIS KRINGLE, WE KNOW HE STOPPED IN IRAN, WE KNOW HE BROUGHT WEAPONS INTO IRAQ!"

THESE REPORTERS INQUIRED AS TO THE TYPE OF PRESENTS THAT WERE FOUND WHERE THE SLED CRASHED DOWN?

"PRESENTS? WEAPONS! THERE WERE A FEW REMOTE CONTROL THINGS, LOOKED LIKE CARS, BUT YOU CAN PLANT A BOMB IN A TOY CAR, AND WE ARE THE UNITED STATES MILITARY! WE KNOW BEST! WE HAVE TAKEN OUT A TERRORIST WHO REGULARLY TRAVELED THE GLOBE INDICATING THAT HE WAS PART OF THE GLOBAL DRUG CARTEL!"

ABC'S MARTHA RADDATZ AGAIN BUBBLED "LOVELY" AS REPORTERS RUSHED OFF TO FILE THEIR 'SCOOPS.'

THESE REPORTERS SPOKE WITH TWO IRAQI CHILDREN WHO HAD STAYED UP LATE HOPING TO CATCH SANTA AS HE DELIVERED TOYS. THEY SOBBED UNCONTROLLABLY AS THEIR MOTHER EXPLAINED HOW, LAST NIGHT, THEY HAD RUN TO THE WINDOW AND POINTED EXCITEDLY AT SANTA FLYING JUST OVER BAGHDAD ONLY TO SEE "THIS HUGE FIREBALL" AND HEAR THE CRIES AND SCREAMS OF SANTA AS THE SLED CRASHED DOWN TO EARTH.

A UNITED STATES SOLDIER ON DUTY LAST NIGHT SAID, "WE WERE TRYING TO WAIT AND CAUTIONING THAT IT DID NOT APPEAR TO BE A HOSTILE BUT WE WERE ORDERED 'TAKE HIM OUT NOW! TAKE THAT MOTHER-F**KER OUT NOW!"



Having shot down Santa's sled (thereby killing Clause), the next day it was time for the 'chatter' defense often used to excuse themselves when facing criticism. "U.S. military labels elves 'terrorists'" and "THIS JUST IN! THEY NUKED THE NORTH POLE!:"



BULLY BOY PRESS & CEDRIC'S BIX MIX -- BAGHDAD.

YESTERDAY THE U.S. MILITARY'S SPOKESMODEL WILLIE CALDWELL CONFIRMED IN A PRESS CONFERENCE, HERE AND HERE, THAT, IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS OF DECEMBER 25TH, THE U.S. MILITARY HAD LAUNCHED A ROCKET AT KRIS KRINGLE WHO IS MORE POPULAR KNOWN AS SANTA CLAUSE THOUGH CALDWELL DISMISSED THAT AS AN "ALIAS."

IN ADDITION, CALDWELL STATED THAT SANTA CLAUSE WAS A "TERRORIST" SMUGGLING WEAPONS INTO IRAQ AND THAT HIS YEARLY TRIPS AROUND THE GLOBE WERE PART OF THE "GLOBAL DRUG CARTEL."

TODAY THESE REPORTERS SPOKE WITH THE GENERAL IN CHARGE OF U.S. OPERATIONS IN IRAQ, DAVID PETRAEUS.

PETRAEUS DOES NOT DENY THAT "STRATEGIC TARGET" AND NOTES THAT THE U.S. ALSO NUKED THE NORTH POLE BECAUSE THE ELVES IN "SANTA'S WORKSHOP" WERE A "TERRORIST CELL."

WHEN ASKED FOR PROOF, PETRAEUS REFERRED TO "CHATTER" AND NOTED THAT SOME OF THE LETTERS TO SANTA CAME IN FROM CHILDREN "WHO WERE CLEARLY MEMBERS OF HAMAS. KRINGLE WAS THE LYNCHPIN IN INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM AND RECRUITED FOLLOWERS BY PROMISING THAT HE WOULD PROVIDE WITH 'GIFTS' IF THEY WERE 'GOOD'. THIS IS AKIN TO A PROMISE OF 7 OR MORE VIRGINS IN AN AFTER-LIFE. NOT ONLY DOES THE U.S. MILITARY STAND BY IT'S DECISION TO SHOOT DOWN SANTA, ER, KRINGLE, WE ALSO STAND BY THE DECISION TO NUKE THE NORTH POLE."

PETRAEUS WENT ON TO BOAST THAT THE U.S. MILITARY WAS CURRENTLY USING GLOBAL POSITIONING/TRACKING TO LOCATE THE TOOTH FAIRY VIA BIOMETRICS THEY SWABBED OFF OF A CHILD'S PILLOW.

"TINKY'S REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER!" PETRAEUS THUNDERED.



And what's left after that but to discredit or vanish the last one speaking out? "The widow speaks" and "THIS JUST IN! SANTA'S WIDOW CALLS OUT THE U.S.!""



BULLY BOY PRESS & CEDRIC'S BIX MIX -- BAGHDAD.



TODAY, MRS. CLAUSE VISITED BAGHDAD, WITH PROTECTION PROVIDED BY THE EASTER BUNNY, TO HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE SHE DECRIED THE U.S. MILITARY'S DECISION TO ASSASSINATE HER HUSBAND EARLY ON THE MORNING OF DECEMBER 25TH.



STANDING IN THE CRATER WHERE HER HUSBAND'S SLED CRASHED AFTER BEING FIRED UPON, MRS. CLAUSE INSISTED THAT HER HUSBAND WAS NO TERRORIST.



"HE DELIVERED TOYS. HE BROUGHT JOY. HE WAS VICIOUSLY KILLED. THE REAL TERRORISTS ARE IN CENTCOM!"



MRS. CLAUSE DECRIED THE HATRED AND FEAR THAT SHE STATED WAS BEHIND HER HUSBAND'S ASSASSINATION.



MRS. CLAUSE EXPLAINED THAT EACH CHRISTMAS DAY, THE CLAUSES HAD VACATIONED IN MIAMI AND SHE HAD ALREADY DEPARTED THE NORTH POLE BEFORE THE U.S. NUKED IT WHICH WAS "WHY I REMAIN THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECRY THIS STATE-SPONSORED TERRORISM."

AS FOR CHARGES OF TERRORISM, SHE STATED THE U.S. MILITARY WAS "HIDING BEHIND THAT FALSE CHARGE" IN ORDER TO COVER UP THEIR OWN ACTIONS.



"THE WORLD IS WATCHING! THE WORLD IS WATCHING!" SHE EXCLAIMED TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE SHORTLY BEFORE GENERAL DAVID PETRAEUS PULLED THE POWER ON THE MICROPHONE, SENT IN A 5 MAN TEAM TO BAG HER HEAD AND WHISK HER OUT OF SIGHT.



RUMORS ABOUND THAT SHE IS BEING HELD IN GUANTANAMO.



We think just about captures it all.