TV: Diveristy Network Style

Diversity. TV loves it. So long as it can fit into a thirty second PSA and then be done with. In 1972, CBS aired Bridget Loves Bernie which, believe it or not, was considered scandalous by some for revolving around the inter-faith marriage of a Catholic and a Jew. In 1975, CBS tried again with The Jeffersons featuring inter-racial couple Helen and Tom Willis as supporting characters. That was over a quarter of a century ago and now ABC's decided to do 'their part'. In May, the network announced: "Cavemen is a unique buddy comedy that offers a clever twist on stereotypes and turns race relations on their head."



Of course, if they really wanted to explore race relations, they could attempt to cover race. Or as we noted last May of the coming fall lineup, "Though African-Americans still can't catch a lead on the big three, look for the 'diversity' of cavemen to beam into your homes on Tuesday nights." It was beamed in last week. It came, it whimpered and it will quickly be gone.



How bad is it? So bad we could only get scripts in advance. The pilot was re-shot but the whole thing had a "clampdown around it," explained one exec.



So we watched Tuesday expecting the worst but, even so, we were shocked. "Not funny" is a common critique of sitcoms these days so we weren't surprised that there wasn't a single laugh in the entire half-hour. We weren't surprised the show, 'based' on the TV commercials, didn't work. We were surprised by how ugly it was.



That's the way it's shot, the sets themselves and, yes, the performers. Those pulling caveman duty may (or may not) have the excuse of bad makeup but we had to wonder what was the excuse for the ones playing homosapiens?



In the first episode Ugh's relative Bluh comes to live with him. We gave them names. There's a third we named Vomit. While eating out, one of them flashes traveler checks and it's obvious a spending spree is about to take place.



It does. Off screen. The whole point of the commercials was the reaction others had to the Caveman and the way he reacted to the world around him. So in what world did it make sense not to film a shopping spree that might have attracted multiple reactions? We're not saying it would have played funny, we're just saying not showing the spree is the sort of thing you expect in a stage bound play, not in anything filmed.



Ugh has a girlfriend who is blond and his cro-magnum cronies hip him to how she's too ashamed of Ugh to introduce him to her friends. Only, after a big ranting scene that is neither funny nor awkward, it turns out that she usually dates cavemen and why she wouldn't introduce him to her friends is because she doesn't have long term relationships and they always knock her for that.



In The Diversity Book by Stephen McPherson (he prefers "Stephen" now and thinks it makes him sound more dignified) this is good. Or maybe he can just grunt out "Goo"? In most TV life, the realization that the woman some guy is in love with only has short term affairs wouldn't result in relief, it would create new worries.



Had Ugh done a double take, audiences might be interested in coming back this week. The tiny portion that bothered to watch. But instead, in that scene and every other, they were told, "You've heard us hit the one-note we're going to hit week after week."



How did this crap get on the air?



We bothered friends at ABC with that question repeatedly. They'd usually say, "I can't talk right now. Let me call you later from home." When the calls started coming in, all fingers pointed to Stephen McPherson who wants sole credit for running the network -- sole credit he doesn't deserve but he can claim 100% credit for the ruin that is Tuesday's first primetime hour.



McPherson, suffering from Glen Gordon Caron Disease?, wanted 'male' shows. He's a tad sensitive about ABC's lineup. This has nothing to do with ratings demographics, it has to do with someone fearing he might come up short in the locker room.



The only one who spoke nicely of McPherson told us, mid-week, that, of course, Caveman would be announced cancelled. That announcement still hasn't come.



For those who've forgotten, McPherson took the axe to Emily's Reasons Why Not after one airing. He was "Steve" then and said to be highly bothered by the premise of a woman entering relationships with a breakup plan. Steve (or Steve-o) didn't find that sympathetic. Cavemen he can get into, but a woman with a little bit of self-determination sends him running.



Despite all the praise from people whose livelihood depends upon him, the reality is he is not responsible for ABC's success. He's a glory hog who grabs credit others earned and brands a product his on the tiniest notions of contributions.



Remarks were made to the effect of putting men back in the driving seat (we intend to explore that further when we review the nitcom Cavemen is paired with, Carpuddles -- or is it Oil Stain?) and that's why we doubt the judgement of friends with the network who see this as a momentary phase. When someone gets bitten with the Glen Gordon Caron, they carry it around for years and years. That's because nothing pricks like the male ego and Steve, er, Stephen's is gushing.



When you get known for creating 'female' shows, it apparently causes tremendous panic in some males. Possibly more so when the one deserving credit is a woman and your boss (Anne Sweeney).



But this isn't momentary. This isn't a passing panic attack or phase. This is a real distaste for woman and a fear that you will be tagged "feminine." Those thinking it passes need only look to Warren Farrell. Or look to reality. Of the slate of alleged 'female' shows ABC has offered, only Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty and Men In Trees can really be said to be female led. (And that's the only thing the latter two shows share with the first. Housewives is a throw back.) Steve-o's bothered by shows like Brothers & Sisters which not only has an ensemble cast of men and women, the men are top-billed in the show's title.



The ratings for Cavemen were awful. People are trying to talk it up but the reality is they were awful. Emily's Reasons Why Not -- in its first and only airing -- got higher ratings than Cavemen. Cavemen is built upon an overly exposed series of commercials. It is a known quantity. (The fact that it generated so little interest demonstrates why commercials do not TV shows make.) They were not attempting to introduce audiences to something new as Carpuddles did. But despite that fact, Cavemen ended up being ABC's lowest rated show for the night. At the half-hour mark, more people were interested in trying out Jerry O'Connell's new sitcom than in giving Cavemen a view.



We also dispute friends at ABC's claim that this all recently came up, this shift in direction, change in tone. We could understand the Water Cooler Set making that mistake but people working at the network? We'll put it down to fear of Steve-O and His Amazing Technicolor Anger.



Notes From The Underbelly and October Road had Steve-O's mark all over them (bleach will remove it) and you can see the distaste for any woman to the left of June Cleaver in both. In the nitcom, women are regressing with each episode, in the drama "women" is reduced to woman. Tuesday's two sitcoms are not lapses in judgement, they are his judgement and men like these only get stodgier in the face of failure, not more open. Gay or straight, they all get overly touchy and want to prove their manhood. The fact that they feel a need to prove it goes a long way towards explaining why they have a problem in the first place.



But the problem is now ABC's and it's not just a problem for viewers (who do have other choices during Tuesday's first hour of primetime -- including the choice to turn the TV off), nor is it just a problem for McPherson who lined up advance press for what he thought would be his victory lap right about now (including lining up people for the reporters to talk to -- remember that when the stories start popping up and ask yourself how, out of all the performers or producers, the reporter thought to call ___ for a quote?), it's ABC's problem and it's a big one. A few years ago they thought they were washed up. They became a ratings leader while NBC fumbled and fumbled. Now, because of someone's wounded, gender pride, they're about to see some very serious problems. A lot of McPherson's 'strange' behavior has been excused under the umbrella excuse of 'manhood.' But one thing the networks rarely excuse is low ratings. We're sorry for the people working under him, but we wont deny that we're going to enjoy watching the meltdown. It will certainly be vastly more entertaining than any show added to ABC's lineup this season.