Iraq reporting MSM style

Yesterday, the US military stated, "The members of Multi-National Force-Iraq (MNF-I) join with the people of Iraq to congratulate you on your 2-0 victory over Vietnam. It was an exciting game in the quest for the 2007 Asian Cup. Good luck against the winner of the second round quarterfinals team, neighboring Iran or the Republic of Korea!" A military official, high ranking, who asked to be unidentified stated that the Iranian soccer club was smuggling IEDs in their sports cups. A reporter for The New York Times volunteered to cavity search each one but was turned down. For now.



Said The Giddiest Gabor in the Green Zone Willie Caldwell, "We hope they kick some Iranian butt! Someone needs to." When asked if he saw any portent in the fact that Iraq defeated Vietnam -- a country the US lost to in its last high profile illegal war -- Willie Caldwell explained that he believed he heard the "Into the bunkers!" cry blaring over the Green Zone speakers.



Last week, the Defense Department stated that "the army, navy, air force and marine corps announced an increase, while the coast guard number remained the same. The net collective result is 1,036 more reservists mobilized than last week." When questioned whether the Bully Boy of the United States was planning to expand the surge or if these troops were being mobilized for a war on another country, Caldwell stated, "I'm serious, you need to take cover."



This morning, the US military announced that al-Qaeda in Iraq was on the run as a result of a raid that took place north of Baghdad with smalls arms fire being exchanged. A man who was armed was killed. Obviously a terrorists because guns are unknown in Iraq. Also yesterday, the US military captured al-Qaeda in Iraq's religious adviser when he surrendered himself in Mosul. Still on the loose are al-Qaeda's motivational speaker, al-Qaeda's dog walker and al-Qaeda's personal trainer. Major Marc Young, a flack for the US military, stated, "The people of Iraq deserve to be able to choose a future free of terrorists and their barbaric attacks." When we finished having our rinsed and set at the Green Zone beauty parlor, we passed this on to our stylist who responded, "Yankee imperialistic dogs go home." Clearly, the American presence is appreciated in Iraq.



The surge has resulted in the year and one month crackdown on Baghdad bringing more security to all residents of the capital. This is evidenced by the US military announcing today that there were fifteen rocket attacks from July 18th to July 21st -- one of which caused minor damage on the al-Nafees Hospital. No wonder the commanding general of Multinational Force-West in Iraq, General Walter E. Gaskin, declared Friday, that "we have turned the corner. . . .

we truly turned the corner". General Gaskin reported that he was "excited," that a "persistent presence" was needed and, parental warning, informed reporters that Iraqi male soldiers "don't lack the hard". Reporters were unable to follow up by asking if he knew that first hand and if the US government was now dispensing Viagra to Iraqis. As he wound down, General Gaskin declared that Iraqis "have demonstrated that they support this" effort/illegal war "by voting with their feet by sending their sons to join the police and the army, and they have participated in the governmental process." When reporters prepared to ask him if he was attempting to imply that Iraqi women are leading the resistance, General Gaskin had already ended the press briefing.



As Reuters' Kristen Roberts noted, General Gaskin's briefing was very "optimistic." Lt. General Ray Odierno, Commander Multinational Corps-Iraq, gave a real downer of a briefing last Thursday. Odierno spoke of the need for a "bit more time" twice and began mentioning the September progress report that will be delivered to the US Congress. At which point, General Odierno began speaking of November, denied it was "a slip of the tongue," and clarified, "What I was saying is -- again, my remarks were, in 45 days I will have a better idea if the trends are continuing, and that's September. Obviously, we have an assessment we will conduct in September that will provide -- that General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker will provide. I was not looking at extending that time frame when they have to report back. What I imagine we'll have to do is do assessments that follow that initial assessment in September, and that's -- I'm assuming we'll continue to do assessments while we're here."



General Odierno also suggested that the US Congress efforts to pass a withdrawal were emboldening al Qaeda (but note, he spoke before the US military captured al Qaeda's religious advisor!). When asked about proof of that, General Odierno admitted he had none, he had "no specific intelligence." Some naysayers might accuse him of making baseless accusations in an effort to clamp down on the desired withdrawal. General Odierno also stated that there was "a link between Iranian support to extremists" meaning al Qaeda but, when questioned further, admitted, "We don't see any evidence -- significant evidence".



General Odierno spoke of the hand-shake agreement the US military had with tribes in Al Anbar Province and if that's good enough for him, it should be good enough for all Americans, provided they are true Americans, Americans who bleed red, white and blue, Americans who support the Bully Boy of the United States through good and bad times, photo ops and rectal exams, Americans who grasp that we are in Iraq to create a democracy and we cannot do that by being democratic.