Sunday, November 26, 2006
Magazine Parody: The Elector
Our special issue that continues our non-stop 2006 election coverage that we'll only drop in a few weeks when we gear up for the 2008 election. No one owns The Elector!
Editorial: They Are in Charge Now!
Congratulations! We did it! You did it! We rocked Congress. Now we have to focus on the next step: the 2008 elections. Always remember that you have no more power than the average fan in a football stadium. Your sole role in the public sphere is to cheer or boo.
That is all you can do, all you can ever do. Be good soldiers and fall in line. We have.
That's why "independent" translates as "Democratic Party" here. But don't sweat it, we hold Democrats accountable. Look at what we did to Joe Lieberman! In fact, look at how we gave Ned Lamont a pass after the primaries! We really stuck it to Joe!
Being a forward thinking magazine, it's really important to us to continue the false stereotype of "Red" and "Blue" states. If you loved our features on "Red" state governors who were "Blue" (and at least two out of 50,000 of you did!), look forward to us providing much more of that. We know we're starting to look a lot like Guns & Ammo but we really get off on the stink of pit stains and anti-choice.
And it pleases the DLC. In fact, we'll soon be hawking a book by one schill who attacks "Hollywood hacks." Of course, "Hollywood hacks" made their own names and their own monies without any need for a sugar daddy. So the real hack is probably someone on the speculation payroll, someone you've never heard of but we intend to change that.
What can we tell you, we can peddle and swing the ass as well as any in the mainstream. That's why the we'll promote the book that slams Joe Eszterhas for the audacity of objecting to Joe Lieberman in 2000.
Now, yes, we've made all of 2006 about rejecting Joe Lieberman (we intend to make 2007 all about embracing him!) but we don't like any truths to get out until we're willing to tell them. Eszterhas' two crimes are (a) telling the truth too soon and (b) failure to cast Davey in the lead of Showgirls. (Has he never seen Davey lick his own nipples? Trust us, Davey may be a square, but he's also a full on freak!)
So get ready because 2007 and 2008 will feature in depth coverage of the 2008 elections. Lots of horse races, lots of cheerleading. We're not afraid to use our independence by becoming a party organ!
-- the editors of The Elector
[Editor's Note: We just realized how we've offended some of the magazine's strongest supporters in the last two decades. Woops!]
AlterPunky: Confessions of a Media Savant
There have been so many complaints that all I ever do is tell you, two to three weeks after the fact, about some minor cable chat & chew incident that you've already heard about on Air America Radio and at Media Matters in real time.
The carping seems unwarranted, I think, as I listen to my Best of the Bread. Take Bread, they haven't done anything in years, but I still listen to them. So people should see my columns as an attempt to ride the oldies circuit with tired retreads.
But the carping scare me because I was recently fired from a web/cable position I held for years. If you never caught my act there, don't worry, I did the same thing that I do here. It's the same thing I do in book form as well. In fact, I'm really good at saying the exact same thing, day after day, year after year.
I put my name to it!
That's important to remember, AlterPunky Brewester puts his name to it. (I prefer AlterPunky Brewester to the "Cindy Brady of the faux left.") I sign my columns . . . and my angry e-mails too.
But you know who doesn't sign stuff? The New York Times. I look at those editorials and where is the byline? What's the point of that?
They're written by committee and I loathe that sort of writing. Anytime I've attempted it, I've found that either I get shouted down or end up hanging from a flag pole by my Fruit of the Looms. Can I help it if I hate people? (They hate me? Well I hated them first!)
When The New York Times does an editorial and it's not some sort of note on Sex In The City or one of the other pressing issues of our world, they refuse to sign it and seem to think that people will give it more weight, They seem to think that by not tossing on "by Joe X," people will say, "Did you hear that The New York Times endorsed ___" Like the paper has some sort of weight behind it or something.
Most importantly, without a name attached to it, I can't send a nasty e-mail where I show off the latest swear word I've learned.
I'm learning a lot more these days now that I'm coaching basketball. Well . . .
Not really coaching. It's more like I show up at the local middle school and beg and whine until a seventh grader feels sorry for me and says, "Come on guys, let the little squirt play so he'll stop crying."
I'm totally Jock Punk now.
I even bought a cup.
It came with a saucer which confused me. I also couldn't find any straps but it has a handle. My weenus is too small to go through it so I'm not sure what to hang the handle on?
But I am sure of one damn thing, it's not cool not to sign editorials. I have no respect for publications that don't sign their editorials. It's wrong and it needs to stop!
[Editor's Note: AlterPunky was asked if he was aware that here, at The Elector, we do not sign our editorials or commentaries. He said that he wasn't because he never reads the magazine "but Mommy clips all of my columns for my scrapbook!"]
COMMENTARY: CHRISTMAS, THE SEASON OF 'PEACE'
Christmas is here and what gives?
December 25th rolls around and we're supposed to all act "happy" and "rejoiceful."
It's one of the oldest conspiracy/cons in the book.
Sure there's "Jesus," the "Son of God."
But after awhile, you get used to those nuts.
The ones who really annoy are the conspiracy nuts who won't shut up about "Santa Clause." "Saint Nick."
Wherever you go, it's hard to avoid those kooks this time of year.
You'd think it would be safe in your local mall but you walk in and there they are, circled up in a long line, jabbering away.
They are sick.
You can't reason with them.
They won't listen.
Or they cry.
Here's what the "Santa" believers buy into:
*"Santa" lives at the North Pole (don't try to get them to discuss how that's even possible with the Greenhouse effect, they'll just play dumb).
*"Santa" has a toy shop where he and his elves make toys (sounds like sweatshop labor to me, I'm sure the elves aren't unionized).
*"Santa" has a list on everyone that notes whether they are "good" or "bad" (don't try to engage them in conversations about how unwarranted spying is illegal, they just don't get it).
*"Santa" spends all years making toys and then, on December 24th, "Christmas Eve," he distributes them all over the world which he travels via his "magic" sleigh.
Try telling any one of them the truth, bringing a little reality into their conspiracy-based worlds, and they ball like little babies.
"Mommy! Mommy! He said Santa Clause doesn't exist!"
Then you've got some Fascist in a Parka threatening your free speech.
It doesn't matter that you told the truth.
It doesn't matter that you were factual.
They don't care and, you quickly discover, neither does mall security who can't eject you from the party fast enough.
With all that's going on in the world, stuff you'll never read about in The Elector, to focus on "Santa Clause," to fixate, is just a blow to democracy.
Enabling these conspiracy cry babies are the Fascists in Parkas.
You never buy for a moment that these Full Grown Fascists believe in Santa Clause.
But they perpetuate the myth.
It's all over the country this time of year, no matter where you travel, you'll find it.
And the Fascists in Parkas will try to shout you down, telling little Johnny or little Beth not to listen to you. Telling them that you're a liar.
But you'd be surprised how many of those Fascists in Parkas know the truth.
The second Beth, Johnny or Sequoia runs to hop into the lap of "Santa," the Fascists will call you a "kill joy" or worse.
Then they'll hiss that you're trying to destroy a "magical moment" and "innocence."
Get over it!
Our Popular Cultures by Lazy
I do not understand why Studio 60 is not doing better in the ratings.
I feel like it hasn't gotten enough promotion from CBS.
Note: I typed "feel like."
No one needs to again rake me over the coals as they did when I wrongly said that Commander-in-Chief was not promoted by ABC. When two TV critics did that, I was mortified. Apparently, it had a big advertising budget including billboards and the sides of buses. Who knew?
Then they mocked again over the failure to make even one phone call before declaring Moronic Mars was the story of class struggle. They, no doubt, thought they were so funny with their rejoinder, "Yes, it is -- if you believe that the class war will be costumed by Nordstrom Brass Plum and Neiman Marcus."
Mocking is really mean. I can support grown ups tormenting fourteen-year-old boys online and bullying them into retracting opinions with threats, I actually feel that's kind of cool and "liberal," but how dare anyone mock me or anyone else for failure to do research.
That's just like rude.
You should treat adults with kindness.
I am really busy and never quite sure what outlet I'm supposed to be associated with from week to week, but do they give me a break?
It's gotten so bad, I keep thinking they're on the verge of outing me for plagiarizing a blog. Hey, I just stole the idea for an entry and reworked the opening a bit to make it a little less explicit and more PG or at least "girly." That blogger should have been flattered that I thought his writing was worth stealing! I don't have time for research or for giving credit.
But do I get cut any slack? No.
So I'll be using "feel" statements more in my writing because "feelings" are never wrong.
I feel that Studio 60 is making the biggest contribution to the current cultural divide raging in this country: Are semi-pretty boys taken more seriously when their semi-looks fade?
I remember the shock I had, as I left my teen years, when I realized that Kirk Cameron was not all that. After all the years I sat in front of the TV, drooling over him in every episode of T.J. Hooker. And before that, when he was on Police Woman. Oh, Kirk, what happened to the home perm?
It's a question worth asking today as you study Matthew Perry and grasp how far behind him the days of Suddenly Susan are. Oh, Matty, what happened? You were my first young lady crush. Now look at you, you're not even funny.
I stuck by Matty through the reports of rehab, through the fat days and even the rumors that he married Jim Nabors. But this is the last straw. He just doesn't do it for me anymore. I think CBS would be wise to cancel Studio 60. That's how I feel it anyway.
[Editor's Note: Lazy was wise to stick "feelings" but, even so, a correction is in order. Some feelings are, indeed, wrong.]
The Elector Interview With Ralph Nader
Four times consumer advocate Ralph Nader has run for president. He's an industry unto himself. We at The Elector were happy to sit down with him in light of the 2006 election results for an in depth, wide ranging discussion.
The Elector: Well, Ralph, the Dems cleaned up.
Nader: While they did regain control of Congress, it's also true that actually advocating a position, any position, might have increased their number of wins. As it is, they'll be held hostage in the Senate by Joe Lieberman.
The Elector: Interesting, interesting. So, Joe Lieberman.
Nader: Beg your pardon?
The Elector: Joe-mentum. No-mentum. Joe-mentum. Huh?
The Elector: Yeah, you feel me? Electoral College.
Nader: Are you asking my thoughts on the outdated institution that circumvents the direct voice of the people?
The Elector: Fantastic! Corporatism.
Nader: What is the question?
The Elector: Some call you the "spoiler," some call you "the space cowboy"!
The Elector: You said a mouthful. La Vida Loco! Well, Ralph, we're out of time now.
Nader: You barely asked even one question. You just tossed out phrases.
The Elector: It really was a wonderful interview, wasn't it? In depth. Wide ranging. Provocative!
[Editor's Note: A podcast of this interview is available in full, both minutes, by clicking here.]
Truth Confessions From A Gated Community
People ask me, "Truth, what do you think about the illegal war?"
I always reply, "When one of those Shias or Slavs tries to breach my gated community, then I'll worry about it."
Until then, we have so much more to talk about. Like the lovely Evan Blah.
Over crumb cake and lattes -- we just got our own Starbucks! next to the club house! I never need leave my gated community again! -- Blah and I discussed the state of the Democratic Party.
As a woman, I felt it was important to ask a question that I know many women like myself are concerned about.
"Yes, the issue of abortion --" Blah began.
I stopped him. My question was who does his hair?
His stylist sounds like a wonderful man. Probably gay. We have a gay couple just outside the perimeters of our community. They tried to buy a home inside but, as my husband pointed out, "We let in the gays, the next thing you know, the Blacks will want in too."
Sad but true.
But we are not all Anglo.
Like myself, we all tend to employ Mexican domestics. They get dropped off by the bus each morning at six and enter through the pedestrian gates. How exciting that must be for them!
Leaving the ratty old bus, walking down our well maintained and heavily guarded streets, focusing on the joys they'll soon experience scrubbing our toilets!
They are so lucky to have so little.
It allows them to be delighted by all that we have and, honestly, I probably take it for granted now.
I envy them their excitement. Some nights, when my husband is working late and my children are hoarse from screaming how much they hate me, I'll go into either the his or her bathroom off the master bedroom and try to pretend like I have no grasp on English and am living on mere pennies. I'll "ooh" and "aah" over the steam shower, the dual flush toliet, the copper sink but then I'll be sad again as I remember that those people probably see running water as a treat.
I can never understand them, so why bother?
I see by MicroSoft's Word Count that I'm only fifty words away from my column limit so I'll wrap up by noting that it's not easy to slave over these columns but it was really easy to talk to Evan Blah. As my husband said, he's our kind of people.
"The Peace Movement" by I Married An Economist!
Hey, everybody, over three years after the illegal war began and I'm writing The Elector's first piece about the peace movement. I called "Dibs!" on it and was surprised that no one seemed ticked off. When I call "Shotgun!" most people usually pout, well AlterPunk. And I can feel Truth pouting over the phone lines. I don't think she's left her gated community in years, at least not mentally.
But I have!
I was at the Steny Hoyer victory party, for being named House Majority Leader-elect.
It was a blast!
Full of jokes about how that old Steny Voo-Doo had worked a miracle again! He certainly is a lucky guy, isn't he? Gladys, John, no one can stand in his way!
The booze was flowing so much that I had to wonder if Frosty, though not back in Congress, was in da house?
Someone let out a cry of "Blue Dogs Rule!" and next thing I knew I was crowd surfing. Balloons were falling all around, but I was passed around.
I started thinking about how the peace movement could use some of this excitement? I mean, where are the victory speeches at the rallies, you know?
Okay, the war's still dragging on, but they could still give a victory speech, right? Like one of the leaders (I don't know the names of any, sadly, does anyone?) could stand before the crowd and shout, "Only 42 corpses discovered in Baghdad today!"
I bet the crowd assembled would yell back "Yee-haw!" or at least "Semper Fi!"
See, that's the problem with the peace movement today, not enough victory speeches.
Wow, this was really a hard thing to write. If I wrote any more, I might have to actually find out the names of some leaders or organizations and maybe even call one or two up for a quote. I see now why The Elector doesn't bother to cover the peace movement! I can tell you this, Steny's party rocked! He may be headed towards 70, but he's still the "Boy Wonder" in my book!
Courtney Love Flings Her Crap Against The Wall Again
by Prissy and Out of Work and Loose With Facts
With the magazine I worked for tanking so badly that they're trying to sell off the domain name and with my rent due, I figured I could pick up some quick cash by reviewing Courtney Love's newest CD How Dirty Girls Get Clean.
I haven't heard it but fortunately, no one at this magazine ever seems to check for those sort of things. (Little Lee-Lee was so right!)
I made up lies about track lengths last time, and got away with it, so I figure sky's the limit.
It's easy to trash Courtney Love.
And fun too.
Courtney Love's new record is called How Dirty Girls Get Clean. Take that. She's responding to the rumors. She's taking pride in them. It's a type of aggressive solipsism (I have no idea what I'm writing, but I slid that through last time, so I'm sure I can get away with it again).
Courtney Love wrote no lyrics or music for this album.
I'm pretty sure.
So it was a surprise to me that I hated it so much.
"My Bedroom Walls" is probably about all the men she's slept with. The title has almost as many letters as "Edward Norton" and I'm sure he's mentioned or alluded to in the song somewhere.
"Letter to God" is her attempt to get forgiveness. "Too Late For That Now!" is God's unreported response.
This album really sucks. Really, really sucks. (I'm being paid by the word.)
Deep Thoughts From The Marrakesh Express by That Is All
Not only does the Nobel Prize-winner and economic heretic have wonderful ideas, he is also a great guy!