Sunday, April 23, 2006

"People forget Jessica and I are real people dealing with real hurt"

In the latest issue of Rolling Stone (May 4, 2006), a shirtless Nick Lachey whines, "People forget Jessica and I are real people dealing with real hurt." Sniffle, sniffle.

Lacking the taste of Rolling Stone, US Weekly (both are put out by Jann Wenner) tosses Nickster on the cover of their May 1, 2006 issue. The cover story in US is actually . . . a report on the Rolling Stone story (which didn't make the cover). Why? Because US thumbers aren't readers and couldn't take four large pages of text (which US kindly condenses to slightly less than two pages of text) -- but then who could.

A few tips for Lachey.

*If people forget that you're a real person it may be due to the fact that most people don't try to market their divorce in a desperate bid to stay in the spotlight.

*When your spouse tells you they want a divorce, most people don't decide to share the story with the world. They certainly don't need all the details of your attempts to beg your equally freakish wife to seek counseling.

But did you really think counseling could solve all your problems? Acting lessons, singing lessons and maybe a little reality lessons would assist as well.

*As breakups go, you're hardly Carly Simon and James Taylor or any other famous for being talented duo. That's largely due to the fact that neither you nor your ex-wife is talented.

*People who don't want prying eyes on their private life, don't generally follow a very public breakup with nonstop coverage and really bad songs with lyrics like "Now I'm broken, and I'm fading . . ."

*Unless you're in the running for a Lifetime bio-pic entitled Richard Gere: The Later Years, keep your shirt on until you can get to a gym. Those pillow pecs became fold-out-sofas about half a year ago.

*So scary are the pecs that, on the cover of US, where he has his arms crossed and chest stuck out, they look like an ass. Butt cleavage is never attractive when sported on the chest.

*Did Jessica get custody of the skin care products? The reason we ask is that, even with the photos touched up, we see that you have an acne breakout above your right eyebrow. We'd also suggest less facial makeup unless you're going to do something about that large dry patch underneath your right eye. Don't feel too badly about it, your ex-wife has a freakish nose that continues to need careful lighting and and safe angles to photograph as normal.

* When "6" is the "Number of times Lachey breaks down in tears" during the interview, you might want to consider some solo counseling sessions.

*While we understand that you needed to pull your pants down as low as possible to make your waist look slimmer, go on a diet, stop posing shirtless or accept that you're chunky. Any more weight gain, and you'll have to pull your pants down below your testicles to create an illusion of thinness. (For the Lachey fans who object, take the US or RS shirtless photos and a piece of paper. Hold the paper up to where his pants should begin and you'll realize how large the love handles are.) (How large? He has a pear shape.)

One current rumor is that they'll be back together by June and this is yet another publicity stunt from two people who've rode to shallow fame on the public's curious interest in their coupling. Too harsh? Nick Lachey's last hit single was? Never, unless you define a hit very loosely. Both are failures as recording artists, Dukes of Hazzard underwhelmed at the box office (they thought they had a hundred million blockbuster until the rushes were viewed). So you're looking at a whiney John Davidson and a less talented Sandy Duncan.

All they have to sell is their personal lives. If a shallow personality cries when no paparatzi is around, did he shed a tear?
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