No Voice for the Village

If you missed the news, Micah's called The Village Voice's time of death. What?? If you asked that question you obviously missed Democracy Now!'s "Village Voice Shakeup: Top Investigative Journalist Fired, Prize-Winning Writers Resign Following Merger with New Times Media." So now The Voice is part of a syndicate that brings about as many good things to life as G.E. What can you expect in the new and watered down Voice? A lot of the crap that the syndicate's other "alternative" weeklies offer. Here's our take on what we're sure we'll be the future of the weekly. Some of spoofs are based on the past publication history of New Times Media. One is based on a current story, one that required 'investigative' journalism and lots of leg work so you just know it has to be about an important topic, one affecting us all, right? Wrong. Add generic, grainy photo to the proposed cover items below.

New 'Tude Media presents . . .

NO VOICE FOR THE VILLAGE


NEWS!

HE SO COLORFUL!
Them Wacky Black Folks Always Got Their Hands Out!
An African-American claims a corporation owes him big bling-bling!
We side with the corporation and kick him to the
curb by recounting every messy episode
we can dig up from his dead mother's life!
Investigative journalism at its finest!
by Skip and Muffy Mayflower

BROKEBACK MY MOUNTAIN BE-OUCH!
Second period! Pavol Demitra scored on a breakaway!
Los Angeles grabs 2-1 victory! In your face, Calgary!
In your face!
by Chris Generic

WHEN WILL THEY LEARN
Topher was on the honor roll at his all White school,
Whites Only, in a quiet suburb. He had it all.
He had a girlfriend (with a wealthy family, like his own).
He drove a BMW. He was captain of his football team.
She was a cheerleader. Then he discovered
a deadly cocktail: 'roids and meth. As his
girlfriend vows to wait for him, Topher enters
an upscale rehab. We take a hard hitting look
at what this may mean for Whites Only's
varsity football team this fall. Warning: This heart
tearing story will have you quaking in
your Pradas.
by Tiffany Buckley


MUSIC!
BEHIND EVERY WOMAN, THERE'S A MAN
Pink's I'm Not Dead is a masterpiece! We give
all the credit to Billy Mann!
Chris Generic
Also: Chris tells you what's in Hip-Hop for
White people!

MOVIES!
ALL MONEY BUT NO BOOBIES!
The only thing missing from Friends With Money
is Meg Ryan to make this the total chick-flick disaster
of the year. Somebody tells the girls,
"Take it off or shut up!" That's what I'm
talking about.

CULTURE
WHEN PROMISES AREN'T MET
Consumer reporter Betsy Faulkner delves into
the issue of 2000 Flushes and you won't believe
what her probe of the toilet tank unearths!
1999 flushes, not the promised 2000!