Dear Third Estate Sunday Review

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
What do you do when you lose your heart and soul?
Depressed in Sacremento

Dear Depressed in Sacremento,
You become a corporate media whore schilling for the Bully Boy. While we're sad that you're spirits are low, if they're truly broken, baby, get your resume together because when you've lost your hope, your pride and your common sense, it's time to send out that resumes! Start with MSNBC but don't neglect CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC. For ice breakers, we suggest this with Brian Williams, "You wrote Nixon as a child? You f**king panty waist, I wrote Mussolini!" Remember, when you've fallen so low that there's no where else to go, think corporate media!

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
Did you catch Saturday Night Live tonight? It's just started as I write and I can't believe that they did a racist skit where Sammy Sosa was saying baseball been berry, berry good to him. Can you believe it?
Richard, Chicago

Dear Richard,
Our Saturday nights, live and otherwise, as well as our Sunday mornings are taken up by turning out these editions so we're not able to catch Saturday Night Live. Therefore, we can't rule on whether a skit, that we didn't see, was racist or not. We can, however, note that if the line you refer to was mentioned, SNL is now copying itself since Garrett Morris made that his catch phrase on the show in the seventies.

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I'm sure you've heard of belly button lint but I'm more concerned with these hard crusties that form in my navel cavity. What are they?
Lara in Utah

Dear Lara in Utah,
What are they? They're disgusting. Please remember to bathe regularly and that gross stories may make for a shocking opening but won't endear you to strangers.

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
So let me show you something: Ava and C.I. crayola penned TV reviews are both juvenile and
old. See, I can do smart ass too. Guess I should write for Third Estate Sunday Review.
Holbert in Oklahoma

Dear Holbert,
We turn this over to C.I. and Ava. Well, Holbie, way to give it the old pre-K try. We'll assume that you're quite the cut up in after school day care. However, there's smart ass and there's dumb ass. Don't strain yourself trying to figure out which one houses your brain. Thanks for writing.

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I try to be open to all sources but if I'm to believe everything I read, Bully Boy is actually an alien from a lizard race in outer space, while also fond of gay sexual acts in coffins, stock piling money to hide out in his solar powered ranch in Crawford, Texas during the coming global drought and energy shortage, while also being controlled by the financial industry which is actually working to bring the Soviet Union back together so that it can be this century's super power, a plan that was plotted by the Rothschilds and carried out by the water carriers of Skull & Bones, that will lead to one world government, one world rule and one world domination. What do you think?
Nicholas in Seattle

Dear Nicholas,
We're still trying to get a fix on whether Poppy Bush was Deep Throat or not so we really have no background on any of the stories you're referring to except to correct you on one obvious misconception -- Bully Boy does not have a ranch in Texas. Destroying greenery (brush) isn't ranching.

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
As someone who identifies as a strict linguist and takes great pride in being grammatically correct, I was wondering if you were bothered by your typos?
Franklin in Denver

Dear Franklin,
Bothered? By our word puzzles to you? Please, say "thank you" for our intentional attempts to serve you as well as our less prissy readers.

Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
This is not the sixties, Iraq is not Vietnam and you continued confusal of the two periods leave you well equipped to criticize.
Anne in D.C.

Dear Anne,
Are you Annie Apples of the Washington Post? Honestly, we haven't seen such a load of horse shit since we last attempted to tackle one of her columns. (Ava and C.I. advise she's even a bigger gas bag when appearing on the "think tank" right-wing show PBS airs that NO ONE apparently knows of since it wasn't created to "balance" Bill Moyers the way the looney Wall St. Journal bore-fest and the Tucker Carlson show that they thankfully pulled the plug on. We'd suggest that people not accept the "fact" that until Ken Tomlinson came along to take a big leak all over PBS, it's right-wing programs were something that ended when William F. Buckley's who went off.)
Annie Apples, it's not the sixties. The sixties had better music and films. Not to mention a Do It Yourself culture that managed to break through the drone of the mainstream. (But don't you go counting DIY out just yet, Annie Apples, we think it's making an impact and that it will continue to reach larger and larger numbers.)
Iraq is not Vietnam? We never said it was the sixties and we certainly never said Iraq was Vietnam. We know our geography.
But Annie Apples, do you know the meaning of "quagmire?" (If not, check with Franklin, strict linguist that he is, he should be able to provide you with a definition.)
Here's the definition we're operating under: a difficult, precarious, or entrapping position.
Sound like anything you know?
Annie Apples, you're living in a state of denial and, for the record, no, we didn't just compare Iraq to a river in Egypt (though, with your limited comprehension, humor impaired tone, and questionable analytical abilities, we'd understand if you were confused).

Dudes,
How much did you ingest to write that stuff? If you're in my area and looking for a supplier, let me know.
Waylon, NYC

Dear Waylon,
Our high, like our looks and brains, comes naturally. But what's your best deal on rolling papers? Uh, Dona's . . . giving herself a home perm! Yeah, a home perm! And the kit has more curlers than papers! Yeah. Home perm!