TV review: Jake in Progress

Early in the week, we decided to take a look at the new ABC sitcom, Jake in Progress starring John Stamos. Then came word that Thursday would showcase four episodes in a row of the series. Four episodes? Would we laugh? Would we make it through it? We knew we'd have a damn good idea of what the show was like.

From the hype, we were cued to expect a male version of Sex in the City, full of snappy remarks and sex driven plots. But then . . . we watched.

The show is all tease. We're not just saying that they cut away from the sex scenes because we weren't expecting to see Stamos and assorted others flashing the rears at the camera. (And outside of Wendie Malick, no one in the cast should even consider doing that -- see notes at the end on Stamos' body.) But we were expecting that the show would be about sex.

And it really wasn't. Jake is supposed to be a sex machine. And we get a lot of sex talk. A lot of openings. But no closure. No sealing the deal. Talk, talk, talk. And it's not locker room talk. This is like eavesdropping on the high school chess club: they'd really, really like to have sex, but they never really, really get to.

In the first episode, Jake, the apparent stud, has to rise early the next morning. So he blows off going clubbing. (And Stamos is a little old to be going clubbing, especially solo. But the show gives him no real "wing man.") He blows off an elevator full of "girls" (his word) in town for a bridal party.

He's just all talk. At one point, his 'best friend' announces he's staying over and that Titanic is going to be on TV. Jake says he is not staying up and watching Titanic.

But like everything else Jake talks about, there's this huge gulf between what he says and what he does. Point, he ends up watching Titanic. And gets teary-eyed.

Then, since he can't sleep, he bumps into a woman from the bridal party. They end up having sparks. They go to the roof (of the hotel he lives at) to hit the hot tub. And just when she's moving in for a kiss, Jake falls asleep.

It's supposed to be a show about sex, so why does it come off like the lead character just can't get it up?

In another episode aired Thursday night, he does the deed. Quickly. As the woman semi-sneers to him, "I enjoyed every minute, both of them."

In another episode, Chloe, a woman he actually had sex with (we have no idea the length of the encounter), hops out of bed to start dressing. Jake looks at her with puppy-dog eyes and says, "That was fun."

Chloe's reply? "Yeah it was. I got to go."

Woah, woah, woah. No matter what else went down, you knew Carrie and the gang from Sex in the City had fun in bed. (Even Miranda!) But here you've got the lead in the show (it's not an ensemble) and he's unable to move beyond talk or, if he does the deed, doesn't seem to have anything to offer. This is the Anti-Sex in the City.

Who knew fucking could be so damn boring?

Looking like a cross between Greg Evigan and George Clooney (worst parts of both), John Stamos tries really hard to be endearing. But with age lines forming around the eyes and a forehead that has emerging striations, smart people would advise Stamos to try to work on his acting.

It's Uncle Jesse without the Full House crew because Stamos never has a grasp on a character.

The scene calls for frustration, okay he'll show Stamos frustrated. The scene calls for anxiety, we see Stamos frustrated. But we never see a character. We see an aging pretty boy going from scene to scene with no concept of anything that happened before. Like a disciple of Richard Gere, he mistakes squinting for acting technique.

There are actors in the cast. Wendie Malick (Nina of Just Shoot Me) has the ability to convince you repeatedly that something funny is about to happen. She's got comic timing and likeability, she just isn't given anything to do or say that's actually funny. It should also be noted that Malik works really hard to connect with Stamos in their scenes together. When Malick's looking at Stamos, he seems a better actor than he is.

Rick Hoffman is also a real actor. But he makes no effort to pull Stamos up to his level. Instead, he acts up a storm filling every scene with so much tension, drama and anxiety that he pushes everyone else off the screen. He's center of attention and Stamos makes him so because, where a Mary Tyler Moore or Bob Newhart would actually take in the performance Hoffman is giving, Stamos just waits to say his next line.

Celebs come and go making cameos. And you don't really register them or care about them. Jake's a publicist. Maybe this passes for irony -- that supposed larger than life celebrities (including two Hillary Duff wanna bes) are shown to be flat and small in reality? Well irony needs humor to truly work; without it, it's just nah-nah-nah.

Mean spirited is the way the show comes off -- whether in Jake's dealings with his assistant or his interaction with his "friends" and co-workers. Watching him squint and sigh repeatedly, the audience is fully aware that forty-one is a difficult age for pretty boys -- it's just the writers who haven't caught on.

Playing opposite Elsa (who wants to have sex with him), Stamos is acting like he's still playing opposite the pre-puberty Olsen twins. In fact the only time he appears to leave the still life stage is when Jake's arch nemisis (and client stealer) Peter is on the scene. For whatever reason, Stamos actually seems interested in what Bradley White's character is doing. The rest of the time, he just comes off bored.

"That never happens," Jake whines after he's suffered from premature ejaculation with Elsa. And what to discuss next after something like that? Apparently Peter. (No, that's not a pun.)
Jake's going on about "Want to talk mature? That guy Peter is always trying to top me!"
Yeah, we're starting to get that, we're really, really starting to get that. And get how important that and Peter are to Jake.

The loudest laugh we had was when Jake delivered the following:

You know what I say? Screw Peter.

The most honest the show may have ever gotten. And naturally, Jake's off to see Peter and to learn that Peter's stolen a client. Watching them bicker over the man adds another level to the show. And laugh as the client Freddie informs Stamos, "I've left you for Peter, Jake."

True hurt appears on Stamos' otherwise smirking face. And then follows more bickering between Jake and Peter.

Jake: "This is unbelieveable, you don't care about Freddie!"
Peter: "At least I'm not pretending to date movie stars!"

Me-ow! And the only time in two hours and four episodes that Stamos seemed committed to a scene. The thing plays like the show Ellen (formerly These Friends of Mine) before "The Puppy" episode.

He's falling asleep during make out sessions with one woman, his "ability" in bed has another woman quickly fleeing, and with Elsa (who actually asks if he's gay), Jake can't keep it up. If Uncle Jesse's coming out, that might make for an interesting show. But we doubt that's happening. Instead it's pathos and bathos like we haven't suffered through since the
days of the "drama-dy." We thought the end of The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd had finally killed that genre but here's Stamos driving a newer version that's still fraught with the same lack of appeal.

Rebecca has written about how to make Jake in Progress a hit (before the show aired) and she wanted us to answer this important question: How much flesh does Stamos show?

Rebecca, not much. In one scene (when he wakes up by the hot tub the next morning and the woman is gone), you get to see his chest. Otherwise, if he's in bed with a woman (talking!) you see his shoulders and her shoulders. (It's like sex between those big doll heads you could style the hair on.) His sleepware is a t-shirt and what appears to be silk pants or possibly shiny sweat pants. So your hopes that he'd be running around in a pair of BVDs, consider those dashed.

The body itself isn't much to note. That might be why you get so many shoulder shots. His pecs are like late 80s Richard Gere pecs -- on the verge of losing all tone and emerging with the fold lines that dominated so much of Gere's bare chest acting in the 90s. We like to call that When Pillow Pecs Turn Into Fold Out Sofas. (You're welcome to come up with your own classification.)

For all the sex talk, Jake's penis stays soft, his body is soft and the humor is soft. All in all, not a lot going on here. Unless the "in Progress" of the title foretells a coming out episode, this show makes no sense and provides little entertainment. So wait and see if Time runs a "Yep I'm Gay!" cover story. If not, don't bother watching Jake in Progress.