Beyonce's biggest fan Janell (a cautionary parody)

"You do what Mama say and you do what Mama tell," whispers grossly obese Janell Hobson, in a menacing tone as her hands wander up and down the body of  pop music star Beyonce.




On the filthy mattress, Janell lays beside a  frightened Beyonce.

"Mama gonna' take care of her little baby," Janell insists grabbing one of Beyonce's breasts.

"Yeah, Mama like you --  like she used to like Lauryn Hill but Lauryn got the crazy and the pot and that's fine because you, little girl, got the big old booty.  Oh, Mama like."

Thwack.

Thwack.

Janells fat fingers and hand slapped Beyonce's ass repeatedly.


"Mama make you feel good, feel real good.  Better than that hood you married to ever could."

Beyonce eyes the night stand.

Specifically, the double headed dildo Janell had shoved in her face earlier, "This packs more force than your husband ever could."

Janell had cackled and thrown back her head, sending her cheap weave flying in various directions.

Could she reach it, Beyonce wondered?


"Mama your biggest fan, girl.  Your biggest fan.  I got a love for you that's bigger than your ass, girl.  Mama going to make you feel good and nice.  And you getting Mama excited too. I'm making gravy down between my legs, girl.  Mama ain't bathed there in days so it would be good and dank down there for you, baby, all for you."

Janell began nibbling on Beyonce's ear.

"Mama a bigger man than Jay-Z, girl.  Mama going to man you and out man yo' crusty lipped husband, you hear me, girl?"

No, she really didn't.

Beyonce had been tuning the filthy criminal out for at least 20 minutes as she reviewed how Janell had drugged and kidnapped her.  And now?  Well now her attention was only on one thing.

Could she reach it?

Yes, she could.

Gripping one end of the double-sided dildo, Beyonce brought it crashing into Janell's face.

Blood spurted out of Janell's nose.

Janell grabbed her face and screamed in pain.

She grabbed her face and screamed in shock.

She grabbed her face and cursed.

But Beyonce had fled.

And angry Janell rose her heavy and heaving body from the mattress and stumbled around the room, searching through her dirty clothes in piles on the floor, for something to pull on, for something to wear so she could go after that Beyonce.

"And this time, no Mister Nice Guy," Janell insisted to herself.  "Girl, going to get from the git-go that I'm the man, that I'm in charge.  I'll tear that ass up, I will."

Just as she pulled the pants up and over her humongous ass, Janell heard a knocking at the door.

"Bitch got some sense and came back," she snorted, fastening the pants.

Bare chested, she swaggered to the door and opened it.

"Hands up!"

"On the floor!"

What was happening?

Janell couldn't understand.

Something like 25 police officers were swarming in.

They were saying she was a kidnapper.

"I'm no kidnapper!  I'm her biggest fan!" Janell insisted as handcuffs were locked on her wrist.