Andrew Sullivan. Randy Andy passed away earlier this week after taking a nasty spill. The blogger had just finished a fourgie with three well paid rent boys when he declared his desire to sleep in the wet spot. Said trick John, not his real name, "Andy never liked to use condoms so, with the four of us, that was one hell of a wet spot on his rubber sheet. He took a running dive for it, you know like he was on a Slip and Slide, and just flew across the cum slick, straight off the bed, into a wall, snapping his neck." As per Sullivan's request, in lieu of flowers, his family is asking that nasty looks be given to special needs children.
Katrina vanden Heuvel. Editor and publisher of The Nation magazine, Katrina vanden Heuvel passed away last night in her sleep. Pictured above in happier times, the wanna be socialite led a life heavy on "lite." As a Princeton undergraduate, Ms. vanden Heuvel was voted "The Girl Most Likely To Do Anything To Succeed, Anything, Seriously, She Has No Ethics." Great things were expected of the young woman with no scruples. Sadly, her accomplishments are far too minor to list though she did earn the title "The Peace Resister." Ms. vanden Heuvel was 76-years-old and, in her last years, had returned to toddler-hood. This was not just to a child-like outlook, she also returned to wetting herself and, in fact, died last night from drowning as a result of her spastic bladder. Funeral services will be at noon tomorrow at Our Lady of Social Climbers Church in NYC and three seats have been reserved for Nation magazine readers to ensure that each subscriber can attend.
Barack Obama. At the age of 68, former US President Barack Obama passed away from severe malnutrition. When he gutted Social Security during his presidency, Obama probably did not foresee the day when, to save money, Congress would enact cost-cutting measures that did away with Secret Service for former presidents and did away with their pensions. "If only," said Illinois Governor Rahm Emanuel, "he had invested in a 401K. He wouldn't have had much money but he could have maybe bought a few crackers, maybe a can of catfood."
The New York Times. 2051 has been a year of many serious losses so the minor death of The New York Times seems barely worth remarking on. A paper most noted in the 20th century for its failure to report accurately on the Holocaust as it happened became, in the 21st century, the paper most widely known for lying repeatedly about Iraq and non-existent WMD both to start and to prolong a war. A small, sparsely attended funeral was held in the Columbia Journalism School's Joseph Pulitzer World Room on the third floor. Though a few of the many spooks the paper had provided credentials for and taken dictation from over the years attended, the paper's noted columnists did not. Gail Collins spoke for her colleagues when she explained that she needed to use that day to hunt for a job "because it's not as though what I do is even needed. I'm a columnist who writes lousy columns that take about 5 seconds to think up and 10 to type. I don't do research or write about anything of value. At The Times, I fit right in because, as Judith Miller and Jayson Blair both demonstrated, that crazy paper would pay for anything."
Tom Hayden. A one-time husband to actress, activist, author, producer and fitness guru Jane Fonda has passed away. He actually passed away two months and four days ago but no one noticed until yesterday. The odor had been bad for months but as the student-intern Janelle Stewart explained, "I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. He had old man smell, you know? And as for him being so quiet, I was just glad he wasn't pinching my behind. I was thinking he was asleep or something. Besides, I don't know why this should all be on me. Shouldn't someone else have noticed? Didn't he have any friends?" Judging by the lack of attendance at his funeral yesterday, no, Ms. Stewart, no, he did not have any friends.
