NUKED NATION IN TATTERS
By Michael R. Gordon
WASHINGTON, Feb. 3 -- The newly sworn in President Barack Obama last night ordered an attack on the country of Iran. Though largely vague throughout his campaign, Mr. Obama repeatedly gave statements indicating that an attack on Iran was possible.
In addition to multiple public statements, April 24, 2007 found the then-U.S. Senator co-sponsoring the "Iran Counter-Proliferation Act of 2007" which demanded, "The Secretary of State should designate the Iranian Revolutionary Guards as a Foreign Terrorist Organization under section 219 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (8 U.S.C. 1189) and the Secretary of the Treasury should place the Iranian Revolutionary Guards on the list of Specially Designated Global Terrorists under Executive Order 13224 (66 Fed. Reg. 186; relating to blocking property and prohibiting transactions with persons who commit, threaten to commit, or support terrorism)."
At approximately 11:30 p.m. E.S.T., the president gave the order for nuclear bombs to be dropped on Iran after consulting with his panel of advisers. The Associated Press reported the "sky over Tehran was glorious with colors as the bombs exploded." The Times' London correspondent, John F. Burns, watching an ariel satellite feed of the bombing from Downing Street, described it as "like seeing the opening of Love, American Style -- but without the annoying theme song."
Secretary of War Sarah Sewall declared that all nukes hit their targets and that "civilian damage was minimal but you can't take over the world without breaking a few populations." Secretary of State and Anger Samantha Power, speaking at the State Dept. earlier this morning, deemed the first wave a "cake-walk, or at least microwave brownies. The world is on notice. There will be no disagreements with U.S. foreign policy. Not on my watch!"
The president is expected to address the nation later today at noon E.S.T. and already MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, now in charge of all news programming, has dubbed the assault "Operation Hit Back, We Take No S**t" and warned viewers that, "This is no time for dissent or disagreement."
Across the country, the response from antiwar activists was largely non-existent. Said Crypt Keeper Tom Hayden, "This is a glorious day and I know the movement that supported President Obama will now rise up . . . Or, if not now, possibly after he assaults the next country on his list of terrorist states." In New York City, a gaggle of protesters gathered outside the former firehouse building at 87 Lafayette Street where they pelted Democracy Now! propagandist Amy Goodman with rotten tomatoes, lettuce and, in honor of Fidel Castro's February 4, 1962 Second Declaration of Havana, bananas. Ms. Goodman was heard to say, "Oh! Ow! Hey, that hurts! Ow! Help! Help! Ow!"
Those protesters not hurling produce carried signs that proclaimed slogans such as: "GOODMAN LIED! IRANIANS DIED!"
In Harlem, rescue workers came to the aid of Code Stink's Medea Benjamin who attempted to escape from an unruly mob by seeking shelter in Katrina vanden Heuvel's Harlem mansion; however, Ms. vanden Heuvel refused Ms. Benjamin admittance and the latter was repeatedly "pie-ed" -- the act of hurling a pie at a victim -- by angry citizens denouncing her as a "liar" and "war mongerer" due to her unconditional support for Mr. Obama while he ran for the presidency.
Reached for comment, Ms. Benjamin eagerly confirmed the "pie-ing" and repeatedly spelled her name ("It's really important you get it correctly") while offering to pose with her detached retinas for "any photographer you can get a hold of." When asked what she made of the protesters and their anger towards her, Ms. Benjamin reminded this reporter, "Look, Bub, I am the story. Don't you go off chasing down the wackos. This is about me. All about me!"
From the safety of her Harlem mansion, Ms. vanden Heuvel, editor and publisher of The Nation magazine, advised the press that, "Democratic wars are okay. Democrats only started needed wars. President Obama has stated he had his reasons and that is good enough for the left, if I can speak for the entire left in this country, and haven't I always presumed to do just that?"
D.C. is abuzz with talk that President Obama will announce today that dissidents will be rounded up and rumored to be on the watch list are all gays and lesbians. Speaking from Free Speech and Obama TV headquarters, self-loathing lesbian Laura Flanders declared, "I will do what I have to do for my country. My only concern with President Obama has always been that he find a way to break with [Chicago] Mayor Richard Daley. I still hold out hope that at some point, maybe not in his first term, or in his second, or immediately after he leaves office, President Obama will break with Daley. That's really all I care about. If I have to be carried off to a detention center and wear an orange jumpsuit with a pink triangle, well, I'm just happy to do whatever I can for my country."
As this report was being filed, Medea Benjamin called to advise that Code Stink had a new slogan and campaign.
"Win With War," she explained. "That's the slogan. I'll be modeling it on a T-shirt on Regis & Kelly later today. It is very important that we all support our president and the war on Iran. If we do not do that, the bases the U.S. needs in Africa may be denied. AFRICOM has always been our president's deepest desire and I see it as my patriotic duty to ensure that his wish is granted."
