Ava and C.I. dip into the mailbag to respond to "Cowpoke" Rob

We get all sorts of responses to our reviews. None of which we read. (Who has the time?) We're in DC, came in for The World Can't Wait rally. Those of us who went to DC, then went on to party. So in the spirit of of the country classic "Sunday Morning Coming Down" we decided to read and respond to what Jim has dubbed "the most ill informed e-mail of the week."

Here it is in full:

Hi, my name is Rob. I live in Connecticut, and I am writing in regards to your Kenny Chesney and Faith Hill article that was published on Nov. 27, 2005. I just had to say how wrong this article was. Kenny Chesney and Faith are icons in the country music industry. You made reference to the fact that Kenny is nothing like Johnny Cash, or Willie. Well, who in Country really is? Country has changed a bit, but you are wrong...
Kenny has held down the roots to an extent. If you knew anything about Kenny or country, you'd know songs like She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy, or The Good Stuff just to name a couple. I don't believe people as ignorant as these should even be allowed to address a topic they know nothing about. Music evolves over time, hell, EVERYTHING evolves over time. Haven't you ever heard that people and things change?
When Johnny Cash began, and others of the sort, he was a pioneer of his time. His music wasn't the same as country before him. But he was still country... no? Now Kenny, Tim McGraw, Garth Brooks, Faith, are just a few to name that have been pioneers more recently. Things will always change, but just because you don't even have an interest in Country music, don't cut down on it if you have no clue what you are talking about.
I just find it rather sad that such imbeciles go to a college where their majors are journalism. I feel sorry for whoever they write for in the future when they get out of school.
Sincerely Annoyed,
Rob from _____, CT

Hi Rob, our names are Ava and C.I. We're the ones who wrote the review you're so annoyed over. We're glad you're annoyed. We had to watch the Chesney with a Z! special and it annoyed us. You write "everything evolves over time" which we'll take to mean everything but comprehension.

Kenny Chesney is a "pioneer" in the same way that Kenny Rogers was a few decades before when he was doing his Vegas goes country routine. You say we know nothing about country music but you've not pointed out any errors. Possibly that's because there were none.

It's nice to know that the urban country fad crossed over to Connecticut. We're sure you look very cute in your starched, ironed & pressed blue jeans. "Kenny Chesney and Faith are icons in the country music industry," you say, proving that you've never stepped into a honky tonk in your life because the use of the term "icon" would have led to such a severe ass kicking you'd be unable to write to this day. But apparently, things are a little different "down home" in the "wilderness" of Connecticut.

Allowing that they are both important in the sales of current country music, we'll note first off that we praised Faith Hill's special. We noted that her crossover hits were overproduced and that's hardly a shocking judgement call (in the entertainment industry, that call is the norm). On the special, which we did and do recommend, Hill's voice and the music was a wonderful blend. She can sing and we didn't dispute that. We felt her musical special was the best musical special to air in 2005.

Now maybe on some (unexpressed level) you sensed that and that's why you make Chezney with a Z the thrust of your e-mail? Or maybe you just lose interest in women quickly? (You heartbreaker, you.) Or maybe you have a secret crush on "Kenny" -- as you call him? Or a not so secret crush? Or maybe you've been told you can pass for the Connecticut version of Kenny Chesney and that makes it personal for you?

The last option wouldn't be hard to pull off, passing as Connecticut's answer to Chesney. Us, we're still waiting for the Nashville version of a Kenny Chesney. Instead we're stuck with a light weight, not-so-pretty boy (they really airbrush those photos, don't they) ripping off riffs from what's not considered to be an acclaimed pop-rock band (Sugar Ray) -- while prancing around the stage, waving his arms, pointing his arms, throwing his arms up in the air. And of course, don't forget the island footage:

Intercut with his non-country songs (here's another hint for those who can't grasp it -- electric guitar solos by someone in the band usually mean you're at a rock concert), we got to see how the "good old boy" lives.
On his "boat" in the tropics. Look out Nashville! St. John is breathing down your red-neck!

That was in the special. We're assuming you missed it or else, even a devoted Kenny-ster like yourself, couldn't muster the strength to defend the not-so-special special? Regardless, you have nothing to say about either special. Are you the "imbecile"? (Rob, if you ever make it to a genuine honky tonk -- which would require leaving Connecticut -- use the word "dumb ass" so you don't come off like the uptight, urban dweller you do in your e-mail.)

The article isn't "wrong." There are no facts that are "wrong." There are opinions that you disagree with and that's more than fine with us. These commentaries are our own opinions. But until you find a factual error, you'd do well not bandy the term "wrong" about.

Obviously your tender-foot feelings were hurt that Kenny was held to artistic standards. He's certainly not held to that in his music (which would have been dubbed Muzak years ago). Yes, he did record a song about a tractor. He's really good about product placement, he's just unable to write a country song.

Who is "like Johnny Cash"? Well Johnny Cash was. In terms of carrying on the path blazed by Patsy, Johnny, Loretta and assorted others, you could look to Steve Earle or Nanci Griffith or any number of people. One of us has seen Loretta, Johnny, Dolly and quite a few others in concert. Your assumption that we know nothing about country music is incorrect unless you mean we lack the ability to appreciate watered-down, imitation country -- in which case you are correct.

For our tastes, one of the finest country songs of the last three decades is Nanci Griffith performing "Once In A Very Blue Moon." You should look that song up if you're interested in country music. As country music moved to win acceptance in "the north" from people who didn't like country music, it had to be watered down. That led to a lot of "Vegas country." "Crossover" songs that had nothing to do with country music but everything to do with sales. Alt-country came along to reclaim the traditions of country music and one of the pioneers in that field remains Rosanne Cash. We both have her latest CD (Black Cadillac) though we're doubting you do. (We could be wrong.)

Over two decades later, you show up with no apparent knowledge of this? We think your "knowledge base" (such as it is) is the sort that leads you to slap your forehead while exclaiming "Man, that's so true!" as you skim your Entertainment Weekly. But don't mistake yourself for knowledgable on country music if you've paraded your knowledge (such as it is) in your e-mail.

What you have demonstrated is that the selling out of country music's roots to appeal to the inner-city cowpokes has damaged the perception (if not the legacy) of a true art form. On Home, which was not a failure, the Dixie Chicks sold less copies than their previous album (which sold less than the album before it -- a fact that escapes Entertainment Weekly writers because they're not too good with facts but they damn sure love their narratives). Part of the reason for that decline in sales was the fact that the Chicks wanted to get back to the roots. It's a strong album and better than anything Chesney can muster, so you might want to try listening to that.

Apparently, the roots aren't real popular in your neck of Connecticut judging by your tossing around Garth Brooks as a wonderful example of country music. Singing with a twang doesn't make it "country music." Nor do huge sales figures. We're guessing that if our review had appeared ten years ago, you'd be citing Billy Ray Cyrus and telling us all about how "country legend" Cyrus helped you discover the aches in your own breaky heart.

You're obsession with "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" is the perfect example of your lack of knowledge. Trust us on this, very few women in the south (non-urban areas) would say, "Mmm, that's man's got a sexy tractor!" That's because a tractor's not a "product." It's equipment used. Anyone owning and using a tractor is quite aware of that even if you and Kenny aren't.

One of us has actually tilled a field with a tractor which we're guessing also puts us one up on you. What's next for Kenny? "She Thinks My Hoe is Sexy"? Rob, that's "hoe," not "ho."

Product placement, name checking a list of "country" topics, can't hide the fact that, although Chesney can play dress up as well as any of the Village People, he can't make country music.

City slicker Rob comes along to give us a lecture about country music? We honestly find that hilarious. Kenny Chesney is a "pioneer" in the same sense that Garth Brooks is -- a marketing pioneer. And just as some mistake sales for talent, some mistake sales for reality.

Genuine country music isn't about product placement or ripping off Sugar Ray. It's about feelings that go beyond a greeting card. It's about fear, it's about loss, it's about hope, it's about resignation, about dreams that come true and dreams that crash and burn. Light weights like Kenny Chesney may get rich off their country-lite imitations but they aren't pioneers.

Rob, are you aware that you name-checked five men in your e-mail but only one woman? You are aware that Faith Hill is not the first or only woman to perform country music, right? In the pop world, there's this notion that women listen to women and men listen to men. That's a false notion but it's even more false in country music where any trip to a honky tonk we'll find you encountering men noting Faith, Trisha, Patti, Roseanne, and many more. (Women tend to cite George Straight year in and year out.) Even the "toughest" cowboy offering to buy "the little lady" a drink, isn't afraid to cite a female singer. They don't think it puts their masculinity into question. However, applauding Kenny Chesney's Barry Manilow-like lyrics might.

Last tip for you Rob, if you ever visit a large honky tonk in the south, a real kickers' club, and you find yourself in the men's rooms wondering where the row of urinals are because you're not seeing them, use the trough, Rob, that's what it's there for. It's not a large, unused planter, it's a trough.