The reason we needed to check in on that is because Tuesday we watched CBS's Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service and all we can say is McHale's Navy it's not. If we didn't grasp that during the first scene where a male NCIS-er and a female NCIS-er pretended to have sex in bed, which involved a lot of the man sliding around on top of the woman, we certainly caught on by the second scene. They're simulating sex, Michael Weatherly's Tony and Cote de Pablo's Ziva. Over and over. They're undercover. This is how times have changed. Whereas in the seventies, Earl Holliman might have played Pepper's pimp when Angie Dickinson went undercover, while stripping several layers of clothes to pretend to be a hooker on Police Woman, these days, everybody has to show a little skin.
And the jokes fly as the NCISers watching them (yes, this is watched, both by the NCIS and by the FBI, it's as though the government's been staffed by a million Ken Starrs!) take a time out, from the long rolling all over the bed, to inform Tony that they can see him, they can see all of him, which leads him to finally close his robe. So he's apparently been naked in bed. And Ziva's kneed him in the groin when she's realized that the something firm against her wasn't his knee.
One of the times they're pretending to have sex (second? third? -- it was hard to keep track), Tony does push ups to make it look like they're having sex. He literally does push ups. If he was attempting to pretend to be a bad lover, he more than succeeded.
But we kept thinking, as they pretended to have sex over and over, exactly what is their country asking of them? Did they know when they joined the Naval Criminal Investigative Service that they'd basically be working vice? And how come no one's worried about this fraternization? Throw in Ziva cupping Tony's groin while hollering out "Package check!" and you've basically got Tailhook all over again.
Like many military shows and movies, they have a military adviser. The armed forces provide those because they think the entertainment makes for good recruitment posters. Apparently Tuesday night's episode was geared to young females considering a career in prostitution but willing to instead give it up for God and country?
Michael Weatherly's packed on a few pounds since the days of Dark Angel. But it looks good on him. So does the fur on his chest. The show's completely unbelievable but it could hold our interest when Weatherly was undressed. But, as Poison reminded us, every rose has it's thorn.
Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service has several thorns, yet only one real rose. Brett Michaels, how could you mislead us like that?
The first prick you get is from the thorn that goes by the name of Mark Harmon. Years ago, gather round kiddies, Mark Harmon actually was picked by People magazine as the sexiest man of the year. Apparently the judges that year had a thing for back hair as well as shoulder hair?
(Thankfully, Harmon did not remove his shirt once in Tuesday's episode.) Now granted, it's hard to fall from such a low perch, but the years have not been kind. We're sure some people will buy the Tom Skerritt vibe Harmon's attempting to work, but, to us, he looks like the fluttering aunt everyone's always avoiding. Like Paul McCartney, each passing year makes Harmon look more and more like Jean Stapleton.
Harmon plays Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs and he's the Barbara Stanwyck of this Big Valley sans koolots. He's got that sexless appeal that's perfect for portraying a TV dad, but the show wants to convince you that he's desirable. That comes off as convincing as "goth" Abby Sciuto which is to say, not at all. Sciuto is played by Pauley Perrette and comes off like Debie Mazar so we're not sure most people will see Sciuto as "goth" -- we're guessing they'll just think it's Long Island with a little extra make up. There are other characters, including a weird science type older man. But the cast really doesn't matter. Take away de Pablo and Weatherly and there's no show. Everyone else oozes "supporting cast" from every pore. That includes Harmon.
The episode revolved around a hit. A couple was hired to kill. Only thing is, they got killed!
Isn't it ironic? (Well someone must have thought so.) So Tony and Ziva have to pretend to be the couple. Someone's obviously spying on the couple so they have to pretend to be a couple beyond the usual holding hands in public. Couldn't they have just drawn the blinds in the bedroom?
We're not suggesting that they should have. Take away the sex scenes between Weatherly and de Pablo and we were pretty much bored. But did the writers set out to show skin or did they just not grasp that by closing the blinds, there would be no reason for Tony and Kate to roll around (repeatedly) on the bed by the window?
Across the street they're being spied upon by a man and a woman who also have sex on the brain and make frequent cracks about it and refer to a past affair they had. We already noted this, but let's mention it again, they're FBI. This is a very curious view of the people who serve the country . . . between humps.
But here's something that was realistic. The FBI didn't know that NCIS was involved. It's that damn Gorelick wall, we're sure. (We'll note, that was sarcasm. And note that it's sad that we have to note that but J-Ass' inflation of the so-called wall, and blaming it on Jamie Gorelick became a talking point that the right-wing really dug their teeth into.)
So NCIS busts into the FBI agents hotel room like Donald Rumsfeld on a tear through Europe.
"Oh my God! You're working for the government! We're working for the government! What are the odds!" is how to describe that scene.
The only thing to do is team up! Which just means that sexual tension between two sets of twos becomes sexual tension between four people and Weatherly's Tony gets to share, upon seeing the FBI agent dressed up as a maid, that he's always had a fondness for French maids outfits.
The female FBI agent, by the way. The writers go with the obvious at every turn.
At some point, it all got so boring once Tony and Ziva stopped pretending to have sex, they're going up and down in elevators and we're thinking, "We saw all this on Hawaii 5-0."
Then Tony and Ziva are captured by the team working for the man who hired the hit men (hit couple?) and knows that Tony and Ziva are not the ones hired. Are you yawning? We were too.
Then somone had a desire for a little S&M so Weatherly got punched in the face. Repeatedly. The sadism wasn't enough for whomever thought this up, they're also into bondage, so Weatherly was tied to a chair during this. He was dressed so we were even more bored.
Ziva gets out of the room (a disc is needed and they pull the usual con job of "it's in our room and only she knows where!" routine), she is rescued. Weatherly's still bound to the chair but this is CBS so, unlike a woman who can be rescued, it's important that he demonstrate he's never not in charge. He manages to subdue his tormentor (while he remains bound to the chair -- just to stress that one more time) and then to assault his tormentor repeatedly (ditto).
Someone goes to a gala. Some other things, offscreen, happen and finally (and mercifully) the episode is ending. Sadly Ziva and Tony don't again attempt to pretend to have sex -- or, for that matter, have sex for real. Weatherly's injured, remember? (He bruises . . . just like a little girl.) So the big issue is, remember this is CBS, who's going to drive him home in
The thought that it might be Ziva (a woman) is postively shocking.
They really don't need the little CBS logo in the corner while airing this program. No one watching would ever think, "Wait, am I watching NBC? Honey, what channel is this?" That's because Navy NCIS has CBS written all over it -- and that hasn't been a good thing since Mary and the gang found out WJM was shutting down shop and Gloria & Mike told the Bunkers they were moving to California.
navy ncis
