"I'll throw my pregnancy weight around the room, but I'm not doing any damn dancing! Get f**king real."
As most of our regular readers know, I've been pregnant. It was not a 'fun' pregnancy. I had morning sickness throughout all nine months. 'Morning' sickness? I had morning,noon, evening and night sickness. On a good day, I had one or two. On a really bad day, I had all four. And with all that hurling, you might think my weight would have stayed low. It didn't. I gained 42 pounds, my ankles swelled and still appear fat.
On the plus side, I've lost 37 pounds. In order to do so, I had to really work out and I utilized over 20 workout DVDs. This article is about the best (two) and the worst (two). Most were of little use. But one thing that stood out about all was that, contrary to popular opinion, working out is not about "dedication" to making the time or whatever, it's about enduring the crap that these videos throw at you. I really need to thank C.I. I usually did my workout at one in the morning. I'd get up around midnight to nurse the baby, then we'd get in the rocking chair, then it was back to the crib and Mommy Me had the best shot at work out time without interruption.
Remember I told you about the crap? The crap is when you're being asked to do something stupid or unnatural and your body rebels and you feel worthless as a result. That's what makes some people stop working out. I was lucky because on those occassional days (and for one week after the absolute worst workout video), I could call C.I. and, thanks to the time difference (she was on the East Coast), I'd catch her as she and Wally were doing their morning run. She would Bluetooh with me, giving me a series of exercise instructions for 25 minutes and then talk me through the cool down all while running with Wally. She understood what I needed, what I was comfortable with and she was far more encouraging.
I needed that so badly because when you're watching one of thse videos, when you're reduced to watching because you've stopped due to your body saying, "I can't do that," you feel like the biggest failure in the world. Obviously, some people can. You've got an instructor on the TV doing it -- maybe some people behind her or him. And they're doing it. So what the hell's wrong with you? Why can't you do it? Why won't your body do that?
That's what causes people to stop working out. I'll return to this topic when I get to the two best but, as they all seem to love to say on their DVDs, "Let's get started."
The absolute worst video workout that you should only wish upon your worst enemy?
The Biggest Loser: The Workout: Power Walk. This is the worst.
In the screen shot above, that's Bob Harper, who leads two of the four workouts on the video, paying mocking attention to the heavy guy. At first, I thought, "Oh, how nice, he's being encouraging." But as he repeatedly smirked throughout the video and made comments to the heavy guy, I was reminded of a sadistic boys basketball coach in high school who used to pick on my boyfriend's little brother. Why? Because he needed someone to pick on in order to feel good about himself. That would be Bob Harper who, you'll note, is wearing dark clothes and you'll see why when he reaches overhead in some exercises. For an average guy, that's an okay body. For a fitness instructer, he's getting a little thick around the middle. And I wouldn't note that if he weren't so damn rude to the heavy guy.
To women? He ignores all the women including the one in the yellow on the left. That's a big problem because he makes her the 'low impact' demonstrator. But in his second workout both he and she frequently forget she's supposed to demonstrating the low impact version. How do you do that?
I'd assume you do that by being in for the money and not for the workout.
His personality is a turn-off, his failure to ensure that there is a low impact version going on in the second video is a turn-off, his inability to do the exercises himself (he likes to walk around for no real reason in the middle of the workouts), his tight-ass carping about not moving your hips during his instructions (which, by the way, for women, would be natural body movement, Bob) and that smug little grin all add up to the worst workout experience you could have.
I had never watched The Biggest Loser, I'm not a fan of reality TV. This video did nothing to make me ever want to watch it.
Alison Davis, by contrast, does have a body that's in shape. And then some. But, I decided while doing her The Firm: Cardio Overdrive, if being in shape required me to talk like an airhead, I think I'd rather be fat. If Bob Harper reminded me of the sadistic high school coach, Davis brought to mind the worst stereotype of a high school cheerleader.
Perky I can take. Chirpy? No, thank you.
She flutters around like a bird with back up dancers. Yes, dancers. That's the only word for it. And they're bad dancers at that. If your goal in life was to be a dancer in a bad Las Vegas revue, The Firm: Cardio Overdrive is the video for you.
"The body moves certain ways," Davis and company appear to have realized, "so let's come up with as many awkward and unnatural moves as possible while beaming and flinging our hair around! Yea, girls!"
There are two workouts on the DVD. If this is your cup of tea, you'll need to watch both at least once before attempting them, otherwise, you'll be completely lost in the 'routines.'
Those were the worst. I can sit here today and dissect them, pointing to their flaws. However, on the days when I finally had to give up on both, I didn't have that ability. I only had self-blame and self-loathing. That I had paid money to feel that way only made it all the worse.
On the recommendation of a woman I met in birthing class, I picked up Crunch: Total Resculpt. I loved this and it was one of the two best workouts I sampled. Kendell Hogan (above) is the instructor and after Bob Harper (and company), it was so great to find someone who seemed to really care about the viewer. He leads a class in the videos here. Hand weights are used in this DVD and that may be a turn off for some people. You can -- and I did when I was too tired to go retrieve them one morning -- do the workout without them but you may (as I did) feel like you're cheating yourself. There are two workouts, all the moves are natural and, again Kendell Hogan is a great instructor. (Thank you to Lynette for her recommendation.)
"Feel good about yourself. And down . . .," instructs Jane Fonda in her Walk Out.
Jane, I'd love to. And you're a woman who's given birth twice, so why the hell did you put me through that second routine? I have massive breasts for the first time in my life, do I really need them flopping and hopping around?
Walk Out comes with a beginners routine and an advanced one. On the beginners, in one week, I lost five pounds. That was the most I lost in any week doing the DVDs. (I lost six pounds one depressed week when I was on the phone to C.I. every morning and she instructed me in workouts Monday through Saturday.) Two pounds was the standard. (I also maintained a diet -- dictated by my doctor, who thought I was too focused on losing the weight.)
On the first routine, I felt good about myself, just like Jane wanted us to. I felt eager to do the walk out. And this was before I had weighed myself at the end of the week. I was so excited about the five pounds I took off and having so much fun with the beginners workout that I decided I'd start the advanced.
Huge mistake. Suddenly, I was no longer in a Walk Out, I was in a dance class. And, point of fact, I don't "love" grapevines. And they may have been around forever (which I take to mean since the sixties), but no one my age has ever done a grapevine on the dance floor.
Now grapevines exist in the beginner's walk out as well. But it's not dance based. The advanced is. And I grew to hate the box step and the grape vine and all the other crap.
Jane Fonda, on the beginner's walk out, not only provides an excellent workout (in fact, the best of all the DVDs I sampled), she reminds the world that she's the woman who did this, the woman who revolutionized the home video industry, the woman who made exercising a national craze.
But then comes the second workout when Jane wants to do what she wants to do. And that's fine and good but don't charge me money for it. Six minutes into the advanced, when Jane's got us doing some hop dance move, I'm not in the mood. A few minutes later when "the pony" shows up, I'm even less interested. And that's before we're doing the box step and then switching it around. And when you think it can't get any worse, Jane wants you to mambo. It's called a Walk Out, not a Dance Out.
I think in the two Walk Outs there's a story about the workout craze in the US and why it peaked and why America became such a fat nation.
Jane Fonda showed up with the original Jane Fonda Workout. And the workout was intense and repetative but everyone could do it (though some of the yoga in the cool down might not have been done to perfection depending on how limber a person was). And that got so many women (and some men) interested in working out, interested in losing weight, interested in increasing muscle, interested in owning their own strength.
And it sold like crazy. First as a hardcover book (later softcover). Then as a vinyl album and audio cassette and, most importantly, as a video cassette. Jane remained a leader in the fitness market and continued to sell with later workouts but the fitness market itself (and Jane's sales) shrank.
Did people just lose interest?
While discussing my weight loss with my mother over the phone, she talked about "doing Fonda" (apparently the phrase back in the 80s) and how a "New and Improved" came out and that was the one she still does. She bought others but they didn't speak to her.
I can understand that because there's a world of difference, for me, between the beginners and the advanced Walk Out. And, as I did background research for this piece, I spoke to several women who made video cassettes back during the national craze. Their feeling, in retrospect, was that some changes were needed due to recognizing the damage to the body that some of the exercises could do. But some of it was about, "Now I'm a dancer!" And the thing to do was to compete with other instructors to see who could be more jazzy or more ballet or more what have you.
You'd think they'd realize that this was sending the audience away. Oh, it kept the core audience. Basically women who buy several workouts every year. But not only did that crap not expand it, it actually helped shrink the industry.
A smart instructor would grasp that if we wanted to be dancers, we'd be taking dance classes. A smart instructor would be attempting to reach the audience.
I am probably part of the largest, most dependable, 'unique' (as they say of web visitors) audience they potentially have: A woman who's given birth and wants to get her body back. If I wanted to dance, I'd be in a dance class. I just want to work out, build up a sweat and lose some weight. Save the frills, save the fancy.
When the challenge was waking up and facing a workout, America was involved. When the challenge became making your body do this or that manuever, the industry changed.
If I'm tough on Jane Fonda, she's the mother of the revolution. She birthed this and she should be more aware of the potnetial problems than anyone. But, my guess, I think today she gets her feedback from people who already workout. She was at her most powerful (and had her biggest sales) when she was speaking to those who didn't.
The beginner's Walk Out does that and provides a great workout. I've recommended it non-stop to friends (Target has the best price for DVD, if you're a downloader, be sure you're doing the beginners*) and it's still the one I do. It's the best of all the ones I sampled. I just wish there was an advanced version that I felt the same about because, as Jane herself says about working out during the beginner's Walk Out, "It will make all the difference in your life."
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*A friend downloaded Jane Fonda Prime Time Walk Out from Amazon after I'd raved about the Walk Out and called me to complain that it "sucked." I apologized and told her why I valued it. And she brought up the pony and how (she liked this part) Jane says, "I used to yell at myself all the time when I did my videos. 'Oh, Jane! Go away already!'" I told her, "Wait, you're doing the advanced." That was the first video on her download, not the second -- it didn't download in order. So be sure you check that if you download the Walk Out. And, again, the beginners Walk Out is the best of all the videos I sampled.