Once upon a time, New Blogger emerged. He looked around the blog world, yes, he was a he, and wondered, "How do I get noticed?" He wanted nothing more than to a blogging net star, just grab your keyboard and learn how to play. Motives, children, can be pure or they can be your downfall.
He walked to the looking pool he'd heard so much of and encountered a few bloggers, self-entranced ones. They snarled. They hissed. They raged. "Why won't Kos notice me!" "Screw Atrios!" "Bill Scher is no Cher!" On and on they raged, the looking pool reflecting their faces distorted with anger, enlarging it.
New blogger studied the group for a moment and then rightly fled.
"Dear Lord," cried New Blogger, "Please don't ever let that be me!"
He ran and ran, trying to get far away from their rising voices.
"Screw them all! Screw them all! Screw them all!"
The chant echoed all around.
Down the path New Blogger ran. And ran. And ran.
Until, nearly breathless he saw, just in front of the woords, a tiny shack shaped like a mouth with a foot in it and painted in shades of dark black and blood red.
Gulping, New Blogger rushed to the door and knocked.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
He waited.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
He paused.
Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.
Finally the door opened. Wearing a sleepy grin, a small round man greeted New Blogger with, "Oh hello. I was sleeping. My name is Dopey. Would you like to come inside and help me Clean These Panties!"
Dopey was short and stocky, with a round belly and a small mind.
Looking around nervously, still hearing the faint chant of "Screw them all!" despite the distance he had traveled, New Blogger nodded.
As he entered the tiny house, he saw various items stacked in piles all around.
"Now where are those panties?" Dopey asked scratching his round belly. "I know they are here somewhere. Will you help me find the panties?"
Nodding, New Blogger began sifting through the mounds of junk as Dopey did the same.
Thirty minutes later, with no panties in sight, New Blogger sighed.
"Maybe all the panties have been cleaned?" New Blogger wondered.
"Nonsense!" hissed Dopey revealing fangs for eye teeth. "If the panties were clean, I would know! I would post at my site! Now you find the panties!"
New Blogger stared at Dopey's fangs, unnoticied prior.
Dopey's eyes narrowed and his lips snarled. His face clenched and his stubby fingers balled into tiny fists. He stamped his right foot, then his left. Throwing his head back, he let loose with a horse-like cry. Bowing his head, his eyes bore into New Blogger while his feet scraped the floor.
"You took the panties!" Dopey exploded. "How can I Clean These Panties! When you have taken them! You took the panties! I will demolish you!"
"B-b-but, Dopey, I did not take the panties."
"Well where are they!" Dopey exploded, the ends of his hair flying upward with the explosive quality of his voice. "You're not suggesting I'm wearing them, are you?"
Dopey undid the button of his tight pants and peered inside. As he did, New Blogger took that as his cue to leave this sad, round bellied, small minded, deranged and bitter man.
Dopey moved to run after him but his pants had fallen to his ankles and Dopey landed on the dirty wooden floor with a loud THUD.
New Blogger ran out the front door without looking back while Dopey cursed and raged
in that tiny kinda scary house by the woods
by the woods
by the woods
New Blogger ran as fast as his legs could carry him.
Through the wood,
through the woods,
through the woods.
Out of breath, he paused and rested with his hands on his knees as he breathed in deeply. Looking around he saw a shiny, yellow metallic sign dipping from a large tree limb. The sign read "BLOG SUCCESS."
He eyed it for a bit. He looked around. He appeared to be alone in the woods.
Carefully and quietly, he approaced the tree in question.
Once he reached for something
Golden and hanging from a tree
And his hand came down empty.
Frustrated, he cried out, "Why?"
"Why? Why? Why?" echoed back through the forest.
All darkened around New Blogger as the clouds folded over the sun.
Saddened and scared, his body began to shake with tears.
Then a series of visions appeared.
New Blogger saw C.I. of The Common Ills, Kat of Kat's Korner, Folding Star of A Winding Road, Jess, Jim, Ty, Dona and Ava of The Third Estate Sunday Review, Rebecca of Sex and Politics and Screeds and Attitude and Betty of Thomas Friedman is a Great Man.
"The muses!" exclaimed New Blogger. "Surely, you can tell me what to do. I am New Blogger and I have just started a blog, a new blog. I would like more visits, more traffic, more readers."
Appraising him with a careful eye, Betty asked, "And what is it you believe in?"
New Blogger thumped his chest and said, "I am of the left! And I have much to offer! Will you help me get the word out?"
"If it's getting the word out," C.I. offered, "then you should go up the mountain to see Jude."
"Jude the Obscure?" questioned New Blogger.
"No, Thomas Hardy please!" groaned Dona.
"No," explained Ava. "Jude of Iddybud."
"People listen to her, for she has earned their trust," explained C.I.
"But," Ty said with a pause for emphasis, "she will ask you the same question that Betty did. The one that you did not answer."
"But I did answer!" exclaimed New Blogger.
"You speak in riddles," sighed Betty. "Not unlike Thomas Friedman. I asked you what it was you believed in?"
"I have much to offer," New Blogger said thumping his chest.
"What is it you refuse to tell us?" asked Jim.
"Nothing. I am of the left."
Jim studied New Blogger carefully.
"Well, I am a Straussian," New Blogger offered finally.
"A what you say!" snapped Rebecca with many other words accompaning her questions, words not suited for a child's fairy tale.
"Hey narrator!" Rebecca said waving a finger at yours truly, "Don't play editor on me, okay? I'm known for my potty mouth!"
"What is a Straussian?" Dona asked Jess.
"A classical composer?" wondered Jess.
"I think it is a One Life to Live fan who misses Robin Strasser as Dorian," decided Betty.
Kat studied him, chewing a blade of grass, for medicinal purposes, and studied him some more. She looked New Blogger up and down, and down and up, right to left and left to right. She circled around him to see both the front and the back. And then the front again.
"You," Kat said finally, "are of the school of Levi-Strauss."
New Blogger proudly nodded a collective gasp went out.
"A neocon!" shouted Ty.
"No, no," New Blogger tut-tutted. "I am of the left."
"Well then you are one of those darn neoliberals!" Rebecca exclaimed again in far more colorful language than is suited for a children's fairy tale.
"Hey Ruth," Rebecca hollered looking up at yours truly, "I'm not kidding. Stop editing me!"
Jim wavied New Bloggger away, 'Be gone. We have no help for you here."
"B-b-but" stammered New Blogger, "I am asking for help. I need it for my own happiness."
"Where in the Constitution or Declaration of Independence does it say you will get happiness?" asked Dona. "It doesn't. It only says you have the right to pursue happiness. Pursue it elsewhere."
"Well," offered C.I., "He may not be of our tribe but --"
"C.I.'s going to say @#!! 'in fairness!' Listen, it's coming!" hollered Rebecca who, reading over her line as written said, "Better Ruth, but still not accurate."
"As I was saying," C.I. began, "In fairness, perhaps we can offer some advice."
"Who the heck are we? Leano Horne in The Wiz?" wondered Ty.
But Jess spoke up:
The rebel cry of desolation
To which we used to harken
Echoes now in isolation
As the skies in fury darken
A thousand acts of desecration
Hundreds more continue
When y'know that you are all creation
You're gonna fight 'em with all that's in you.
"But what does that mean?" asked New Blogger.
Kat sighed and offered:
Oh, and it's a hollow feelin' when
It comes down to dealin' friends
It never ends
Take another shot of courage
Wonder why the right words never come
You just get numb
It's another tequila sunrise,
this old world
Still looks the same,
Another frame,
mm...
"What does that mean!" screamed New Blogger in frustration before unleashing a howl of such fury and magesty it was, for all intents and purposes, a one note opera.
With a serene smile, Ava patted New Blogger gently on the shoulder and declared:
Perhaps the pictures in the Times could no longer be put in rhymes
When all the eyes of starving children are wide open
You cast aside the cursed crown and put your magic into a sound
That made me think your heart was aching or even broken
But if God hears my complaint He will forgive you
And so will I, with all respect, I'll just relive you
And likewise, you must understand these things we give you
Like these flowers at your door and scribbled notes about the war
We're only saying the time is short and there is work to do
And we're still marching in the streets with little victories and big defeats
But there is joy and there is hope and there's a place for you
"Are you telling me what I need to do?" New Blogger whined. "I can't understand what it is I'm supposed to do."
Jim grinned broadly and declared:
I'm going to find myself a girl
Who can show me what laughter means
And we'll fill in the missing colors
In each others paint by number dreams
And then we'll put our dark glasses on
And we'll make love until our strength is gone
And when the morning light comes streaming in
We'll get up and do it again
Get it up again
"Well," sighed New Blogger, "I have no idea how that applies to me, but at least I understood what you were saying."
"Let me lay this down on you then," offered Ty:
Good morn or evening friends
Here's your friendly announcer
I have serious news to pass on to everybody
What I'm about to say
Could mean the world's disaster
Could change your joy and laughter to tears and pain
It's that
Love's in need of love today
Don't delay
Send yours in right away
Hate's goin' round
Breaking many hearts
Stop it please
Before it's gone too far
"What in the world are you trying to say?" asked New Blogger in desperation.
Clearing her throat, Betty replied
Sister, there's a wind that never dies
Sister, we're breathing together
Sister, our love and hopes forever keep on moving oh so slowly in the world
Angela, can you hear the earth is turning?
Angela, the world watches you.
"Who is Angela!" screamed New Blogger. 'None of this makes any sense!"
Folding Star smiled and offered:
Oh I am just a student, sir, and only want to learn
But it's hard to read through the risin' smoke of the books that you like to burn
So I'd like to make a promise and I'd like to make a vow
That when I've got something to say, sir, I'm gonna say it now
New Blogger screamed in frustration, "Say what! I can't follow a word of this!"
Dona nodded and said:
baby, don't look so nervous, they just want the facts
and it’s all written out in the usa patriot act
cause we don't take no chances in a nation at war
so tonight we're gonna party like it’s 1984
oh, honey, what did i tell you about the house being bugged?
they can hear us making breakfast, they can hear us making love
but excuse me a minute- big brother’s at the door
and he’s ready to party like it’s 1984
"You people are crazy! How does any of this help me get linked by BuzzFlash! I can't take anymore!"
"Oh no," declared Rebecca. "I see where this is headed. C.I.'s up next and will get a quote but I'll be #@#!! stuck mopping up after every#@#!!one and having to explain the point!"
Taking a breath, Rebecca looked up at the sky before hollering, "Ruth, I ain't kidding! Stop cleaning up my language!"
"Wy don't you go next," Ty suggested to Rebecca.
"Very well," Rebecca said:
We are all outlaws in the eyes of America
In order to survive we steal cheat lie forge fred hide and deal
We are obscene lawless hideous dangerous dirty violent and young
But we should be together
Come on all you people standing around
Our life's too fine to let it die and
We can be together
All your private property is
Target for your enemy
And your enemy is
We
We are forces of chaos and anarchy
Everything they say we are we are
And we are very
Proud of ourselves
Up against the wall
At which point, New Blogger shook his head in dismay.
"Ruth!" Rebecca yelled, "You cut me off before I got to the f-word!"
"This is all nonsense!" New Blogger hissed impatiently.
"Nonsense?" asked C.I. "Like a Bully Boy who claims God is on his side while he kills and destroys?"
C.I.:
When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women's' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?
"You people are insane!" yelled New Blogger. "Not one word you've said has meant anything! I'm headed up the mountain to find this Jude!"
Ava shook her head sadly, "Oh no, please spare her. She no doubt gets enough wack jobs bothering her. What we're telling you is that you need to know what you believe in. You need to speak what matters to you. If you do that, someone will listen."
Ty added, "Maybe a few, maybe many. But it ain't about becoming rich or famous."
Rebecca nodded and said, "It's about sharing - sharing what matters to you, what means something to you."
"I have been to the looking pool!" New Blogger stated. "I have seen the ravings of jealousy. I have been to Dopey's house, I have seen the bizarre! Now I come upon you and you serve me platitudes! I want a tip sheet! I want guidelines! I want to know how! How! How do I become one of the important voices! Should I copy Atrios or copy Kos?"
Shaking her head sadly, Kat mumbled, "You try so hard to be like the big boys."
C.I. offered, "The world has an Atrios and a Kos. Why would they want a copy?"
"Yeah," said Rebecca, "Outside of Creed, has a sound alike ever really made much of an impact?"
"Harsh but true," laughed Jess. "There's only one Pearl Jam!"
"So be yourself," Ty offered. "And if you're speaking your truth, people will listen."
"That's the biggest load of --" New Blogger stopped speaking and looked to the sky. "Er, candy, I've heard since Field of Dreams! What is that? 'If you build it they will come!' And you were worried about coming off like Lena Horne in The Wiz?"
"Think of home Dorothy," Betty said in her best Lean Horne impression as she patted New Blogger's shoulder.
"And get your Straussian but out of here," Jim advised. "We've done the 'in fairness' bit and then some!"
"You people are nuts!" New Blogger screamed. "You just quote song lyrics!"
"Not true!" replied Jess. "We also write and sing on our own. Hit it gang!"
All together:
You dirty, bitter bore
You're rotten and nasty to the core
You been down on your knees
Had loads of money, but still you wanted more.
That's why you been working for the man,
Making a killing in Saipan.
Tom DeLay, Tom DeLay
What ethics did you break today?
Tom DeLay, Tom DeLay
When they gonna' cart you away?
Tom DeLay, Tom DeLay
Are you looking at a prison stay?
Oh Tom DeLay, Tom DeLay
And with that, we reach the end of our tale. Some lived happily ever after.
___________
Song quotes credited below in the order in which they appeared.
"Black Dove (January)" written by Tori Amos, from the album From the Choirgirl Hotel.
"Tapestry" written by Carole King, from the album Tapestry.
"Time Gone By" written by Carole King, from the album Touch the Sky.
"Tequila Sunrise" written by Don Henley and Glen Frey, from the album Desperado.
"Song to Bobby" written by Joan Baez, from the album Come from The Shadows, collected on the boxed set Joan Baez: The Complete A&M Recordings.
"The Pretender" written by Jackson Browne, from the album of the same name.
"Love's In Need Of Love Today" written by Stevie Wonder, from the album Songs in the Key of Life vol. 1 & 2.
"Angela" written by John Lennon & Yoko Ono, from the album Some Time in New York City.
"I'm Going to Say It Now" written by Phil Ochs, from the album Phil Ochs In Concert.
"1984" written by Anais Mitchell, from the album Hymns For the Exiled.
"We Can Be Together" written by Paul Kantner, from the Jefferson Airplane album Volunteers.
"When the President Talks To God" written by Connor Oberst (Bright Eyes), not currently available on any album.
"Ode to Tom DeLay" written by Jim, Dona, Jess, Ty, Ava, Rebecca, Fodling Star, Betty, Kat, and C.I.