From C.I.'s "Iraq snapshot," FOX "NEWS" parody we no longer have to worry about with Joe stepping aside.
FOX
NEWS ANCHOR IN BLOND WIG (male or female): Deeply disturbing news
tonight as former President Donald Trump accuses sitting President Joe
Biden of being derelict in his official duties.
DONALD
TRUMP: The president of the United States is entrusted with the duty of
protecting all Americans and yet for 280 days five Americans have been
held by the terrorist group Hamas. And Slow Joe has done nothing. He's
talked to Netanyahu? Let me tell you, when I was President, I didn't
talk, I did! And I would have told Bebe to sit down and let me handle it
and I would've handled it. It wouldn't have been 280 days, it wouldn't
have been two weeks. Donald Trump gets things done! America doesn't
let terrorists win! And we certainly don't look the other way while our
fellow Americans are held hostage! I'm not saying Joe's in bed with
the terrorists and sleeping with them but it would explain why he's been
so tired lately. We see you, Sleepy Joe, we see you. Can't rescue our hostages and can't protect the borders.
FOX
NEWS ANCHOR: And now, joining us on life support, and from his iron
lung, Cal Thomas, columnist, author of 10 books and colorer of over 100
adult therapy coloring books. Cal, what do you make of this?
CAL
THOMAS: Why, it's Jimmy Carter's malaise all over again. Tell me, young
whipper snapper, why is it that these Carters and Bidens refuse to
stand up for this country over and over again. Now I thought I'd seen
it all what with them automatic toilets and male Depends that look like
men's briefs but then along comes Do-Nothing Biden and we've got another
Middle East hostage crisis and he doesn't do a damn thing. Not a damn
thing.
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, and --
CAL
THOMAS: And that goes for you too, you young whipper snapper! Where
have you been? When Carter failed America, Ted Koppel went on the air
every night saying it was day whatever of the American hostage crisis.
Where have you been?
FOX
NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you. Cal Thomas, everyone, they're wheeling him out
in his iron lung, Thank you, Cal. Peggy Noonan, columnist and GOP
mystic, joins us now. Peggy?
PEGGY NOONAN: Yes, thank you, Fox News Prime Time anchor whose name I haven't
bothered to learn because you'll be gone in two or so years -- like
Tucker, Megyn and Bill before you. But doesn't Cal look spry? That iron
lung really brings out the steel menace in his eyes.
FOX
NEWS ANCHOR: Yes, yes, it does. But, Peggy, you're famous for your
mystic skills that allow you to talk to dead Democrats and then tell the
world how disappointed the dead Democrats are with the Democrats of today. I
understand you've already done one your psychic readings?
PEGGY
NOONAN: That is correct. Just hours ago, I spoke with former president
Jimmy Carter and he conveyed to me -- exclusively to me -- that he
wants all Democrats to vote for Donald Trump in this election. Mr.
Carter told me that America has to hit and to hit hard and that Mr.
Trump was already prepared to do that; however, his upcoming prison
stint will make him even more prepared as he learns to make shivs out of
femurs and the basics of good toilet wine. Upon release, Mr. Trump will be ready to take
on everything, I was told. And Mr. Carter made clear to me that he sees
Joe Biden as too soft and too lazy to lead and that this hostage crisis
just makes it clear. He said, "Peggy, I beg of you to share my message
from the grave with the world before the election."
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Peggy, former president Carter isn't dead.
PEGGY NOONAN: Oh.
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Moving over to FOX NEWS' own legal non-authority Jonathan Turley. What do you make of this?
JONATHAN
TURLEY: As our blessed Supreme Court has ruled, a president can get
away with anything. And yet Joe Biden has done nothing. Over and
over. And this goes to the party of inertia -- and I can say that because I
pretend to be a Democrat when not helping right-wingers overturn LGBTQ+
rights with bogus arguments and the divine assistance of our blessed
Supreme Court. Biden refuses to act. It's day 360 of this hostage
crisis --
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Day 280.
JONATHAN
TURLEY: That's what I said, day 420, and still nothing from Joe Biden.
Look it's like that Vikki Carr song said, "I've seen fire and I've seen
rain but I've never seen a president cause so much pain" --
FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Vikki Carr?
JONATHAN
TURLEY: Could have been Pat Boone. But it's true, I've never seen a
president cause so much pain. Never. I said never. Ever.
FOX
NEWS ANCHOR: Thank you, Jonathan. It's day 280 of the hostage crisis
and Joe Biden's continued failure as a president, as a leader, as a man,
as a wearer of shoes and someone taking in oxygen on at least a daily
basis. When we come back, Greg Gutfeld will join us with some so-so
observations that we'll laugh at and pretend are humorous. Retired Lt
Gen Michael Flynn will speak to the namby-pamby nature of Joe Biden
which led to this crisis and then our own legal non-authority Jonathan
Turley will be back to offer a commentary about how the media's silence on
this issue is outrageous and every news outlet should be called out --
except, of course, FOX NEWS. And as the news continues to come in,
there were eight hostages. Were. Three are dead and we can pin that on
the failures of President Biden. We must act before the other five are
dead as well. God be with us and praise Supreme Court Justice Clarence
Thomas. Steady and strong, America, steady and strong. We'll be right back.