Dylan e-mailed to note he appears to have a lock on
valedictorian and is already preparing his speech. We say, first and
foremost, congratulations on that honor. We then add a cautionary note
about counting chickens before they're hatched and suggest you see Hillary
Clinton's 2016 campaign for an example of how hubris can bury a win.
But in terms of advice? We're not sure we're the ones to deliver that.
You could find an old copy of SPIN's July 1987 issue and read Sandra Bernhard's graduation address entitled "Congratulations Scum:"
I look out over you and study each face. So smug and contemptuous. Such a lack of enthusiasm. You reek of arrogance and self-importance I'd like to slap off your faces.
[. . .]
You've gotten laid and told everyone about it but deep down it makes you sick.
You've done Ecstasy and talked too much.
You've taken up cigar smoking and learned to be low key.
And once in a while you wake up in the middle of the night with this strange feeling of guilt creeping in, but as you start thinking about it just a little too much, someone from some frat invites you to a "Puttin' on the Hits" party and suddenly you're cruising some girl with big tits, drinking a Corona, and fantasizing about your first gay experience with that guy you keep seeing at the pool.
It might not be upbeat, but it would be memorable.
In case that doesn't work for you, we'll give it a try.
How about: Stay away from hard drugs like cocaine?
And
you can use John Mulaney as an example there. BABY J is his latest
NETFLIX stand-up special. His latest and his worst. He's only 40 but
he's knocked all the natural glow off his face and the make up they used
to try to hide this only made him look laughable. He was a good
looking man before the latest drug bender. Now he's got sallow skin and
his forehead has entered a post-middle age phase that there's no return from. Coke will age you
but who knew it would age someone that quickly?
It's
not just the looks that are off. He struggles throughout the special to find his rhythm and
he's so clearly nervous that his voice is pitched an octave and a half
higher. The voice also seems stuck in his nasal resonators which makes it
sound flat.
A comic flop-sweating and struggling on stage is never funny, just sad. Kind of like the suit they've dressed
him in -- a suit that Pete Davidson is too old to wear.
What other advice could you share?
How about: Listen to your own voice.
If
you listen to The Water Cooler Set, for example, you might skip out on
AMAZON's CITADEL. The action series is from the Russo brothers and that
alone should have viewers streaming. Adding to the positives are a
fast pace, twists and turns and real chemistry between the leads Richard
Madden and Priyanka Chopra. Madden won fans with NETFLIX's BODYGUARD
and Chopra with ABC's QUANTICO. In addition, Stanley Tucci is providing
strong support.
So listen
to your own voice and don't be swayed by those determined to run with
the pack. Stake your own ground. Otherwise, you might find yourself
offering praise to something as sad and pathetic as THE CONNORS and,
three years later, too stubborn to admit your mistake so you're stuck
defending it. Trust us, there are a lot in The Water Cooler Set that
wish they could take back the praise they gave to that floundering and
aimless program.
Maybe you could urge your classmates and other attendees to greet the world with an open heart?
Hate
is so ugly and really belongs to those among the aged who are scared
and frightened. Look at Jonathan Turley. Not content to destroy his
own image with his transphobia, he's also destroying the reputation of
George Washington University. Exactly what so threatens him about
transgender persons? At this point, it's so extreme, we're wondering if
Jonathan grew up thinking he might be a girl? Seriously. He's working
some strong animus. It really seems like he grew up drawn to the
feminine and has had to work really hard to steer himself towards the
masculine -- look at the lips and how they draw down on the sides. To
be clear, we're not saying that is transgender. We're saying he has
some screwed up ideas about what transgender is and we think that's because he
grew up wanting to play with Barbie but wasn't able to and that toy
attraction (and his parents' reaction) led him fear who he really was.
Now he's just an elderly joke. And a national embarrassment.
Many
people grow closed minded in old age. Many. Not all. Gloria Steinem
once argued that women grew more radical as they aged but she can't get
any more aged at this point or any more conformist.
Maybe life robs of you of hope? If so, that makes it even more important to hold onto it for as long as you can.
Maybe
talk about how people can pull together? Offer an example of how your
class pulled together. Or offer an example of how people like Kevin
Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Cyndi Lauper, Gabrielle Union, Dwayne Wade, Sheryl
Crow, Jason Isbell, Hozier, Lizzo, Jacqueline Luqman, Madonna and many
others have stood together to show their support for LGBTQ+ members and
how we all need to work together because, as Diana Ross still sings, "make this
world a better place if you can."
Or
maybe you could just say, "Don't be a Martina Navratilova." The used
up tennis player should be thinking about her legacy. Instead, she
trashes the transgendered -- apparently forgetting how difficult it was
for her when she came out as a lesbian. Martina maintains that she's
just defending women's sports but she's not. She's trashing transgender
people at a time when they are targeted with hate crimes. We really
don't think her sports purity argument trumps the safety of trans
persons nor do we believe hate is a good look for her.
It's
really funny because we remember what happened after Martina came out
(as "bisexual" -- took her many years to admit she was a lesbian) and
how the press pitted her against Chris Evert and Steffi Graf and she
never came out good in the media narratives. We remember some
suggesting that Martina being a lesbian gave her an unfair advantage and
that she shouldn't be allowed to play in women's tennis. That was as
ridiculous then as her own position regarding transgender athletes is
now. Maybe Martina can take a page from Brittney Griner's book.
Maybe talk about how it's a messy world and we all need to work together?
Note
that Tucker Carlson being fired from FOX "NEWS" means there's one less
climate denier on the airwaves. And how strange it was to watch this
middle-aged man repeatedly attack a young woman (Greta Thunberg).
Maybe
talk about how a cabal can plot in private for years, lie to the Senate
and take control of the Supreme Court in order to destroy the fabric of
democracy. Point out that it is an illegitimate court that does not respect
precedent and that has several justices on the bench who are corrupt
and should resign or be impeached.
If worse comes to worse, go to page 106 of the latest VANITY FAIR (May 2023) and crib from the Q&A with author Judy Blume.