When not attempting to fist his own ass while he stares at a screen saver of Barack Obama, one time protest singer Michael Franti occasionally writes a new tune. To discuss that and other issues, we met up with Franti at an out of the way leather bar on Castro street.
Franti looked heavy, probably 25 to 39 pounds more than usual, and wore a t-shirt which read "Kill Snowden." We asked him about the shirt (not the weight gain) and he explained, "Mr. Snowden should die and rot in hell for what he has done to my president. My president is a good man, a great man, and if he spies on us it is not an 'invasion,' it is simply like a parent sticking their head through a bedroom door at night to make sure you are sleeping soundly. I like the idea that Saint Barack watches over me. Sometimes, when I think he's watching, I pull down my tighty whities, roll over and stick my ass in the air. I wiggle it and moan. Just so he'll know it's there if he needs it."
Asked how he reconciles his well known desire for peace with Obama's actions, Franti explained, "I don't. What's so bad about invasion? I would love to be shocked and awed in the middle of the night by my president and his mighty love wand. And if I struggle and he took me by force, all the better. Look, I wasted a lot of time speaking out against war and for peace but when I dropped that nonsense and embraced my inner victim, that's when I found success with some of my shallow thoughts and music."
For all of his running from his only masterpiece, Yell Fire!, it seems Franti can't stop circling back.
"I am working on a political album," he explains. "All People outright flopped so I realize that my superficial phase has come to an end and I'm regrouping with a new political album. It's going to be protest songs, protesting the people who are against my president. I think it's really important to be a mindless lackey who defends the powerful and not the disenfranchised. I see myself as Bob Roberts, you know. I will sing to defend my president. Suddenly, I get -- I really, really get -- all those people I used to make fun of who would scream with joy for Bush. I get it, at last, I get it. Screw the people, worship a president. It's so much more socially acceptable."
"Have you heard of mounding?" Franti asked out of the blue.
We hadn't. Was it a baseball term?
"No, no," he laughed. "It's where they cut open your nut sack, place your penis inside and then sew it back up. That way, you're no longer in charge of your penis. I'd like to do that for Barack Obama, you know, to really let him know he's in charge. I'm all about the surrender these days."
With that, Franti stood and asked if we'd like to hear his new song? We pointed out that he didn't have a guitar and he explained, "No guitars. The whole album's just going to be me and clapping. It's a clap along album filled with clap along songs."
With that, he walked to the center of the bar and, while clapping, unveiled his newest song.
I am a bitch ass
And I f**k over my fans
Because my fans
Don't mean shit to me
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can
Tongue Barack's tiny left ball
While the bombs fall
Yes, I can
Yes, I can
I am a bitch ass
And I f**k over my fans
Because my fans
Don't mean shit to me
Libya,
Lib-lib-lib-Libya
I see the blood flow
But I love the big O
So you don't mean shit to me
Pak-pak-
Pakistanis
Your children die
As the drones fly by
No, you don't mean shit to me
(Spoken)
And in Iraq
Where Barack has thug Nouri's back
I stand with my personal savior
Barack Hussein Obama
Arm in arm saying
(Sing)
Let the blood flow like rivers
Let the women be oppressed
Who cares who Iraqis voted for
Barack knows best
Let the blood flow like rivers
Let the Christians and gays die
Kill a few reporters
Bama's still my guy
I am a bitch ass
And I f**k over my fans
Because my fans
Don't mean shit to me
Back at home,
Back at home
We're all spied upon
From dusk till dawn
Yes, he can
Yes, he can
I am a bitch ass
And I f**k over my fans
Because my fans
Don't mean shit to me
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Yes, this article is a parody.