Today, I, Hilary Rosen, the world's ugliest woman, figured out how to save Barack Obama's campaign. I haven't felt so good about myself since 2011 when I was a paid whore for British Petroleum. F**k you, pelicans! And any other lifeforms that died as well.
So there I was, on YouTube, yet again looking for porn. I had typed in "Wearwolf women" because I like a hirsute gal, and I ended up clicking one of those videos on the side of the one I picked to play and four clicks later I was seeing this old 2007 video of Mitt Romney.
So I'm watching it and I'm saying, "Hot damn! This is better than when I nailed that 96-year-old granny for illegal downloading!"
He was talking about abortion and as a woman who sleeps with other women, abortion is a very important issue to me. I reserve the right to have a say in the fetus that my girlfriend carries following artificial insemination. Abortion is like probably my main issue as a voter. I can't think of anything that personally effects my life more.
I was unable to keep my own relationship together. Sadly, it's not easy to wear a rubber mask 24-7. And who could blame my ex when she finally saw my face. I don't kid, I'm an ugly woman. And always reaching in my blouse and scratching my nipples while I talk. I think of it as an endearing character trait but most people tend to roll their eyes.
Any-who. There I was with an abortion video.
But even better, he's talking religion.
And you know how I hate religion.
Almost as much as I hate Ann Romney.
So I'm thinking, "I'll pretend I'm posting it because of abortion, but really it's to make his religion seem freaky."
And I'm feeling really good about myself. That's not easy to do when you look like me.
So I saved Barack's campaign and also made me feel good about me. So good, in fact, that I think I squirted a little. Down there. I can't help it. I was looking in the mirror and realized that if you plopped a blond wig on Nathan Lane -- and 50 extra pounds -- he'd look just like me. I'm hot, baby! Hot like a TV star!
Woo-Hoo!