Who are the Wakes?
Well they're not the Wakes. They're the Sovens -- Phil and Bob. Phil, 23, is the older brother and also a wakeboarding champion.
A who and a ha?
Wakeboarding is one of those sports most likely dreamt up on a Mountain Dew buzz in the late 80s and perfected on a Josta high in the 90s. Extreme Sports Cafe explains the sport, "Wakeboarding is a surface water sport which involves riding over the surface of a body of water. The rider is on a small board and is towed by a motor boat, and attached by a cable. Wakeboarding is like a comination of snowboarding, waterskiing and skateboarding or a cross between mono skiing and surfing." Or, to non-sports enthusiasts like ourselves, like watching someone learning to ride a bike by someone pushing them and then letting go to see if the rider will stay up on their own or crash.
Meanwhile Bob Soven's hair, like wakeboarding, was thought up in the latter half of the 80s. It's not often that you find a man brave (or foolish) enough to attempt to revive Madonna's Desperately Seeking Susan hair-style. Bad hair is hardly Bob's most pressing problem though the way he obsesses over it, he may think it is. If he's not wondering if he should wear it in a pony tail, he's referencing its "ginger" color or assuring his brother that, despite the red on top, his pubes are black.
If you're thinking, "Brother or not, I wouldn't need to know that," you've got Phil's reaction -- to the pubes, to everything.
Bob Soven is supposed to be an athlete and he thinks he's incredibly sexy. But when we meet him, he's 17 and whining about losing his "v-card." If there's anything worse than a horny virgin, it's one who can't stop whining about it.
And other than braying, whine is the only other emoticon Bob possesses. He's like a big Irish Setter with a weak bladder, forever hopping around, knocking into one thing or another.
In present day, he informs the camera and the world that he lost his virginity last July. He did it with a woman who claimed she didn't remember it the next day. "But it still counts!" he boasts failing to grasp that's not exactly one for the resume. Nor is one woman in three years really testifying to his appeal.
And if you want to get laid in the near future, probably a good idea not to be a moron on national television plotting how to rub against the boobs of a woman your brother got you set up with. But why expect him to act sexy or even just mature when women aren't around when he doesn't have a clue how to interact with a woman?
Morgan is the name of the woman Phil's girlfriend fixes him up with. And the foursome go out on one of the most uncomfortable dinners of all time followed by the hot tub. But Bob's got another idea. He wants Morgan to get into the pool with him. Despite her clear reluctance, he pushes for it and then, once she's standing in part of it (so shallow, it's not even up to her knees), he runs up behind her, grabs her and body slams her into the deep end.
And is then surprised when she tells him she hates him and he's convinced that all he did wrong was get her hair wet. Jethrine Bodine had a more genteel courtly manner.
And if you think you're getting how annoying Bob is, you still don't know the half of it. Despite his brother being a title holder and him being title-less in the sport, he can't stop telling Phil he's old, over the hill, the past. And when you factor in that Bob's living in the house that Phil's winnings built, Bob becomes even more annoying. In addition, he's decided to become best friends with Phil's professional and personal nemesis Rusty Malin.
The friendship between 20-year-old Bob and 28-year-old Rusty has all sorts of bizarre overtones to it. Never more so then when Phil's girlfriend stays over and, the next morning, Rusty and Bob plot how to get into the bedroom and pull the sheets off the sleeping couple. (Because it's 'reality' TV and not reality TV, Phil and his girlfriend aren't naked under the sheets.) Intentionally or not, Rusty comes off like the registered sex offender you just got a mailing on because he's moved into the neighborhood. Bob just comes off pathetic.
And did we mention the stupidity? Not just the immaturity, but the stupidity.
Although Bob has no title, he pretends like he does and when Phil busts him on it, declaring it's "self-proclaimed," Bob -- clearly having no idea what "self-proclaimed" means -- responds, "At least it's proclaimed!" It's at times like these that you wish these 'reality' TV performers had to appear at a competency hearing before stepping in front of the cameras.
Is Phil perfect?
Not at all but all he needs to do is just stand next to Bob and he shines. In fact, you start to wonder if that's not the reason Phil moved Bob into the house to begin with -- the old by-comparison bump in popularity.
In films, starting with silents, Edgar Kennedy (Brown of Harvard, Tillie's Punctured Romance, Duck Soup, Twentieth Century, Anchors Away and Unfaithfully Yours) became master of the slow burn. What Kennedy did for film, Phil Sloven just might do for 'reality' TV.
But will they yell "Cut!" when exasperation boils over into something greater?
Because you know he's going to blow.
Mount Phil puts up with so much in the first episode alone that the only reason to continue watching is the expectation that he's got to erupt at some point and that it's going to be something to see. Though it may make for good 'reality' TV, let's hope Phil and Bob remember that -- barring their borrowing the practice of siblicide from the great blue herons -- they're pretty much stuck with each other for life.