What can I do to keep from looking blotchy in photos and at the ceremony?
About to be married
A thick, heavy veil can conceal many flaws and help steer the attention to where it should be: The groom. It is, after all, his big day and not yours. Blessed Nouri.
I am 13 and in the eighth grade. I have always had trouble sleeping. Every night it takes me an hour to fall asleep, and lately I haven't been able to sleep at all. I have started taking pills that make you drowsy so I can get some sleep. My mom doesn't know about the pills. I'm scared to keep on doing this. I have told my mom about my sleep problem, and she tells me to read. She won't take me to the doctor because she thinks my problem is normal. Mookie, this isn't normal.
What can I do?
Sleepless
What you may be experiencing is a calling. Possibly your body, as it matures, is realizing that your true lot in life is to be a suicide bomber. See the refusal to sleep as the ticking of a bomb. Doesn't that make sense? If you agree with me that it makes sense, immediately come to my headquarters in Sadr City so we can outfit you. Praise be Nouri.
I am an 18-year-old straight male. I have a hodgepodge of birth defects that affect my genitalia: severe hypospadias (my urethra—my piss slit—is at the base of my penis), micropenis (less than two inches), and anorchia (I was born without testes). I have never been naked around anyone else. I don't really like being naked by myself, to be honest.
Lately, my sex drive has skyrocketed. It is driving me up the wall. Couple this with the fact that women see me as attractive, and I'm not doing well. Sexual situations are presenting themselves to me and there's nothing I can do. I've recently started college, and it's endlessly frustrating to see my friends having relationships and being sexually active. I know that casual sex/flings will never be an option for me, but I am dying over here!
Messed-Up Junk
You certainly appear to have a lot of problems. But, after all, sometimes problems are really qualifications. For example, what makes you unhappy in this life could lead to blessings in the after-life. Have you ever, per chance, considered life as a suicide bomber? You will get to (briefly) travel and (briefly) meet people. If you think you might be interested, come to my headquarters in Sadr City and we will outfit you. Nouri is always on mind, Nouri is always on my mind.
I'm a 27-year-old straight guy. This girl I work with is everything I want in a partner. We've been flirting at work and on Facebook, and it's getting to the point where one of us has to make a move. But she's already got a boyfriend. I've been the guy who gets cheated on, and I won't do that to someone else. Also, I've recently been promoted and I'm now her immediate superior. She's a shit employee: lazy, rude to customers, and last week I had to call her on a really basic mistake. Despite these complications, I want to make a real move on her. But how do I get around these issues?
Frustrated In Sydney
What is this? "Shit employee." Why would you want to work with anyone who touches crap all day as part of her job? If you think you might be interested in a new job, we should talk. For now I would advise you that if she's flirting with you and has a boyfriend, she is a libertine, an infidel. So I advise you to stop the yapping. And if I have learned anything from my years of hiding in Tehran it is that, "Words may heal but stones kill." Take that under advisement. Blessed Nouri watch over us.
My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate, like three tablespoons' worth. The only thing I can think of is getting him most of the way there and letting him come on my face. Any advice on how I can do this for him?
GGG Sex Partner
Obviously, the first question you need to ask is rather basic: How many calories are in cum? After that you should ask, "Can I afford them?" I try to remember that our blessed Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki is someone who should be pleased and pampered. So when he makes the request, I tell myself I'll have baked falafels for the rest of the week, not fried, and make up the rest of the difference with some low-impact tap routines. Tasty Nouri.
[Illustration is Isaiah's "What Passes For Progress."]