Once upon a time there were two would-be-comedians.
But they got no laughs with their material.
They got plenty of laughs just walking down the street.
They were the type of men praising Joan Baez in the '60s' while slamming Jane Fonda. Baez went to Vietnam as well (as did many others) but she was the madonna and, later, madonna with child. Fonda, though also a mother, presented herself as a contemporary woman and that was too much for the little Chicken Comics.
The Chicken Comics never did a thing to end the illegal war on Vietnam.
Nor did they serve.
They used college -- years and years of college paid for by their mommys and daddys -- to avoid Vietnam.
Not only was 'Nam and the peace movement too tough for the Chicken Comics, they couldn't even cut it in NYC. They fled soon after college cursing about a "circle jerk of pseudo intellectual nonsense" because it's always difficult when no one wants you, when no one likes you, when everyone just wishes you and your yokel asses would hit the road.
They cheered useless Democrats and praised 'civility' in Republicans. They were caught completely unaware in 1993 because they didn't know a damn thing about the world.
They were useless then, they are useless now. They truly believe that everything changed when Bill Clinton was sworn into office.
They were silent about the tarring of Michael Dukakis, they were silent about Iran-Contra. They were the as 'useful' as Lee Hamilton -- if even more physically unattractive.
Having done nothing all their adult lives but fail repeatedly, when Bill Clinton and Al Gore were attacked, they decided they'd get serious.
Serious was attacking Joe Wilson because Matt Cooper was their best friend. Matt Cooper who wouldn't fork over Karl Rove's name to Patrick Fitzgerald before the 2004 election. Matt Cooper who would write at Time (before they canned his ass) as if he was just a disinterested party. Matt Cooper who would roll over on Scooter Libby but maintained that he wouldn't give up the other source. When it was time for Cooper and Judith Miller to face jail or fork over names, Matt Cooper claimed a new release! His source had released him. Karl Rove and Karl Rove's attorney always maintained they'd done nothing differently.
So reality was Matt Cooper was afraid of spending time in the big house.
But Joe Wilson came forward in the summer of 2003 and it would be almost two years before Matt Cooper finally told the truth. In the meantime Chicken Comics would trash Joe Wilson and call him a liar. They would rip apart his image 'daily' and repeat Republican talking points about him.
Joe Wilson's only crime was that he told the truth. For doing so, the administration outed his wife, Valerie Plame, as a CIA agent.
But Chicken Comics didn't give a damn about that, they just needed to protect Matt Cooper because Matt Cooper was a friend and, most important, a Clintonista.
That's all the Chicken Comics have ever done, protect their buddy Bill Clinton and the boys who worked for him. That's why issues like Iran-Contra don't interest them and they can lie and say everything changed in the press with Bill Clinton.
They aren't very smart and tend to get "snippy" when a real media critics, one with years of experience, such as Nora Eprhon points out some basic realities. Then it's time to attack Nora and provide a partial resume for Eprhon. They're unaware that she was the media critic for Esquire. They're unaware that before they ever burped up yesterday's TV dinners from their Lazy Boys, Ephron was offering hard hitting media criticism in Esquire and More.
They believe Bill Clinton created the world when he was sworn into office in January 1993 and they believe they are the true fighters.
So they attack women who point out reality. They attack Barbara Boxer, they attack Janeane Garofalo, they attack Jane Mayer, they attack Arianna Huffington, they attack any and all women. Over and over.
They're still hurting that they couldn't hack it in NYC so every now and then they'll attack someone with The New York Review of Books.
And of course one Chicken Comic especially enjoyed sending threatening, stalking e-mails to women. Apparently upset when he finally grasped that he could never have Rebecca (who re-married her ex and they now have a child), he turned his attention to C.I. and offered the most vile and disgusting rants, offered threats and abuse.
The Chicken Comics are threatening but useless. No sooner was the 2004 election over than the one who fancies himself a 'sage' was telling any periodical that would listen how the 2004 election was better in terms of press coverage than the 2000 election. Really? Because in real time that wasn't what the 'sage' said when he infamously fired off his e-mail -- when confronted with his rudeness about Janeane Garofalo -- saying he wasn't baking brownies.
The 2004 election saw Republicans, at their GOP convention, wear band-aids with purple hearts drawn on. They mocked those who had been awarded Purple Hearts and did so while the nation was engaged in an illegal war.
The 2004 election saw the administration issue phony terrorist alerts to undercut Democratic chances, as Tom Ridge would reveal after he left the administration.
There was much, much more.
All Al Gore got was being called a liar repeatedly.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
When the press called him a liar, he tried to 'high road' it by conceding points.
That's not how you work with the press.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
He picked Joe Lieberman (six years later, no longer even a Democrat in name only).
If anyone had a more annoying speaking voice than Al Gore, it was Joe Lieberman. Maybe he was picked to make Gore look better?
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
He was part of the administration from 1993 to 2000 but he ran from Bill Clinton.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
He was part of an administration that truly wasn't an environmental one.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
When he should have demanded a total recount, he didn't.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
When James Baker and others put out the lie that the votes had been 'counted and counted,' he failed to speak up and point out that the votes hadn't been counted, that a large number of votes were never counted.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
Jess Jackson was sent out of Florida because no one wanted to make it 'about race' . . . after Republicans had already made it about race by disenfranchising African-American voters in Florida.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
He refused to fight for the election he won. When the electoral college results were being tabulated he refused to even recognize House Democrats who appealed for the issue to be noted.
Al Gore destroyed his own campaign.
He was the perfect victim. Willing to concede the press might have a point when they called him a liar. Willing to call for patience while Republicans fought like their lives depended upon the 2000 election.
Al Gore, not Ralph Nader, destroyed his own campaign.
Al Gore won the election and if he was any kind of a fighter, he would have been sworn in as president.
These days some are confused because Gore makes some statements about the environment. Whether he had the 'character' or not to be president, he didn't have the strength to fight for it.
One more wimpy Democrat wanting the public to rise up for him when he wouldn't even stand for himself.
The Chicken Comics think if they scream loud enough, facts will fall away.
They think if the scream "LIAR!" at Joe Wilson loud enough, everyone will believe Wilson was the guilty party and Matt Cooper will have another shot at a journalistic career.
They lie because they have to. It's all they can do. They are Clintonistas determined to make sure their 'clan' grabs as much power as possible.
Once upon a time, there were two dumb asses. They lived as dumb asses, they died as such. Their tombstones read: "Scared little babies who left the world much too late after doing years of damage."
The world celebrated their deaths. The world applauded them.
In a freak accident, as they rushed to tongue bathe a Clintonista too quickly, their tongues interlocked. Being homophobic, they immediately flew into a sexual panic and attempted to rip their tongues apart. Like a turkey wishbone that breaks on both ends, their tongues fell out of their mouths leaving gaping wounds from which they quickly bled to death. Many saw it as fitting.