Hey Baby Cheney-Poe, we're sure you're adorable and that after you grow some hair and can pick out your own clothes (we're sure your grandparents Cheney gifted you with the "WAR" t-shirt), you'll look nothing like your grandfather.
But we want to set you straight, no pun intended, early on so the hurt that's going to come can be prepared for.
Now you have two mommies and that can be a good thing. Mary Claire Cheney and Heather Poe probably love you a great deal.
They've already been together for fourteen plus years so, chances are, it's an established home that will be warm and welcoming.
But sometimes you're going to leave your home.
Now we're sure your mothers have told you that some strangers can be close-minded and get upset that you have two mommies. If it helps any, just write it off as jealousy -- they may have only had one mommy.
But we don't want to warn you about strangers because strangers you can avoid.
We want to warn you about your family. After that interview in 2000 with Cokie Roberts, your grandmother Cheney appears to be in some serious denial. When you're around her, don't call Mommy Poe, "Mommy." Call her "Mommy's friend." If Granny Cheney is cranky, watch how you say "friend."
If Granny Cheney gets to be too much of bitch, just slap a copy of her book Sisters down in front of her and ask her to read to you from that.
Now there's Gramps Cheney. He's the one with almost as little hair as you. It's okay to call him Grumps Cheney. That old stick in the mud is always disappearing into bunkers and never letting you tag along to play.
You know how Grumps gets angry with you when you cry and starts 'teasing' about having Homeland Security run a check on you and how he understands there are playpens in Guantamo? Well, don't worry. He's not really talking about you.
He's projecting.
Yes, that is a big word.
Pro-ject-ing.
It means he accuses others of doing what he does.
In 2004, when John Kerry brought up your mother's right to live the life she was born into, your Grumps got so angry and mad. He said, "You saw a man who will say and do anything to get elected." He didn't want people to know that Mommy Cheney loved Mommy Poe. And Grumps truly would say anything to get elected -- and, honestly, has.
When you're out in public with your mommies and with Grumps and Granny Cheney, you need to understand that Grumps is going to explode if you say they are both your mommies. In fact, instead of calling Mommy Poe "Mommy's friend," you might try calling her "an old family friend."
Now if you're out in public and both grandparents Cheney explode, you can expect Granny to say that Mommy Cheney has never declared anything about her private life and you can expect Grumps to scream and holler until he grabs his chest.
What you can't expect is for Mommy Cheney to speak up for you or for Mommy Poe.
Maybe she's shy.
But the truth is, anytime anyone might have counted on her publicly, they've been disappointed.
In fact, saving herself from mythical terrorists was more important to her than telling the world that she loves Mommy Poe.
Now sometimes Grumps and Granny are going to throw parties. You might think that because it's all friends and family, things will be much easier?
It won't be.
At those, not only are you not allowed to say you have two mommys, you also need to say that Mommy Cheney adopted you.
How come?
Well . . .
See, a woman loving a woman freaks out some of your grandparents' friends.
Yes, Uncle Man On Dog is one of them.
When you're older, we'll explain how he got that nickname.
But right now, you need to know that not only does two women in love freak out some of your grandparents' friends, but so does single mothers.
Yes, you have two mommys, but remember you can't say that.
And Mommy Cheney can only be a single mother if she adopted.
How come?
Well they don't like it when single women have babies. In fact, the Republican vice-president before Grumps couldn't shut up about the topic.
Yes, Dan-Dan. We bet he is fun to play with and we're sure you will teach him the alphabet.
Who can you tell?
Honestly, we don't know. We hope your grandparents Poe, we hope when you're around them, you don't have to pretend you're adopted and that you don't have to pretend that your parents are just friends.
But even if that's the case, you can only do that around them, in their house. If you do it outside of the house and anyone else hears, you know Grumps and Granny Cheney will have a fit.
No, honey, it doesn't seem right. But it doesn't seem right that when Grumps sings you to sleep, he changes the words in "Mockingbird" to:
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
No one knows if no one heard.
But if it looks like you might do time,
Grumps get'll you in the presidential pardon line.
What else can we tell you except: thems the breaks. Sorry, kid.
But we want to set you straight, no pun intended, early on so the hurt that's going to come can be prepared for.
Now you have two mommies and that can be a good thing. Mary Claire Cheney and Heather Poe probably love you a great deal.
They've already been together for fourteen plus years so, chances are, it's an established home that will be warm and welcoming.
But sometimes you're going to leave your home.
Now we're sure your mothers have told you that some strangers can be close-minded and get upset that you have two mommies. If it helps any, just write it off as jealousy -- they may have only had one mommy.
But we don't want to warn you about strangers because strangers you can avoid.
We want to warn you about your family. After that interview in 2000 with Cokie Roberts, your grandmother Cheney appears to be in some serious denial. When you're around her, don't call Mommy Poe, "Mommy." Call her "Mommy's friend." If Granny Cheney is cranky, watch how you say "friend."
If Granny Cheney gets to be too much of bitch, just slap a copy of her book Sisters down in front of her and ask her to read to you from that.
Now there's Gramps Cheney. He's the one with almost as little hair as you. It's okay to call him Grumps Cheney. That old stick in the mud is always disappearing into bunkers and never letting you tag along to play.
You know how Grumps gets angry with you when you cry and starts 'teasing' about having Homeland Security run a check on you and how he understands there are playpens in Guantamo? Well, don't worry. He's not really talking about you.
He's projecting.
Yes, that is a big word.
Pro-ject-ing.
It means he accuses others of doing what he does.
In 2004, when John Kerry brought up your mother's right to live the life she was born into, your Grumps got so angry and mad. He said, "You saw a man who will say and do anything to get elected." He didn't want people to know that Mommy Cheney loved Mommy Poe. And Grumps truly would say anything to get elected -- and, honestly, has.
When you're out in public with your mommies and with Grumps and Granny Cheney, you need to understand that Grumps is going to explode if you say they are both your mommies. In fact, instead of calling Mommy Poe "Mommy's friend," you might try calling her "an old family friend."
Now if you're out in public and both grandparents Cheney explode, you can expect Granny to say that Mommy Cheney has never declared anything about her private life and you can expect Grumps to scream and holler until he grabs his chest.
What you can't expect is for Mommy Cheney to speak up for you or for Mommy Poe.
Maybe she's shy.
But the truth is, anytime anyone might have counted on her publicly, they've been disappointed.
In fact, saving herself from mythical terrorists was more important to her than telling the world that she loves Mommy Poe.
Now sometimes Grumps and Granny are going to throw parties. You might think that because it's all friends and family, things will be much easier?
It won't be.
At those, not only are you not allowed to say you have two mommys, you also need to say that Mommy Cheney adopted you.
How come?
Well . . .
See, a woman loving a woman freaks out some of your grandparents' friends.
Yes, Uncle Man On Dog is one of them.
When you're older, we'll explain how he got that nickname.
But right now, you need to know that not only does two women in love freak out some of your grandparents' friends, but so does single mothers.
Yes, you have two mommys, but remember you can't say that.
And Mommy Cheney can only be a single mother if she adopted.
How come?
Well they don't like it when single women have babies. In fact, the Republican vice-president before Grumps couldn't shut up about the topic.
Yes, Dan-Dan. We bet he is fun to play with and we're sure you will teach him the alphabet.
Who can you tell?
Honestly, we don't know. We hope your grandparents Poe, we hope when you're around them, you don't have to pretend you're adopted and that you don't have to pretend that your parents are just friends.
But even if that's the case, you can only do that around them, in their house. If you do it outside of the house and anyone else hears, you know Grumps and Granny Cheney will have a fit.
No, honey, it doesn't seem right. But it doesn't seem right that when Grumps sings you to sleep, he changes the words in "Mockingbird" to:
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
No one knows if no one heard.
But if it looks like you might do time,
Grumps get'll you in the presidential pardon line.
What else can we tell you except: thems the breaks. Sorry, kid.