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What I Didn't Find In Iraq
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By Bully Boy
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What I didn't find in Iraq.
I did not find the twins drunk and topless and that was a big relief to me & Laura.
I did not find Osama bin Laden but you can't find what you ain't looking for so no harm-no foul, you feel me?
I did not find roses strewn in my path. I kept going "Strewn? What's that mean, Condi? You paid attention in school?" She told me to think of it like "thrown." Those Iraqabs speak really funny. Me and John-Boy Cornyn been talking about an English Only amendment to the Iraqi Constitution. If they're going to be Americans, they need to learn to talk the language.
I did not find my mama even though Daddy will sometimes tell her, "Barbara, you are as ugly as Saddam's ass." Ha-ha-ha. That always cracks me up. It's like they're Frank & Marie and I'm Ray. I'm so cool. Family values rock!!!! Mama gives as good as she gets. Like sometimes she'll go, "George, how would you know what Saddam's ass looks like? Is there something you need to tell me? Is there anyone you didn't cheat on me with, you g**damn, c**k sucking, ass f**king, d**k licking, mother f**ker!" Mama cracks me up. I like how she and Daddy can joke with each other. Real wholesome. Sometimes she'll let loose like that on the front pew and everybody in church will stare. We're so awesome!
I did not find Waldo. But I looked real hard.
I did not find a road map. Condi & Donnie kept telling me, "You'll find the road map to the middle east in Iraq, sir." I kept asking, "Couldn't we just stop at a Texaco?" They'd go, "No, sir." I never got it but kept asking coz it's fun to say "Texaco." Tex-uh-co. It's kinda like Texas, ain't it? Say it with me: Tex-uh-co. Cool. I also kept asking coz I like to hear them call me "sir."
Laura kept asking me "Did you find close-your?" I kept asking, "Close your what? I know you don't mean my mouth coz I ain't even eating right now!" I never did get that. She'd roll her eyes, light another Pall Mall and spend all night pacing and muttering "What am I going to do about that fool?" I wish she'd tell me his name. I'd take care of him for her. I'd totally white phosphorus his ass. Couples should be able to talk.
I did find oil! I finally found oil, like I told Daddy, I finally found me some oil. They were calling me "Dry Well Bully" and that was really starting to hurt especially when Jeb was going on and on about how he had three kids and I only had two kids and his wife with the funny name has had three pregnanices and Laura's only had one . . . I go, "Jeb, I don't know. Forty people got on the bus at the third stop? Math is hard, you're frying my brain, dude." I was just happy that no one could call me no Dry Well no more. Jeb goes something about "That's like slant oil drilling" and I go "I ain't no slant oil and if I was, we got the same mama, mister, so then you're one too!" He goes, "How did this idiot get in charge?" and I go, "Who? Somebody getting on your nerves, bra? Point him out and I'll take care of him." Jeb's such a joker. He points at me and I laughed 'til I peed my pants. Even off the booze, my bro still cracks me up.
I found out that war is hard work. Somedays I only got a half-hour nap and boy was my butt dragging for the rest of the day.
I found out this country needs something like unlisted addresses. You know, like unlisted phone numbers? Everytime I went down to my ranch to get a little rest that Cindy Sheehan would be out there. I asked Dick if I could have his undisclosed location and he got all hard ass and goes, "It's not a time-share."
I did not find relief. That's cause Ari Fleishel kept going, "You have to wear it, sir!" And I was like, "What's a cod-piece? Sounds like a piece of fish." But I put it on for when we landed and I gave my speech in front of the pretty banner. Damn thing was so itchy, I couldn't wait to get it off. But it's real popular coz not only did Chris Matthews drool over it, Condi and Scotty were fighting over who got to keep it. I go, "Hey now, let me get out of it before you put your hands on it." They arm wrestled and Condi won so Scotty's been real mopey ever since. I was angry coz it was itchy when it was on and I had a bad rash when I got it off. I had to put cream on my junk for 6 weeks and it was a mess. Condi helped me out by shaving my man hairs down there. I go, "Should you be doing this?" and she goes "Sir, I am quite sure Alexendar Haig used to do it for Ronald Regan." She put all the hairs in a plastic sandwish bag and goes that she was giving it to Clarence Thomas "as a joke."
I did found out about mistakes. Here was a big doozy of a mistake I made: right at the start, I said that I was going to sacrifice too. I said I'd stop eating desserts. That's the main reason I declared "End of major combat operations." It was killing me to go without sweets. People don't know how hard that is. It was a huge sacrifice, way huge, and so tough. War is hell. That's why I declared it over in May of 2003. Back to the sweets!
So it's been a crazy up & down ride, learning experience for all of us.
Oh. Despite all the pre-war claims, I didn't find weapons of mass destruction. But, like with Osama, but you can't find what you knew was never there. You feel me?
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Bully Boy is a twice unelected war criminal.