Conviction. Is that what we watched on NBC? It's the latest nonsense from Dick Wolf and it's gone through a number of titles before premiering Friday night. We liked the Young Prosecutors best of all the aliases, er, titles. Young Prosecutors gave it a sort of The Bold Ones/The New Doctors/The Lawyers/The Protectors type feel and told you immediately that this tired show would be dead on arrival.
Which it was. Who killed it? A title card says the episode was written by Rick Eid but we'd argue many a Dick Wolf series plays as if it had been still born in the mind of the creator who refuses to give either himself or the public a day of rest. This one is so bad, it may make you long Law & Order: Trial by Jury. (Then again, that nostalgia may result from the fact that this show uses the same sets as that cancelled show.)
Over the opening credits, you hear "Destiny" by Syntax. This song from 2004, which has become popular in trailers, sounds like a really bad version of "How Soon Is Now" (aka the Smiths song -- also know, as recorded by Love Split Love, as the theme to Charmed):
This is my intention hear me now
Don't need correction please me how
Breaking out the institution crazy law
Ain't no complication live for more
What that has to do with the show, only Dick Wolf knows. It mainly seems to exist to keep you from noticing the seven billed performers too closely -- as though the criminals were attempting to blend in to their surroundings and avoid being easily picked out of a line up.
If you didn't catch their real names, you're out of luck figuring out what to call them during the broadcast because the first time you'll hear one of the characters' names said (Peluso) will be ten minutes in and it's a long wait until the second name gets mentioned.
Why is that a problem? Well, it's not for Stephanie March or J. August Richards -- she's the only blond in the cast of seven and he's the only person of color. You can pick them out rather easily. That still leaves five. Three men and two women. Prepare to be confused.
Before you get to the opening credits, you've already been drug through various "moments":
1) A woman's been raped, and two lawyers discuss her. Dark haired man tells dark haired woman, "She's a hooker. Getting attacked is an occupational hazard."
2) Dark haired man in a hat, looking like a young Michael York from some angles, is treated to tale of a kid who killed his brother with a baseball bat. We also see him, without the hat, putting a shirt on over his undershit in a scene that seems to exist for no reason other than to fill time. (No skin is shown in that set up. But wait on that for later.)
3) Dark haired man is told that there's been "an assault with a hate crime twist." As opposed to a lime twist? "High school kid kicked the hell out of some gay boy." Broken cheek bone. 15 stitches.
4) Dark haired man is told that they need a "tranny" for a line up and if he put on a wig and a dress, he'd do. Man does put on a dress. Comes out of the office after changing only to have the entire office laugh at him. Including a dark haired woman who yells "Woo-woo-wooh!" It was all a prank.
And this is all before the opening credits, in different locales, with characters we've never met and aren't introduced to. If Dick Wolf thought he had an ER opening on his hands, he was mistaken. Corpses don't end up in the emergency room, they go to the morgue.
Now the four "moments" (there were more than four scenes, we've simplified), two of them contain one of the same dark haired men but viewers will be forgiven if they can't keep track yet.
Eventually, you grasp that one of the dark haired men is a thin, young (the whole cast is young), slim version of Jimmy from The Practice: There for some easy laughs. This would be the character Nick Potter. He's played by Jordan Bridges. In time (not this episode) you'll learn his back story (rich kid wanting to make it 'real'). What you learn in the first episode, besides the fact that he doesn't look good in a dress and desperately needs to get out in the sun, is that he reminds you of a young Dick York (not Michael York, we warned you this was confusing) and he's the most inept lawyer in the world.
Not only is he inept (not just inexperienced, inept), but the others enjoy setting him up to fail. Because after all, this is only about innocence or guilt so why not make the prosecution look like a total idiot in front of the judge?
The first time, dark haired woman tells him, before he makes his first appearance in arraignment court, that all he has to do is "Just look for the handwritten note in the file. That's all you do, just read the notes." So he does that, in the court room. He asks for a "280 reverse Z." The judge asks, "What in God's name are you talking about?" He doesn't know.
She remarks, "I assume you know the people in the gallery are laughing their asses off at you."
That would be his co-workers. People pledged to uphold the law but not afraid to toss out oaths to pleasure their inner Jackass.
Now we've got cross cuts and characters all over the place, there's no attempt at focus. The show's confusing enough so we're simplifying in this review. Though the show takes off in countless directions, we'll stay with Bridges. His character's next failure is when he's asked what he's suggesting for bail? Fortunately, someone holds up fingers for him to count. These kind of "funnies" lead up to him later thinking another judge is 'putting him on' and part of a prank. She doesn't take kindly to his assumption. Why should she? And why should a districts attorney's office be filled with a bunch of cut-ups who think pranks in court constitute serving the public?
Bridges is dismissed. We'll call our next witness. Remember "Peluso" -- the first character given a name (at ten minutes in)? His character, like his acting, is all over the place. Not necessarily a bad thing because that and the fact that you slowly start to grasp that he looks as if someone elongnated Dermot Mulroney's face allow him to actually stand out -- somewhere after the fifteen minute mark.
Here's Peluso's story. He's got a bookie wanting a break for a relative that got "pinched." Peluso has to try to help because he owes the bookie $7,000 dollars. His addicition of choice is gambling. Why he didn't just face the camera and say, "I'm Brian Peluso and I'm a gambling addict" we don't know. There's no drama or tension or anything resembling a story arc in the scenes the character's in.
Peluso might be considered a "bad" guy on other shows but here we think he pretty much sums up, not only the show, but also Dick Wolf's outlook. How so? After failing to fix things for the bookie, he pays him off and then beats him up in the men's room. He flashes his i.d. and says, "You see this? It says DA. That's what I am, bitch. I can bury you, your brother, your mother. Whenever I want, whenever I get bored. Don't you ever, ever forget that." Though we're sure it's just a nasty rumor that Dick Wolf treats mater'ds in the same manner, we have it on good authority that this sort of bellowing is how he responds to TV critics.
So what else do we find out about Peluso. He's not real smart. He's handling the hate crime case. And let's face it, Dick Wolf shows always play out like they were thought up by some prep school boy who had a Confederate flag pinned up in his dorm room. Translation, the gay victim is not the victim. Of course not.
Wolf is like a one man army churning out the sort of establishment-male-as-victim roles that Michael Douglas made into a movie franchise once he decided to be the male Joan Crawford.
Just as Douglas was the poor put upon soul in Disclosure, Fatal Attraction, et al, the attacker on this episode of Conviction is really the victim. He's going to be a big basketball player. He's worried about his career. So he can't be gay, he just can't. (We're reminded of a line Demi Moore delivers in Disclosure: "You stick your dick in my mouth then get an attack of morality?") And the guy he beat up, the one he called "f**got" and "bitch"? They were involved. And that out and proud gay guy? Oh, you know Dick Wolf was screaming "I am a creative genius!" at this -- he's just a little hustler shaking down the poor-future-sports-star.
Threatening to tell all, so, see, it wasn't a hate crime.
So sorry to disagree with the World o' Wolf, but we say, "Objection."
The closeted guy can't commit a hate crime because he's gay -- even though he can't admit that he's gay? Is that the story? He's in the closet. He's willng to be convicted of a hate crime (and is convicted) because he doesn't want to be known as gay. (Or as he puts it, several times, he ain't no f**got.) In one of the more Dick-Wolf-must-think-it's-manly scenes, he asks Peluso, "You gonna' lay down like a girl? Like I said, man, I ain't no f**got."
"Bitch." "Lay down like a girl." "F**got." And so much more. We think he's got some hate issues. The fact that it includes self-hate doesn't change the fact that it was a hate crime. Just like it doesn't change the fact that the "gay boy" had his cheek bone broken and fifteen stitches.
Peluso probably can't see that because someone's thought, "This is going to be so layered!" Future sports star is being black mailed, Peluso's being black mailed! They both beat up their black mailers!" The only "layer"comes from this show being billed as a drama.
Before we call our next witness, er, move on to the next character, let's also note that Peluso is there when a dark haired woman asks him and two other men, in a bar, whether she should get a boob job? Because of course, women always turn to a group of their male co-workers to ask that question, right? We're done with Peluso, but we'll note he's played by Eric Banfour.
Let's do the dark haired woman engaged in the philosophical issue of to-boob-job-or-not-to-boob-job? What does she do? Other than scream "Woo-woo-wooh!" when the Dick York like guy stands in front of the office wearing a dress? She, played by Julianne Nicholson, gets set up on a blind date. She's actually interested. He, unseen, isn't. The stimga of small breasts appears to be her subplot.
We're not really sure that the other dark haired woman has larger breasts. We just know that she has them. We're clued in on that when, in the credits, we see her in her bra. Everyone else is fully clothed in the credits. The scene where the dark haired man pulls a shirt over his undershirt doesn't show anything, nor does the scene where young Dick York changes into a dress. But Dick Wolf no doubt feared losing the audience so he wanted to be sure she was shown in her bra early on. Outside of the credits, she shows up in her bra at the end of the episode. Milena Govich plays the part and, we're sure, if you asked her about her character's motivation, she'd reply: "Cleavage."
Govich is representing the sex worker who was raped. She feels that everyone deserves a defense and that no woman, regardless of occupation, is asking to be raped. Just when you're about to say "Good for her" -- stop yourself. This is World o' Wolf.
When she finally does speak to the woman, Govich will find out that she's being hustled for taxi fare. Later on, she'll visit the woman and find her strung out. She needs 'breakfast.' A fifty-dollar breakfast, if she's going to appear in court in two hours. Govich gives her fifty bucks. Govich wins her case. Off screen. The closest we get to the court room is Govich and the woman about to walk in when Govich suggests that the woman might want to roll down her sleeves (to hide the track marks). The three dark haired men? We see all of them in court.
At least the audience will know Govich is a lawyer. Nicholson? They may think she's the receptionist. (The small breasted receptionist.)
We're not done with Govich so we'd like to permission to recall her and would prefer to move on to the young Michael York (only at certain angles). Anson Mount plays the role (and no, we're not making up the actor's name). From someone who acted opposite Britney Spears (Crossroads), we're not surprised by his performance here. Or impressed. He's a little higher up in the office food chain than the other Young Prosecutors. You grasp that because he's the only one who gets scenes with Stephanie March -- whose character has the same name as one March played in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit although here she's clearing playing Bosley from Charlie's Angels. Not only does he have scenes with March, he gets to bark at her so you know he's top dog of the office or close to it.
Mount successfully wins a jury conviction of the young boy who killed his apparently abusive brother with a baseball bat. He's supposed to look torn as the father confronts him after the verdict, the father having now "lost" two sons, but the most Mount appears able to manage is a look that says "Oops I Did It Again ..."
It, but not "that." Mount's frustrated throughout the episode because the woman he's sleeping with is too busy to get together with him. The woman? Remember we asked permission to recall Govich. Govich and Mount have a curious sort of relationship. At one point, when Mount suggests dinner, Govich responds, "Why do men always think they have to feed you before they screw you?"
That's the World o' Wolf for you. The dream woman, who shows her breasts, also doesn't want to be treated to a meal. (We're wondering how many women watching were thinking, "What meal? I was lucky to get a drink.") But although Mount then offers a "screw," Govich is too busy. She's busy repeatedly throughout the episode. That's why he wonders at one point if "not returning my calls [is] part of our adult relationship?" She doesn't want to talk about their private life in the office. You may be thinking, "Smart woman." But that's partly due to the fact that she's seeing a non-lawyer. At first, you may think she's making it up when she, for no real reason, launches into a monologue about the man in her life. But later on, after she's won her case, she'll stand outside, looking through a glass window at a man she speaks to on her cell phone. She explains to him that she's not up to seeing him tonight. That man, "Michael," isn't Mount.
Will Mount mount? Is this the World o' Wolf? Of course he will. In the final scene, they'll remove their clothes, in one of the worst filmed scenes of this or any other series, while she whines about winning her case and confesses to giving her witness fifty dollars. (What the fifty dollars was for is left unstated.) Mount will tell her, as he gets on the bed and presses up next to her, "You won the case. You won the case." To which she'll reply, "Thank you" and then they'll kiss.
A few words on that scene. It's flat like everything else about the show. Wolf's cast young and attractive. Or tried to. For the Law & Order franchise (yes, we know he prefers "brand" -- that's why we'll use "franchise"), that's practially revolutionary.
We've got Govich in her bra (again). The camera can't decide where it wants to go. It seems like a prude with quick frames here and there. If you're going to do a sex scene, do a sex scene.
Wolf can't. He can't even make it sexy. (Well, World o' Wolf . . .) What we do get is a glimpse of one of the most bizarre male chests to be featured on TV in sometime. Mount could use a bra.
In fact, he should probably not go shirtless around Nicholson or she'll never stop harping about the boob job. The nipples? He could poke a person's eyes out with them and they weren't erect.
Watching Wolf's idea of "jiggle TV," you wondered why someone didn't show off another feature of Mount? His butt, for instance? You also notice how the boxer clad Mount is framed in such a way that in profile the shot stops before the "unit" begins. Now maybe that's because of the butt. Maybe the rear's more frightening than the chest. But how it plays out is Wolf once again wants to rip something. Usually it's the headlines. For a sex scene, he's trying to rip off the body wash operettas. But as with his storylines, he just can't pull it off.
Believe it or not, we've spared you a great many details. Did we go into Peluso's homophobia? No, we didn't. But it's there, rather obviously, in two scenes with the "gay boy." Since the victim, the real victim, isn't gay, Peluso's more comfortable with him.
So we'll sum up by noting the life lessons that World o' Wolf is so fond of. Small breasted women are obsessed with their breasts (and other women's as well) and will talk about breasts with anyone, male or female. Women who sport their breasts just want sex, no romance. In World o' Wolf, this may be the "occupational hazard" to sporting breasts. Real men beat up other men and make sure to tell them that they are bitches -- as both the future sports star and Peluso did in the first episode. Those out of the closet "gay boys"? Little hustlers. It's a variation on the "You can be gay, just don't tell me about it" theme that World o' Wolf explored in the nineties.
Sex workers get what they deserve. If you try to treat them like people, they, like the out of the closet "gay boys," will only end up hustling you.
Watching Conviction is like serving time. If Friday's episode was any indication, America can take comfort in the fact that it already feels like it's going to be a very short sentence.