Once more bravely into the e-mails to offer the strong, keen advice that so many readers have come to count on.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
You got to help me. I have this real nasty probl'm. I can't stop pickin' my nose. I'll pick and pick and pick until it's goin' bleed. I'm not an old man but I'll be retirin' in 3 years. Can't say more than that, you understan'. But besides being painf'l, it's downright embarrassin'. It's gott'n to the point where I don't even care if people are aroun'. Like last week I was meetin' with this foreign'r ... uh, I'll call 'im, Cabbas. Yep, Cabbas. So there are people aroun' includin' Cabbas and I jus' start to diggin' like a wild oil catt'r in West Texas and nothin' can stop me from goin' to town even tho' I know every'ne's starin'. I can hear a few whisperin' and it makes me madd'r than a wet dog crawlin' out a crick with ticks all o'er him, ya hear me? Gets me thinkin' maybe we need to find some littl' nothin' to push aroun' and show 'em all how tough I am. But there I was just a-diggin' and I knew people were lookin' and I couldn't stop and next thin' I know blood's pourin' out my nose. I'm real worried 'bout my blood loss. I can get light headed just eatin' a pretzel.
Worried 'bout my health,
Jorge from D.C. area 9 months a year
Dear Jorge,
As we head into Memorial Day, we want to first commend you for caring about blood loss. But we'd suggest that you worry less about your own and more about the 1656 American soldier fatalities from the Bully Boy's misguided and illegal invasion and occupation. Or the 6300 plus wounded American soldiers in the same illegal war. Or the untold number of Iraqi citizens, estimated at 21,834, that have been killed. Weren't we supposed to be "liberating" them after every other "reason" fell apart?
So good first step there worrying about blood loss but we'd encourage to move beyond focusing on yourself.
Back to the main thrust of your e-mail, picking of the nose. We're pretty sure everyone picks their nose at one point or another. A cold, allegeries, pollution, any number of things can lead to nasal blockage. But you are right to worry about doing it in front of people. Who's going to shake your hand after that? No one. If you're planning a cook out for Memorial Day, trust us, no one's going to want you handling the food.
Ideally, you should go to a bathroom so that you can wash your hands after. And if you were doing that and started to bleed, well you've already got towels of some kind and toilet paper around that you can sop up the blood with. Biohazards are a real concern these days, Jorge.
But we want to bring up something you toss out as an aside. The need to lash out at someone to make yourself feel better bespeaks of very low self-image. It's damaging to others but if you're not prepared to take that step outside yourself yet, let's note that it's damaging to you as well.
We hope you'll right again because we think that's a core problem and much worse than the blood loss from your embarrassing habit of picking your nose in public.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I think elections are rigged. I've tried to be a sunny optimist but I've seen yet another election stolen. I hope you'll give attention to this, serious and prolonged attention, because it makes me so mad I start crying. There is no way that tacky, yodeling cowgirl deserved to win American Idol. Each year they promise us a fair election and each year they lie. It's time for real election reform and I hope you will lead on this issue and call for an immediate Congressional issue into the continuing scandal that is American Idol.
Open, fair and free elections on American Idol,
Serious Sue in Baton Rouge
Dear Serious Sue,
While we support election reform in real life, as opposed to in "reality-based" TV shows, we think you've inhaled a little too much swamp gas. Thanks for writing.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I work in an office and everytime we have an office party no one can bring anything with chocolate in it. Not a pie. Not a cake. Not a cookie. Why you ask me? Because there's one person who claims they are allergic. But here's the deal he's always eating candy bars like Snickers. So what's up with that?
Chocolate lover,
Cory in Chicago
Dear Cory,
We think you work with a liar. We say bring something with chocolate. He doesn't have to eat it if he doesn't want to. If he says anything, we suggest you jump up and down and scream, "Snickers liar! Snicker liar! Snickers liar!" over and over. We're pretty sure that, one way or the other, that will take care of your problem.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I have a real problem. I'm in love with my boss. He's quite the man and when I look at him, I just find myself grinning like an idiot. Here's the problem, he's married and if we got together we'd be an interracial couple. I think he likes me too because four years ago, I had a really big screw up on the job, we're talking a BIG DOOZIE. But he didn't fire me and actually promoted me to a better position that allows me to travel. I love traveling because it allows me to strong arm foreigners and not just my own country men. But I miss him so much when I'm traveling. I find myself fondingly remembering the way his big, floppy ears stick out from his head, or the way his laugh is a dog panting a hot day, or the way he drops his constanants to show just how manly he is, or the way he struts around like a bantum rooster . . . I'm getting a little moist down south just writing this, if you know what I mean. I know he loves me more than the airhead he's married to. That hick from the sticks has really packed on the pounds in the last years to the point that she's looking like an aging T.G.I. Friday's waitress who can't stop nibbling on the fried mozzarella. She's so tacky and so the past. No one could have pictured what a weight around his neck she'd become. But I really think I'm the future. How do I break the ice and bring up the issue that both my boss and I are skating around? I've thought of composing a sonata for him but he's not really interested in listening to anything that lasts longer than thirty seconds. So I thought maybe something silly and care free, real Sex in the City-like, such as passing him a pair of my panties in the middle of a meeting. What do you think?
Dirty Wild Rice
no location given
Dear Dirty Wild Rice,
Would these be a clean pair of panties or a pair slipped off your own body? We think that's the bigger question since you've spoken of getting moist down south when you think of your boss.
If they're moist when you oh-so-discreetly pass them to him, there might be a misunderstanding as to the cause of the moisture. We'd recommend you go for it. Not because we think you're right in your assumptions but because we're hopeful that we can predict the immediate outcome which we see as very fitting for you, Dirty Wild Rice. Get busy already.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I'm having an affair. In the eight years we've been married, my wife has really let herself go to the dogs. She's packed on probably forty pounds, maybe fifty. She used to take a lot of pride in her appearance but now she'll go around in anything even if it's covered with stains from baby food or baby vomit. All she's wanted to talk about for the last 14 months is the baby. That's seven months after she learned that she was pregant and seven months after he was born. He's like a pet rock, he's got not personality at all. There's not five minutes worth of conversation a day on him let alone hour after hour.
Sick of It in Ithaca
Dear Sick of It in Ithica,
You sound like a real prize & a prince to us. How lucky your wife must be to be married to such an upstanding guy. You don't mention who you're cheating on her with which leads us to believe you're not that serious about your mistress. Or maybe she just doesn't satisfy you? If so, might we suggest you hook up with Wild Rice? She's interested in married men and we'd say you too deserve each other.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I enjoy reading your smart ass rantings but I think when people are coming to you seriously asking for advice you could take down it a notch or two and realize that what you mock might be something really important to you.
Sincerely,
Jim C. in Oklahoma City
Dear Jim C.,
We applaud your desire to set yourself up as the Miss Manners of the Internet. If you could step away from the Wall of the Walking Wounded for a minute, do you really think all the e-mails readers compose are serious? If so, we're wondering if you laugh very often? Our advice to you, stop being such a tight ass. It's much more fun to be a smart ass.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
Do you make up these e-mails? If you print mine, I'll know people are really writing these.
Yours truly,
Elizabeth in Dayton
Dear Elizabeth,
If seeing is believing, we hope you're now persuaded.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
I think it's liberals like you that destroy our country. Reading your stuff I see you're obsessed with "justice" but can't expand your limited thinking to realize that we are in Iraq because we were attacked. Appeasers like yourself bring down our country and I'd ship you over to Gitmo myself if it was up to me.
A real patriot,
Todd in New Haven
Dear Todd,
You really make us laugh and we suggest you seriously pursue a career in stand up comedy. We were on the verge of laughing from your opening statement but when we got your hilarious send up of the fright wing (we're in Iraq because we were attacked!) we lost it. Your tongue in cheek parody of the idiots who think Iraq was involved with the 9-11 attacks is priceless. Very droll.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
Why does the mainstream media suck so much?
Bobby in Portland, Rhode Island
Dear Bobby,
While we appreciate your question, it's far too intelligent for us to address in "Dear Third Estate Sunday Review" which is a light heard, smart ass response to e-mails we receive. We'd recommend you follow Bob Somerby's The Daily Howler to really grasp how much the mainstream media sucks. And if you want to offer amusing theories, we'll be happy to banter back and forth with you. But your question, a good one, is far too serious for this section of our edition. Fight the good fight, Bobby, and thanks for writing.
Dear Third Estate Sunday Review,
My favorite color is brown. What's your favorite color?
Mena in St. Paul
Dear Mena,
Our favorite color is truth -- in any and all shades.